tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78564404321851694382024-03-07T16:34:09.141+13:00Jane Bloomfield:truth is stranger than fiction...A blog written like a column on: family, fun, fads, food, fashion and other f-wordsJane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.comBlogger194125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-50218735592589640912024-01-17T12:16:00.000+13:002024-01-17T12:16:04.740+13:00The Long and Short of it - a poem about shorts<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpvvOjbu9puleRcOsA4r1N7Qx4Y2MZZDNW_LPRNaFtUf7veYPARjQn8mUND4sEZi043mbZXGQSy4FH5dLK6EFYrw23h0HZJepnnxCYB-qJJC2kbJdL_mdRscC5RRSkGg6ogO66S_Z8T1Rb3oMc_ZMt0qoqBIErEVtllbZQbrfkpQcmwAKrgYDvwOOJc1S6/s1716/Screenshot%202024-01-17%20at%2012.09.00%20PM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1716" data-original-width="1646" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpvvOjbu9puleRcOsA4r1N7Qx4Y2MZZDNW_LPRNaFtUf7veYPARjQn8mUND4sEZi043mbZXGQSy4FH5dLK6EFYrw23h0HZJepnnxCYB-qJJC2kbJdL_mdRscC5RRSkGg6ogO66S_Z8T1Rb3oMc_ZMt0qoqBIErEVtllbZQbrfkpQcmwAKrgYDvwOOJc1S6/s320/Screenshot%202024-01-17%20at%2012.09.00%20PM.png" width="307" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">#SilkByEloise sexy-long-short, avail Jan 2024</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><b style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px;">The Long and Short of It - a poem about shorts</b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span>Summer arrived calling for shorts</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">in the peony patch I caught sight of a sight</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">all droopy muslin cheesecloth to the knee</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">thighs in need of a detox wrap or a timely longer short</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I trotted to Rebel Sports - it was Black Friday - I felt black</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">a too cheery woman in high viz greeted me at the door</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">welcome have a nice day you’re welcome sort of nothing</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">what country was I in? I soon found myself in synthetic women’s</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">apparel country, a mum with daughter fresh blossomed discussed</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">sports bras, if they’re bouncing they’re stretching I offered not</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">and chanced upon some relaxed-fit basketball knee-drop shorts</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">talk about activewear as a mutton chop, a shoulder roast</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Waikato green with lemon strips, excellent pocket form though</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">secateur deep, a market gardener’s handy short for sure</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">at the counter, a red-faced man strode in, before he got the door-drill</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">he yelled across the shop floor – do you sell fridges?</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">he may as well have asked for a turkey-sized air fryer</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">have you tried Briscoes offered door lady</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">sold out</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The Warehouse, counter lady</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">sold out, head hung, eyes close to weeping blood</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">a car park backlit plaster cast Madonna</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">what kind of fridge was this man after</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">walk-in, display, beer, camping, titanium, E-bike capable</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">cold sculpting fat freezing polka dot?</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Abruptly he about turned before melting a chocolate Santa</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">blocking the doorway, Black Friday had turned black comedy</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Noel Leeming mumbled Berlie Sports underwire</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">back home I ripped the tags off my long new shorts</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">now also available in black</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p3" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 13.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Jane Bloomfield</span></p><p class="p3" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 13.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Collection 2023/24</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-13652993208789070672023-11-24T15:45:00.004+13:002023-11-24T18:36:48.749+13:00Napoleon Rode a Grey Stallion Called Marengo<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Kyxxa4LWDEHrH-QHsH_yZ_PiO3N4vau1DV7tQgldvWuQpp1LCcaYHayODz1Q1_CWmm0eWMXhToql-0wohe2mk53mYu55PitL_hSyYdQdxELFEyw-v1yFKUU4-5YekOdWbzY7TNQO5G2hBZ2sx9xlE2gmza8Y7u7oEqakxDjlsXyJ6rpojHRoByPFPf-e/s1884/Napoleon.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1884" data-original-width="1574" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Kyxxa4LWDEHrH-QHsH_yZ_PiO3N4vau1DV7tQgldvWuQpp1LCcaYHayODz1Q1_CWmm0eWMXhToql-0wohe2mk53mYu55PitL_hSyYdQdxELFEyw-v1yFKUU4-5YekOdWbzY7TNQO5G2hBZ2sx9xlE2gmza8Y7u7oEqakxDjlsXyJ6rpojHRoByPFPf-e/w334-h400/Napoleon.png" width="334" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Napoleon Crossing the Alps on Marengo</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18.7px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span></p><h4 style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18.7px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Napoleon Rode a Grey Stallion Called Marengo*</b></span></h4><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Grey horses are magical and also not, think thoroughbreds</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">how many times have you put money on Silver Shadow and not collected?