Friday, 6 March 2020

BETTER THAN SEX - I don't think so

Greetings lady-friends! Most of you would know I’m always on the lookout for the latest cure-all face potions. It seems timely, as my mid-March birthday looms and like a good Mainland cheddar I mature another year, that I have some luxury goodies to share. I'm way beyond all the anti-ageing, fake-news BS now (a bold claim, I know) but when my hometown, Queenstown, turns to autumn and our minimal humidity levels collapse to desert levels, along with any living collagen cells I possess (believe me I’m shedding skin like a rattlesnake) it's moisture I seek. This leads me to my current skin-quenching must-haves from American cosmetic brand Kiehl’s, which started as a single pharmacy in Manhattan in 1851 and is still going strong.  

#ONE# For skin softening and hydrating and for freaking the family out looking like Mrs Shrek I go for Avocado Nourishing Hydration Mask. After cleansing, with hair well clear, turn yourself green and lie on your bed reading a book for no less than 15 minutes. You will look like you have just rubbed avocado-smash over your visage (minus the chilli and feta.) And if you forget to take it off and start cooking dinner The H might ask if you're feeling well. In fact, you could probably make your own fresh mask by mashing an avocado with avocado oil and a dash of evening primrose oil, its main ingredients. But seriously if you have dry, thirsty skin this mask really will soften and moisturise. Just make sure to wash it ALL off and don’t be tempted to put it on too thickly. You will frighten the dog. You have been warned. Available from Mecca $75, 100g

#TWO# Another Keihl’s product I recently purchased in dehydrating desperation is their bestselling, Ultra Facial Cream. A potent mix of Glacial Glycoprotein (no never heard of it either) extracted from micro-organisms in sea glaciers no less and Squalane. This no-fuss, fragrance-free moisturiser may not absorb moisture from the air. Ahem. But it does leave my skin feeling silky. I’m a stickler for Mecca To Save Face SPF 50+ Superscreen during the day but I do believe we middleaged ladies need a good moisty, moisturizer under makeup before we sashay out of an evening (I really need the equivalent of half a pound of butter my skin is so parched.) I purchased the 125 ml pot, $98. Not cheap. But a little goes a long way and it absorbs quickly. I’ll be slathering this on, am and pm until the government switches the clocks forward in October.


#THREE# I was in Farmers, Dunedin back in February purchasing The Ordinary Niacinamide 10% + Zinc 1% for son 17. I totally recommend this serum for teens and twenty-somethings who have the odd pimple breakout or past scarring which needs taming. It's a brilliant $12.80 for 30 mls. Niacinamide (vitamin B3) is also touted as a cure for rosacea. 

#FOUR# Anyhoo while in Farmers, I spied a smiley maiden in red at the Clarins counter so over I went. I’d read about their light-reflecting under eye concealer. Aside from wearing permanent shadze aka Ozzy Osborne, I will try ANYTHING to conceal the Dunlopillo mattresses under my eyes.  Believe me, I’ve tried a few wonder potions and ended up looking what gracious-old-new-yorker-of-style Iris Apfel refers to as turtles (old ladies with too much eye makeup.) Yes, I’ve turned turtle way too many shameful times to remember, when my soul quest had been to eradicate dark circles, puffiness and fine lines. I allowed the lovely maiden to dot Eclat Minute, Pinceau Perfecteur under my very fatigued (hospital-mother-eyes. That’s another story.) Then I said, you know what, I’m going to see how it settles. If it doesn’t crepe (and crack like an overcooked cake) I’ll be back. I returned that afternoon and made my purchase, shade: 00. $54. You can slap it over those pesky lil red snapped capillaries around ya snoz, and smooth the fine lines around your mouth also. Winning!


#FIVE# Brazillian BUM BUM Cream. Just the name of this pot-of-butt-ness makes me smile and its perfume is akin to a holiday on a dreamy isle, pineapple daiquiri in one hand, fabulous bonk-busting-sun-lounger-read ie. Wife After Wife by my BFF Olivia Hayfield (otherwise known a Sue Copsey) in the other. Inhale its vanilla-pistachio scent all smooshed up with coconut and guarana, and get your beach on. The first pot I bought I gave to my French bestie-gf as a present because she well she lives half the year in Bali and has expensive tastes! This luxury lotion is $80 for 240 mls. Yikes. As well as ze pear-area (thighs, butt, hips) I'm slapping it on my upper arms also. Despite Marco’s intense Pilates and loads of gardening these two puppies flap like washing in the breeze. Pot blurbology claims: LOVE IT. FLAUNT IT. YOU’VE GOT IT. Whatevs. Who cares. Just line up a winter hot-holiday, fares seem to be cheapening (wonder Corona why?) Then line up those cooling, fruity drinks ...


#SIX# Too Face BETTER THAN SEX Mascara (so many shouty caps in makeup names, have you noticed?) TBH, I don’t know why I purchased this mascara. I seem to have caught the online shopping bug, always eeking by shopping bag up until I reach the free shipping, yipee $-level. I purchased the 8ml which is really a sample size and should not be $23, Mecca?! I may have been swayed to try this because my current mascara is well over six months old and because BTS is not better than sex but it is vegan. I’m not vegan. I eat red meat at least twic a month. I love dairy. I’m osteoporosis prone and its my calcium of choice, I will not apologise. Too Face – what’s too love … It has an hourglass-shaped wand. Based on Marilyn Munroe’s body. I still don’t get it. What human has an hourglass-shaped lash line? It has peptides to condition lashes. And Acacia Senegal Tree Extract to set volume. It recommends three coats. Three coats. Who has time for three coats? It’s hard enough squinting in front of the mirror to find your lashes, without your glasses, for one coat. Daughter 19, recently purchased Hourglass Extreme Caution Mascara. That may be my next lash-enhancing purchase. It's vegan also and wears all day without flaking. I don’t think my current one will last tooooo long, Mecca?!

I started to wish while writing this that I'd been a cosmetic copyrighter somewhere along the way on my illustrious writing career. I'm good with UPS's. Promises. Of. Sex. Veganism. Visibly. Tightening. It's been a slow start to the year writing-wise, however, my thinking time has paid off and this very morning I started on a writing project I'm very EXCITED about. My WIP is sitting on 800 words exactly. A steady start. I'm keeping secret. 

Although, I could add to this piece after I've walked the mad dog. How to wash your hair pink, or mauve? par example. Only if anyone pondering saying goodbye-to-the-salon is interested? 

Happy weekend, friends! We're all in this together. Jane xo

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