Wednesday, 10 December 2014

You Learn Something New Everyday

Seven things I learned last week: Or is that learnt? Shit I’ll never know. But I do know ‘earnt’ is not a word, it has a red squiggly line under it.

Thing one -

Tea bags, like plastic should never have been invented. Take yourself back to the joy of a cup of leaf tea, brewed in your great granny’s silver teapot and poured through a tiny strainer into a pretty china cup and vive la difference. Every morning. Recent convert. A reformed smoker of the tea drinking kind. Leaf tea of choice - Dilmah 100% Pure Ceylon, grown and packed in Sri Lanka.

 

Thing two –

When I was small I used to leave saucers of milk and bread for the lost hedgehogs in our garden. Did you know hedgehogs eat the eggs of ground nesting birds? Well you do now. I no longer think hedgehogs are cute. Despite their black button noses. And wobbly walk.

Thing three –

Politics and the endless empty promises of politicians bore my best Brazilian hipster Myla silk undies right off. However, much awarded kiwi journalist, Steve Braunias’ latest book Madmen - inside the weirdest election campaign ever – , wittily crochets what could be tedious facts, with pin sized observations into cleverly nuanced prose that bounces along and entertains like no politician door knocking ever could. Buy it. From a bookstore. Read it. Then buy another copy and give it to a friend for Xmas. You’ll be RFLOL whether you voted or not. Believe me.
ps. Steve B said it’s the best shit he’s ever written. Actually he said book not shit.

Thing four –

It is possible to catch a wild duckling in your bare hands. If you are determined enough. This boy managed to by swimming around our spring fed lap-pond and nabbing the unsuspecting critter in the long handled net used to scoop out pond scum. The young duckling, from a raft of six was later released; after its Instagramification was completed. Young duckling appeared to suffer no lasting effects from the close contact with a human screaming as though he’d just won the first-minute-mile. It was soon back swimming, diving and pooing foul smelling green blobs around the pond and environs along with the resident duck dynasty.


Thing five – 

It is also possible to catch a baby rabbit in your bare hands. If your are a boy and 11. Then have your photo taken with it. Disclaimer: a large 7.2kg  male cat might have been involved with this bunny-napping stunt. Might have.


Thing six –

It is possible to experience all, some, or none-of-the-below when taking hay fever medication:

Drowsiness
Headache
Tiredness
Dizziness
Dry mouth
Nausea
Diarrhea
Difficulty urinating
Sore throat
Runny nose
Abdominal pain
Agitation, aggression, depression or hallucination
Confusion
Insomnia
Weight gain
Blurred vision
Tingling or numbness on the hands or feet
Movement disorder
Tremors

This list covers the wide variety of ‘feelings’ I have on any given day. Well, except for the toileting bits. Not that I’d tell anybody. Though I might stick this list on the fridge. For future reference. Or for when I’m hallucinating and feeling quite aggressive towards my butt which has definitely got a movement disorder ie saggy since I broke my rude finger and stopped running 4 weeks ago. I know it’s fifty and I should cut it some slack. But come on butt do me a favour. Note to future self: never read the small 5000 word neatly folded over and over leaflet inside generic chemist bought pharmaceuticals. Again.

Thing Seven:

It sucks to turn 81 in hospital when you have just flown off a 30 metre cliff and broken 7 ribs, two vertebra and your shoulder plate. It sucks more to have the aforementioned along with cuts and bruises the size of T-bone steaks blotted over your already frail body. But what is worse is your brain being further reshaped into the seven year old child you once were. 74 years ago. Politely. With Alzheimers.

This happened to my Dad 4 weeks ago and I suspect that is why my blog has been neglected. He’s doing okay and strangely has felt more confusion than pain. He’ll be moving into a rest home soon. Five star compared to the possible hospital dementia ward. And that’s just how it is.

So apologies to all my faithful, new and sometimes readers. There are plenty more stories inside. Only they may not be getting out till after Christmas.

In the meantime, enjoy the festive season with your friends and family. Play safe, be generous with your time and that handmade gluten free nut fudge you're planning to make.Soon. More importantly, remember if you experience any insomnia, weight gain or tremors – it wasn’t anything you ate.

Janex
ps.aforementioned boy child busy on a carpentry job, aged three
pps. peonies are my own
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