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Pegasus was grey - he could flap his wings and fly as well as gallop</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">spying a grey horse in a field brings good luck</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">(so does a breeching whale looking you in the eye)</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">many a possessed storybook child has taken flight on a mystery grey horse</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">appearing in an apparition beyond the rose garden’s picket fence</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">sixth senses aligning follow me mount me</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">effortlessly under the willow tree</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">ride me bareback to heaven clutching my flowing mane</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">the first pony I called my own was a grey mare named Wendy</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was eight, she was 14.2 hands high, almost a horse</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Napoleon’s grey Arab stallion, Marengo, was 14.2</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">apparently, he rode like a butcher</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">slouched with his toes lower than his heels</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">slipping around on the saddle so much he wore holes in his breeches</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>He rode for pleasure as well as necessity</i></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’ve seen Napoleon’s bed in Versailles</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">he was really short for a guy who ate so much chicken</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">there’s no mention of war horse Marengo on the Imperial stable records</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">a mystery in itself and many oil paintings</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">but I guess if a grey horse finds you in Egypt, ride it</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">ride it like a butcher to battle and back<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">to Joséphine and Chicken Marengo</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">only three percent of horses are grey</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 24px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 24px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Jane Bloomfield</div><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 24px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">Collection 2023</div><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 24px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 24px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;">*I honest to Josephine had no idea Ridly Scott was about to drop his Napoleon epic 23/11/23, when I wrote this Napoleon poem a few weeks ago. Great minds, eh!! Jane x</div>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-81739016491773675182023-11-08T11:52:00.003+13:002023-11-08T11:52:41.014+13:00Megan Nicol Reed Reviews Gwyneth's Xmas Wishlist, Kim's Nipple Bra & The Royal Family<p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzMESUs7xxyV7t-zSFXpUSP-60aoMnfblFlq_IW1Jg4Gq4wPWUGJinKVe_tWZxG9DMr9_ZH7jIx3tvZ0-4Xzy5g8OC9HKiUhD_ROP68xWdZagQNpPxy_ocDE0xARFaW9C4vxhUlNnQGnt2aHswnc4AxJCTmhBnBUkiypiF9QRl8up46gZouhCPVd4rbg1/s950/Screenshot%202023-11-08%20at%2011.22.44%20AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="726" data-original-width="950" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzMESUs7xxyV7t-zSFXpUSP-60aoMnfblFlq_IW1Jg4Gq4wPWUGJinKVe_tWZxG9DMr9_ZH7jIx3tvZ0-4Xzy5g8OC9HKiUhD_ROP68xWdZagQNpPxy_ocDE0xARFaW9C4vxhUlNnQGnt2aHswnc4AxJCTmhBnBUkiypiF9QRl8up46gZouhCPVd4rbg1/s320/Screenshot%202023-11-08%20at%2011.22.44%20AM.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Megan Nicol Reed</td></tr></tbody></table></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Well-known columnist, Megan Nicol Reed hit the fiction bestseller list on the release of her debut novel, <b>One of Those Mothers,</b> in March this year. Described as ‘Domestic noir up there with the best of them … a page-turner in all the right was,’ by NY Times bestselling author Jacqueline Bublitz, the book went on to receive rave reviews. Readers will be pleased to know Megan, dubbed New Zealand’s Lianne Moriarty and ‘new queen of the twist’, is currently working on her next novel.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Ahead of our conversation at the Queenstown Writers Festival, 10am, Sunday 12</span><span class="s3" style="font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: none; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 13.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>th</sup></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> November, Megan answers some <b>Quickfire Questions</b> and <b>Reviews - </b>Gwyneth Paltrow’s Xmas Wishlist 2023, The Royal Family, The Barbie Movie etc.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><u>Quickfire Questions:</u></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">English Breakfast</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> green tea</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Literary award winner <i>or</i> sassy women’s fiction – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">can I have both?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Mads Mikkelsen <i>or</i> Tom Hardy – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">neither or maybe both, argh…</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Jennifer Coolidge <i>or</i> Susan Sarandon – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Can’t choose!</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Love the two of them equally!