Friday, 31 July 2015

Stuff That Any Fool Could Predict


If you go to a ladies luncheon wearing the navy blue slacks you bought from Zara, while on holiday with The H in Sydney after a particularly busy week in which you skipped more than two meals, the fancy creased ankle breezing slacks with gold chinky bits that gave you camel toe a month after purchase, they will look good with your navy blue shoes but HELLO they will still give you CAMEL TOE.**

If you go to the trouble to send back a microscopic piece of over roasted nut bit (I know enough of the ORNB already) to its rightful place: king size chocolate bar quality control department, you may get a phone call from HQ two days after you have returned it in its prepaid courier back which goes like this: “It’s not the right bit… This is the bit from April, we need the July bit.” WTF. Okay, son 12 did take this message but that’s the last time this Ausgustine Gloop comes out of the chocolate factory to assist a market leader increasing its market share. Stuff the free bloody chocolate.

If you have a lot to say but don’t get enough sleep on account of woken up intermittently during the night due to SNORING. Not mine. It’s possible you could enter your writing in the Guinness Book of Records longest-sentence-with-crap-punctuation-record and win.

If you live in Central Otago and take the rabbit proof guards off your lovely native seedlings which are looking blimmin rambunctious at summers end, because those guards are so plastic-y and brown-y and damn ugly, come July Mr Peter Rabbit and his merry band of mofo munchers will have trimmed your native seedlings back like a mad woman in charge of battery powered weed trimmer. Or an extremely severe 1970s bowl haircut. Take your pick.

Rabbity Fact of the day: "Wild Rabbits gestate for only 30 days, and usually have litters of between 4 and 12 babies (kits), depending on the breeds. Once the babies are born, the doe can mate and get pregnant again as soon as the following day." Looking at the worst case scenario: 12 x 12 that’s 144 kits per year per randy rabbit couples (no calculator was used in that calculation.)

If you have a game of rest home Scrabble with your 82 year old Dad it is likely he will cheat. In the nicest possible way by putting two words down at once. Quite sensibly so, I mean what good is ‘gin’ without ‘mug’ or ‘wine’ without ‘tavern’. He will also be able to assist when you cannot remember if oboe has an ‘e’ on the end? It does.

If you are at a social gathering and someone asks you an open-ended question like, ‘tell us about the children’s book you’re writing?’ It is likely at least one person present eyes’ will glaze over and before you have had a chance to say what your book is about in one Hollywood pitch worthy sentence, they will be showing the room pics of their step daughter giving an elephant an enema in Thailand on their iPhone. ATP you will be thankful because you’ll realize you need to work on that pitch worthy sentence pronto. Hashtag #HowToNotLookLikeADickWhenYou'reAWriter

If you write and complete over days and nights and weeks and months, after fiction edits and beta readers, the above children’s book, because a much awarded and well-respected writer has offered to publish said book under their publishing house this will eventually happen. This year. You might even right now be looking at the FIRST covers prepared by your fabulous and talented artist friend, Gustav from Russia, now residing in a lofty apartment in a picturesque plaza in Barcelona.

I'd do a show and tell, but that would be giving away secrets. And I’m a very secretive person and also very serious in real life. SIRL. So serious, I do not actually write this blog it is someone else. Someone funny. Not me at all.


Oh and ps. If you pop into a vintage boutique in Parnell, on a day so gloomy the sky may have fallen in, in search of something exotic and Haute couture-ish which just happened to be dropped in by a local-Iris-Apfel aged a sprightly 95, you may be rewarded. One early 1970’s Christian Dior silk Escharpes scarf, 20% off today - $69 buckeroos, thank you very much… On arriving home you may jump on the internet and google ‘vintage CD scarfs’ to see just how much you saved off that sweet old lady, because golly everyone loves a bargain right. As you look around you start to get suspicious. Your scarf is not hand rolled – it’s machine edged. It has a logo, yet bits of the C are wonky, and it has no label stating fabric content and where it was made. The print is equally vibrant on both sides. Phew. All the same, 2 out of 3 says it came from a hawker in Hong Kong not the Champs Elysees. Nevertheless, it will look fab with the navy blue slacks if they ever amble out of my wardrobe again...

Because that was July and carbs can now be trusted.

**(NB. Do not google 'camel toe' to find a pic of an actual camel’s foot - you will not find one).
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