Monday, 13 July 2015

Really Important Shit You Need to Know


·      1.   You will NEVER get the label off a Pic’s peanut butter jar if you soak it. Even if you soak it for days and scrub it and scrub it, put it through the dishwasher then soak it again, finally resorting to scraping that scabby old glue with your fingernails. It will NOT come off. I have many skanky sticky reused glass jars full of organic nuts and ground flaxseeds to prove this theory. However, if you take the time to read the DIRECTIONS (squinting hard, arm outstretched) on your empty jar of yummiest Australian peanuts smashed into a creamy crunchy nutty mess, the ones with the lovely black tops with red-stars-upon-thars, you will discover that by pouring hottish water INTO, not feckin ONto your jar(s), that groovy label will peel cleanly off. Did I say cleanly? I meant without trace. You will even have a nice poem, or a whimsical thought (written by brothers Pic) on the inside of the label to read while you wash the dregs of the nut-butter out of your jar.

·         2. Radio host, film maker and regular good guy, Marcus Lush is currently walking the Otago rail trail. A straight and mostly flat track created for cycling from Clyde to Middlemarch, in July. Mad. Below freezing. Lonely. If you want to follow his pictorial progress of empty pastoral scenes or send him some Jimmy's Pies vouchers or woolly mittens it's @marcuslush #walkingtherailtrail

·      3.   If you are lucky enough to bite into a really hard piece of over roasted almondy nut bit and you make the effort to ring the 0800 number on the back of the chocolate bar the manufacturer will be mighty glad you did. Attention to detail and innovation – that’s why Whittaker’s are conquering the cocoa candy market in NZ. AND have become my go to brand way over and above master of old school and deleter of Spearmint leaves, Snifters and NOW Licorice Alsorts, Cadburys. Whittaker’s bless their forced draft cleaner, de-stoner, x-ray machines, metal detectors, live PEOPLE detectors, plus their New (and no doubt jolly expensive) density-sensitive-foreign-object-rejecting-machine will also send you not one but THREE complimentary king size blocks of choc by way of apology. Plus a nice letter and prepaid courier pack for you to whip the offending particle right back to them. Thank you, Whittaker’s. You rock.
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       4.  If you buy a second-hand book from Amazon it may cost a paltry $2.99. Of course any savings are blown away when you add the stupid shipping fee ex US. Disclaimer: I do support and love local bookstores, but their stocks are limited. Anyways, your ordered book will no doubt arrive way earlier than targeted dates suggest and if your ticked supplier was a charity, Booksforgood.org, it may come with an inscription. A stranger making a personal message to another. This will leave you with a feeling of weird. WTH. Dominique? Ericka with a K? Because the subject of said book is an author/artist working through a very severe depression. It’s funny. Sad. And very real. I of course wondered if Ericka had gifted the book to Dominique because she was depressed. On the verge. And is she okay now? Xmas 2013.  …thanks for being such a great friend! It said. Maybe D hated it. Hiffed it straight into the inorganic collection bin. It was an expensive mis-order on my part – I only wanted it for the pictures.

Tbh I really feel for those living with depression. And wish the world offered better support for them. I fell into a dark hole after each of my three children. I know that. But mine was a hole. A mini culvert, Author of ‘Hyperbole and a Half…’ by Allie Brosh was in a well.

·        5. Male horses, geldings, stretch out all four legs, straighten their backs and lift their tails slightly when they pee. They do this so they don’t get splashes on their hooves. Actually, I don’t know why they do it. And I can’t be bothered typing why do geldings stretch out to pee and sifting through the search results. Soz. I shouldn’t look outside my window when writing fun fact filled piffle for my blog.

·       6.  My newly created health initiative, Low Carb July is quite doable. Although the H was being so thick about whether beer was a carb I just gave up trying to hammer that one home. Roundabout day five. The three eldest members of our family have been enjoying massive veg fest high protein lunches and dinners for 13 days! Okay there has been the odd slip-up. But mostly. I can’t say I am filled with ants in your pants type energy, but I feel smoother. I can see why body builders dis carbs now. Although I note Crystal or is it Krystal*, ex Batchelor contestant now samba-ing up a storm on Dancing with Stars has had to RE-introduce carbs into her diet. Small portions of potatoes and kumara help her remember her moves apparently. I thought it was omega-3 wot revved up our remembering carburettors??? Maybe exercising vigorously in a teeny spangly suit held together with bits of nude tight material assists brain function also. Getting your heart rate up and getting sweaty for at least 35 minutes 3-4 times a week is supposed to help stave off Alzheimer’s. I read that somewhere and follow that regime religiously.*fact correction: it's Chrystal with an h-ache.


So GOOD luck with your endeavours people. Only ONE more week of the school holidays to go. Remember it’s way more fun to DO than BE. Spangly suit, bulk free chocolate or not.

4 comments:

  1. Our school holidays are about to start - 7 whole weeks without school runs and packed lunches - hoorah! Love the jar tip! And I love my carbs far too much to go without, but well done you guys - I know from friends it can feel really liberating and healthy once you get in the swing of it! (Beer isn't a carb right?! 😉)

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    1. Packed lunches arghh...son, 12 has needed them all holidays for ski training; luckily The H has been making them! Don't you have school dinners over there?
      The evening meal is the hardest with this no carbs malarkey as hunger can strike before bed! Lots of hot choccy going down. (Oh and wine isn't a carb either, right?!) Happy summer holidays x

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  2. Ha ha, love this list, Jane! You've got a great way with humorous writing, a skill I have somehow failed to acquire. :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Yvette! I have met a few people of late who cannot believe I write this blog - coz I'm SOOOOO serious in real life! If only they knew what is going on behind my EYES. ps. You do good work btw!

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