</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">French Champagne</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> orange green-skin wine</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Truffled popcorn <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Cheezels</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Venison steak <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">mushroom risotto</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Shop in-store</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> shop online – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">but, tragically, adore both</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Sex Education</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> The Beckhams <i>or</i> Love Island Australia</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Kale matcha mushroom powder smoothie <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Krispy Kreme Donut</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Wellness Detox Retreat <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">family beach bach holiday</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">although have often felt like I needed a retreat after a family holiday</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">HRT</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> Wild Yam cream</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Friends over for dinner <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">restaurant meet-up</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">but both have their attractions and their downfalls</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Wall Pilates <i>or</i> walking the dog in the dog park – </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">but both actually feature quite prominently in my life</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Range Rover <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">small hybrid</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Pottery mug <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">fine china</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Duvet <i>or</i> </span><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">duvet with top-sheet</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s4" style="background-color: #ffff0b; font-kerning: none;">Perfectionist</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> <i>or</i> dreamer</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><u>One-sentence (brilliantly hilarious) Review/comments:</u></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b> </b></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The Royal family:</b> My inner socialist loathes what they represent, while the pleb in me isn’t too bovvered.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>New mum, Gillian Anderson in Series Three, Sex Education:</b> I’m yet to watch the third season but I do so love Gillian Anderson, in fact, I’ve always fancied I look a teensy bit like her!</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s Xmas Wishlist 2023 (inc. 24 karat gold, 24K vibrator):</b> It takes guts to be that tone-deaf.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>One tip for a happy marriage:</b> You don’t need to share each other’s interests, but your values should be in synch, oh, and keep shagging.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Kim Kardashian’s just released Skims Nipple Bra:</b> I was reserving judgement but after Googling an image of it worn under a white t-shirt, I have to say that while I’ve channelled many different looks in my time, sex doll is not one of them.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The worst thing about aging as a woman:</b> Realising how many years you wasted hating on your perfectly lovely body.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Describe yourself as a real estate ad:</b> Compact with a lot going on upstairs.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Helicopter parents:</b> When it comes to my kids, I’m always looking for that sweet spot between over- and under-parenting, but in truth I can be guilty of being a smother mother.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Name suppression rules in New Zealand: </b>At the risk of sounding like an advocate for the Sensible Sentencing Trust, I suspect name suppression is too freely granted in NZ.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Dogs:</b> My love for our dog, now aged 10, is coloured by the trauma she caused me as the naughtiest puppy in the world.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>GANNI Boots:</b> I once bought a pair of very expensive Ganni gumboots online and after three crippling outings, I was forced to cut my losses and drop them off at the Recycle Boutique.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>The Barbie Movie:</b> My daughter had seen all the videos on TikTok, and pictured us holding hands and quietly sobbing during the real women montage, but much to her dismay I slept through it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="background-color: white; font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="background-color: white;">Don't miss Megan in conversation with yours truly Sunday, 12 November, 10am, at Te Atamira, Remarkables Shopping Area. Jump here for tix to our </span><span style="background-color: #ff00fe;"><a href="https://www.eventfinda.co.nz/2023/megan-nicol-reed-in-conversation-queenstown-writers-fest/queenstown" target="_blank">bottomless brunch</a>.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> Catch you there! Jane x</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-54275318706330755602023-10-10T15:15:00.001+13:002023-10-10T16:13:16.482+13:00Did Agatha Christie Drink Gin?<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLU88k6L9FEBI1EnMyQL1FFh1nT_rYVjYa0pTTICJpbjla4SlemMh_D9uEbUuzFHMAbu0UHLCZ9yVh3KiCVe960tRTz3UQbC5dI0dSH2jpf5goKQeZc5lHEZySC6MzEM0DumKIfc4KoD8ITZfXoFm4iegPYaYSwhbNHLceTqOMQ0Q4qidX8c_0UpPd8Rs/s1118/Screenshot%202023-10-10%20at%203.10.56%20PM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1118" data-original-width="732" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoLU88k6L9FEBI1EnMyQL1FFh1nT_rYVjYa0pTTICJpbjla4SlemMh_D9uEbUuzFHMAbu0UHLCZ9yVh3KiCVe960tRTz3UQbC5dI0dSH2jpf5goKQeZc5lHEZySC6MzEM0DumKIfc4KoD8ITZfXoFm4iegPYaYSwhbNHLceTqOMQ0Q4qidX8c_0UpPd8Rs/s320/Screenshot%202023-10-10%20at%203.10.56%20PM.png" width="210" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Joan Collins not Agatha Christie</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><b style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 17px;"> </b><p></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">On Tuesday morning with Earl Grey tea in bed I log on to Facebook<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">grand dames I know are exploring exotic lands, one is floating down</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">the Nile on a river barge with men dressed in kaftans lifting striped</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">red sails and serving tea and cardamon cakes. The vessel looks</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">like the one used in the Agatha Christie film - <i>Death on the Nile</i></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I spy Hercule Poirot, famous Belgian detective on board.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The second is on a sun lounger at a villa beside a pool beside</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The Tyrrhenian Sea on the tiny island of Cagliari, Sardinia, waving</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">at the camera wearing a Joan Collins wide straw hat.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m in Middle Shotover watching a hawk breakfast on rabbit kill in</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">the front paddock and the sun dry chilled green grasses through</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">my dusty windows where a lost bumble bee knocks asking to come</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">in and I start to wonder - which one of us is living the dream because</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Agatha Christie was a teetotaller.</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 21px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 21px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 21px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Jane Bloomfield</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Collection 2023</p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><br /></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-7301530850690180532023-09-29T16:22:00.066+13:002023-09-30T11:58:06.062+13:00Go The F@*k To Sleep - my version<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhEe5UTsWzaBqKvSxcLP0yqO9S514k5m7ini1zxj8ifaiomEhQU2VptSlCPhw9L8YuRG4AhqKqbQM4oPb3u8cYCT7S9BjmE9VybiTgO2_GpZyyvV7UpdmAAmSOz1AsCqvz14CL-tI3Bvi2hQIpsyI8eUWfhLg45wwMg0A4-6ZaGoxNiIEpMBb_ha9-l4j3/s1278/379660743_1432604510620504_8373665617682491938_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1278" data-original-width="959" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhEe5UTsWzaBqKvSxcLP0yqO9S514k5m7ini1zxj8ifaiomEhQU2VptSlCPhw9L8YuRG4AhqKqbQM4oPb3u8cYCT7S9BjmE9VybiTgO2_GpZyyvV7UpdmAAmSOz1AsCqvz14CL-tI3Bvi2hQIpsyI8eUWfhLg45wwMg0A4-6ZaGoxNiIEpMBb_ha9-l4j3/s320/379660743_1432604510620504_8373665617682491938_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">St Lukes Hospice Shop, 20 cents</td></tr></tbody></table><h1 style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></h1><h2 style="text-align: left;">Rust Never Sleeps</h2><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 13px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>These days I go to bed to stay awake half the night but I don’t feel alone</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>I have the gravelly honey tones of ready steady sleep App guy with me</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>I’m not listening to his instructions - get yourself comfortable any position is fine</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>I like to lie on my back with my hands on my stomach croons Dave with whale</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>backing music. I get my breathing - in for four, hold for seven, out for eight</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>all out of kilter because I’m imagining Dave is right beside me whispering in my ear</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>as I massage my belly swollen with spaghetti bolognese and hokey pokey ice cream</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>doused in go the fuck to sleep CBD oil. He’s a dark knight in the darkness. Solid</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>buff shoulders, slight dad bod, upper crumpet British accent with a hint of lad.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>Comforting. He’s my radio all night jock telling me the only girl in the bed</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>room that I can go to sleep at any time. Anytime. The whale parps, I’m feeling drowsy</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>holding your breath all the time really reduces your oxygen saturation levels causing</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>sleepiness and the hint of a headache. I roll onto my side and tuck my hands under</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>my silk lavender-scented pillow.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>But my brain has detached itself from weariness, it won’t shut up if only it was</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>this active in daylight. Dave is still whispering to me but I start thinking about</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>Jayroam on swiftly softly back to sleep, I’m whittling a poem, a fantasy, I imagine</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>JayRay with a wide white beard down to his belly button sitting by a campfire in</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>tights and a gherkin-coloured jerkin belted over his round tummy, legs crossed</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>reading </span>from a book as thick as Grimms Gruesome Fairy Tales 1st edition.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Jayroam my lil gnome smoking a bone pipe filled with nutmeg-flavoured tobacco</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">rolled on the strapping thigh of his homely wife who is a giantess named Gladdest.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I would share a pine-scented calico yurt with Jayroam any day in an ancient</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">redwood forest, I’d lie snug in my wool sleep-sack while JayRay read tales of beasts</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and maidens with the bloody sexist scary bits left out. All the princes have to go</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">in search of professions instead of murdering dragons and pashing bored princesses</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">who they now can’t locate because they’re away with cool covens learning how to</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">be boss bitches.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>After two PC tales, I’d be sucking my thumb while circling my left nostril with my</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>willow</span><span> </span><span>feeling like a babe back in the womb - my luxury waterbed - twenty-seven</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>degrees of </span><span>amniotic fluid weightless warm, drift dreaming on mother love and</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>future REM sleeps.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>I heart you sleep App guys.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>Jane Bloomfield</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span>Collection 2023</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-24755182345154859202023-07-05T15:44:00.005+12:002023-07-05T18:47:09.871+12:00Pears, Poetry & Pond Swimming - a private diary<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLVfX4t7t52QBBgzgWocvMHVA0qS7isy8vx6XNbtBfRBWwISy37JwqVAc7PK4rsy3Gke_y7GJKXm643iYxv5Lcb9-3bBdJWj-3kH8qEOszu-C_7_WLOpJ_8f9jM79vcqz7o1xQE1VlSwvrs0zpNfW8LHNTr6DG3JVOmDusBu6b_z4Tc9SUBCXxjBxpbbZj/s1280/357901506_2893405870789283_4960449860058247599_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLVfX4t7t52QBBgzgWocvMHVA0qS7isy8vx6XNbtBfRBWwISy37JwqVAc7PK4rsy3Gke_y7GJKXm643iYxv5Lcb9-3bBdJWj-3kH8qEOszu-C_7_WLOpJ_8f9jM79vcqz7o1xQE1VlSwvrs0zpNfW8LHNTr6DG3JVOmDusBu6b_z4Tc9SUBCXxjBxpbbZj/s320/357901506_2893405870789283_4960449860058247599_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">A while back, I made poached peers in red wine. I found the recipe on BBC food. I chose it because it was the simplest one, contained the fewest ingredients. And I liked the fact that you boiled the shit out of six naked pears in a whole bottle of red wine! I bought an organic merlot for this purpose because the label was pretty and it was on special for a cool fourteen 99. I also bought cinnamon sticks, which made me think of Michael Ondaatje’s highly-scented love poem </span><i style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">“The Cinnamon Peeler’s Wife”</i><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">. Michael O is a Sri Lankan born Canadian.</span></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I really want to go to Sri Lanka one day. It would be a research eat-pray-love trip. I want to set a book in the tropics. Perhaps on a jungle high tea plantation then on the surf-edged pearl-sand south coast. I imagined the air to smell of cinnamon or cloves or wet black pepper – some sort of moist spice. And the trees would be enormous, cream barked with large, shiny leaves and burgeoning boughs heavy with monkeys, no doubt, boa constrictors too. What is the biological name of monkeys … primates … simians … cousins … something. I like this as a technique – dropping in biological connections into prose just for a swerve. Snakes Serpentes, Cow bovine, cat feline, horse equine. Make me look cleverer. It’s so easy to jump on the internet and look stuff up. Where was I? Oh yes, the poached pears. Those lil mofos took so much boiling. At least one hour, when the recipe stated 20-30 minutes. But I wanted them tender to the bite, no crunch in the middle. On and on my cauldron bubbled. When I finally decided enough was enough I took them out. I still had to turn up the heat for the next step - reducing the syrup into a sticky mess to pour over the awaiting plated pears. Well, that was not going to happen in a flash either. My Nana, who was a terrible cook, would have added cornflour. She did this once to scrambled eggs. My grandpa didn’t complain. The pears did look resplendent, in their burgundy glory at 9.45pm. Coronation worthy – regal purple orbs. Weirdly these pears started off red. They’re red-skinned pears. The Queen of Pears. You wouldn’t say King.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">~~</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next day, after my Zoom poetry workshop, I tried to meditate but failed. #CowboyTheKitty was snuggled with me on the bed. I watched him like a newborn and I fell further in love. I decided while I lay there watching mindless yet enjoyable IG reels to go to Lake Hayes for a walk at three. I’d try and get all metaphorical in the late autumn sun walking along the lake track as it rises into scrub and this random, high-fenced deer farm. Only when I got there the sun was on the wrong side of the lake. Never ask me to read a map. I hummed and haa’d and decided I wanted an incline so I set off into the shade anyhoo. I was passed by old farts on e-bikes barely peddling. I told them telepathically that if they want to get their steps up, they should brisk walk. I saw nothing of note except a small dog turd full of corn kernels on a rock, actually it was three terrier-sized turds on a rock, which was schist.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Soon I turned round and walked back towards the sun, when I passed my favourite dipping spot of the summer I decided I’d do it. Dunk in the lake. 1st May on the morrow, but hey. I collected my towel and old dressing gown from the car and doubled back. A dude with a number two and an overly pomaded hipster beard was sitting at <i>my</i> picnic table talking loudly on the phone on speaker about an intense domestic dispute he was having with his partner. I moved further down. The surface of the lake rippled. Two black swans, vine necked red beaked, fished metres from shore. I slipped out of my walking clothes. I’d put my bikini pants on just in case. My black sports top would do. I walked in up to my waist then submerged to my neck. A year back I would have screamed or at least panted but I have conditioned myself to the sudden chill of freshwater alpine ponds. I swam a few strokes then tried to stand. I couldn’t touch the bottom. There is always the slight fear I might pass out and drown. I turned to shore. Breast-stroked. My ovaries were ahead of me in outer Mongolia. Other parts had already reached the capital - Ulan Bator (the coldest capital in the world FYI.) However, a certain warmth envelopes a chilled wet body returning to air. An atmospheric crush. Like warm custard on prickled kiwis. Don’t ever serve me quince.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’d tried to do some homework on my walk earlier. Get more imaginative with imagery.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The stream - an oasis of moisture for thirsty eels</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Seed head on weed - seed dispenser of a future spring</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Autumn poplar tree - Tall lady with a packet blonde dye job</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Tall tree - Lighthouse beacon for birds of prey</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Dog shit - Even a man’s best friend poos. Or. No mammal digests corn. Or for god sake don’t step in it.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Alas, I’m still at kindergarten but you never know what you’ll see - if you open your eyes.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-52298251601567947462023-06-15T16:00:00.005+12:002024-01-31T12:58:24.764+13:00Cleopatra Married Her Brother When He Was Ten<p><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlzNsIxa-6nOnciIC14ZtERIvSGu9bGcj4690nGfLVT0weVc9WekF8Ybe0XkK5E5yheX-OIviZyfSbtV2NWS-AIGcaRTlj-zwZVJs4XeHxjjAkr4nxjD-ME2vVXm2u2MWWu6_fUU87yEb6V88vN6OvPl54GL71G5V687wX3Nqc4_N3DZHo6goRAH31Pw/s1138/liz%20taylor%20cleopatra.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="824" data-original-width="1138" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlzNsIxa-6nOnciIC14ZtERIvSGu9bGcj4690nGfLVT0weVc9WekF8Ybe0XkK5E5yheX-OIviZyfSbtV2NWS-AIGcaRTlj-zwZVJs4XeHxjjAkr4nxjD-ME2vVXm2u2MWWu6_fUU87yEb6V88vN6OvPl54GL71G5V687wX3Nqc4_N3DZHo6goRAH31Pw/w320-h256/liz%20taylor%20cleopatra.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Elizabeth Taylor as Cleopatra in the 1963 Hollywood budget blowout 'Cleopatra'</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><h3 style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><b>Cleopatra Married Her Brother When He Was Ten</b></h3><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Central Otago was having the hottest summer in five hundred moons</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Its women folk melted into pools of perspiration every afternoon around three</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">As they lay on their beds panting</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">dreaming of ceiling fans on high and</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Shirtless Jason Mamoas in MC Hammer pants fanning them with</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Long-handled ostrich feather fans</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Smiling adoringly</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">while their spa baths of chilled asses’ milk drew</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">into lactic acid boosting age spot reducing perfection</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Cleopatra kept a herd of 700 donkeys to maintain her daily fixation</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Did you know</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She was also barely five feet tall<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Did you know</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The lovechild of Cleopatra and Julius Caesar was named</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Caesarion – a son</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Alas on rising an evening dip in a lake with ducks and swans was the only option</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">slimy with various manures the water if perfectly chilled did</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">nothing to plump fine lines and wrinkles</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">and rewind the ravages of time on local femme<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The heady heat that followed day into night would not leave</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The drought ridden land until autumn</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">It was the endless summer that drove her to it</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">One hot lady took fate in her sweaty palms</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">put on a sundress and a wide smile of Charlotte Tilbury Electric Poppy Hot Lips and drove to Queenstown Central – please note there is no<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Queenstown in Queenstown Central - it’s in Frankton</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There are a lot of bargain bin barn-sized stores with small electrics departments<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Investing in a supercharged 1000 dollar Dyson Air Cooler was a stretch too far</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The hot hottie spent $69.99 on a Goldair Desk Circulator with Blue Tooth to</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">efficiently blow warm air at herself on high</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Why Blue Tooth she asks the very attendant attendant</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">You can take it outside</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Wait a hot picnic – that’s an idea</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Lady and her Mac desktop al fresco trying to<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Write the novel she’s been trying to write</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Well, resurrect for a long since hot forever</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They’re at the counter now going through the motions</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Credit card, Fly Buys, mobile number</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Everyone knows the drill only now</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">There’s a new one</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">“Do you have a gold card?”</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Poor lady swoons her lipstick matts she may as well be</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">in the desert astride her bad-tempered camel named Nobby at noon</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">A blush prickles from the tips of her toes to her scalp freezing her brain</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m 58 says a limp voice</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Mr Attendant attendant keeps going</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">He goes on and on acting the fool and the goat</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">he has no idea what the required age is for national super</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The lady fidgets and looks around for one of those stands with</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">How was your experience today</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">she would have smashed that sad-face</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Slapped it so hard with her new slides from La Tribe</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Now the guy beside her is staring</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Is the joke on her – was she missing something – a store loyalty</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">What is your gold card? she asks Mr A A</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">We offer a discount to our senior citizens he smiles with full teeth</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Where are all the good one-liners when you need them</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">At the bottom of an alpine lake turning into a future proofing gut enhancing algae</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m not that old someone says feebly you need to be 65 for a gold card I need seven years</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">She also needed her receipt</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next day the temperature drops to a cool 16 degrees</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Allowing pause for a moment from Googling why ass not cow for bathing</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">And fun facts about Cleopatra and her baby daddy Mark Antony</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">They had a secret drinking club à deux – The Inimitable Livers</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But the summer continued hot and she ran that fan on high</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Sometimes she took to her bed of an afternoon sat it beside her and dreamed</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">But she never took it outside</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Jane Bloomfield</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">from Collection 2023</p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-43107947022950276902023-06-09T15:21:00.004+12:002023-06-09T15:24:50.229+12:00A Friday of Poems<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU3hL3bOfCLJ61d0bXOCjegf5AAZ2SO4Mu9G8H0KP4pv8pchH6zBcvNfTxFYOgzx0-vgXDrwl___wu2vnd9RbplOsB9DzR05-QgS4wayQxFqyJmE4VIVbs6grFG-uVyTwpw2KAwDYvd152jt6gOyCGOG4ytXapYH0Vbyob_i_iHWQxT_ts3flLCam7-Q/s1280/jane%20running.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1280" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhU3hL3bOfCLJ61d0bXOCjegf5AAZ2SO4Mu9G8H0KP4pv8pchH6zBcvNfTxFYOgzx0-vgXDrwl___wu2vnd9RbplOsB9DzR05-QgS4wayQxFqyJmE4VIVbs6grFG-uVyTwpw2KAwDYvd152jt6gOyCGOG4ytXapYH0Vbyob_i_iHWQxT_ts3flLCam7-Q/s320/jane%20running.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mad author running in permafrost with dog, June 23</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><h3 style="text-align: left;">Club Mile High Confusion</h3><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Aisle sitters yes you</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Why would you choose to stare at the back of a seat when you can stare at the world from</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">32,000 feet</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And sit in the sun</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wear your shadze if you want</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As you gaze down at the clouds like goddam Jesus himself</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">or god himself</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Or god's mum</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Queen God</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Moon cloud mattresses</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Kapok dreams heaven sent to</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">mountain ridges, kidney-shaped lakes</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">braided rivers cubic zirconia bright</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">the sea oh the sea</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">green carpet crops</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">a house with a child waving</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You're an explorer of the 2020s</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">A human drone</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">While you smell the Nescafe permeating the cabin</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">cookie or kumara crisps</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Club mile high</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Windowseat Tours R Us</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><h3 style="text-align: left;">Robbie Williams Was in a Band Called Take That</h3><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I once had a novel edited</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">and was told I used that too much</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And that that is not needed</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That it's most often superfluous</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now every time I go to at a that</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I fight myself</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">then I leave it out</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But I know for a fact</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">that sometimes</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">just like a Brit boy band</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That word that</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">is needed</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">so I slap it back in</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Take That</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: medium;">That</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></b></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b><span style="font-size: medium;">Running Into Sixty</span></b></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The GP called Dr Caramello like the biscuit said</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">When you start running you should only run one minute</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">then walk one minute</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Otherwise you’ll get shin splints</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Otherwise you might not be able to walk the next day</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">If</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Like me you start running</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Mental as anything</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You’re feeling good</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It’s Day #1</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You manage ten minute stretches no sweat</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Actually you are sweating but you’re enjoying</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The sweat</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You ran down to the river</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">So you run up</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As best you can</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But you puff like a pot smoker</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And you have to stop frequently</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">To catch breath yours</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You don’t stretch after your 5 km run</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You’re too busy Tweeting about it!</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Thought I’d start running again. Day #1 done! All joints intact!”</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You do get the chills and drink coffee instead of water</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The next day you ache all over</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">By the afternoon you feel like you’re coming down with something</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">The flu, the covid, the cold so common</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You’re hot in your new modal top from</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Glassons made <i>sustainably</i> from beech leaves</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You think you’ll go to bed early</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">But you have G & T read a chapter of Penelope Lively</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You love Penelope Lively and want to be her</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You cook the dinner</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">You look at the new running shoes you bought<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">high post Day #1 run</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And decide to give yourself another day’s respite</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">In case, you know, shin splints</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Then you’ll run again</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Into sixty</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Jane Bloomfield</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-family: Calibri; font-feature-settings: normal; font-kerning: auto; font-optical-sizing: auto; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variation-settings: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-size: medium;">from 'Collection 2023'</span></p></div><br /><p><br /></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-85152610340761822462023-03-14T13:01:00.007+13:002023-03-18T16:57:40.860+13:00We Need To Talk About Harry<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dz7X-gnDgSlde_9bruv7utdNsBlyZPFBcyv00W3FKzzoERdA3jEM6TiuhSjsbSEdA-wPTrxtEDygb-s7kJaBw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I was the only nearly 59-year-old woman wearing a silver sequinned tube dress and pearls at the Harry Styles concert at Mt Smart stadium last Tuesday. Almost all of the other 40,000+ fans attending wore pink. I have never seen so much pink. The bleachers glowed pink. The sickly drinks on sale were pink. I doubt fans wore this much pink to Pink. Harry bless him wore aubergine coloured trousers, a sequinned whale tale on a white t-shirt, and a huge smile. I was hoping for a sequinned body suit THB. Although his trousers perfectly matched the aubergine reference which came up on repeat in his fruit n veg encore (check it out on Tik Tok*)<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmKwuMOjlR5VftTlAI17mItgYR1H16vq8WqzKW0riz7CsdtFabP0a3pRogmgH0Qv02AmMFSdOqd-ucWjgeZ3my7kA_WCUyIdn6fZjC12oK0xWjl1-pxkeWuQ4SBdbfJc-kgtpUcLZTzne4wxOCC8LZp02S1xdJt6bsR_xKXPa-ChX7MTHW8Q9vxFXIEA/s2048/334545962_225729316688922_9194229932951606743_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmKwuMOjlR5VftTlAI17mItgYR1H16vq8WqzKW0riz7CsdtFabP0a3pRogmgH0Qv02AmMFSdOqd-ucWjgeZ3my7kA_WCUyIdn6fZjC12oK0xWjl1-pxkeWuQ4SBdbfJc-kgtpUcLZTzne4wxOCC8LZp02S1xdJt6bsR_xKXPa-ChX7MTHW8Q9vxFXIEA/s320/334545962_225729316688922_9194229932951606743_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">pink</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Hello, I’m Harry, said Harry. The crowd screamed. No one threw bras or thongs this was a sober teenage rage of the best kind. Be yourselves tonight, said Harry, be anyone you want to be. The crowd swayed (some possibly cried.) Young fans had been waiting 500 hours outside the stadium to get beneath Harry’s stage gaze. They (me included) hung on his every word. The cheeky pretty pop god from Cheshire is funny. He does good banter. Witty off-the-cuff stuff. The crowd performed a newbie kids' author’s verbology. They swooned. Fizzed. Giggled. Cried. Sang. Cheered. Whistled. Screamed. Woooed. Danced. They danced with their hands above their heads, with their cell phone lights on. Cheap feather boas from Spotlight and LookSmart dropped a rainbow of feathers. Where had all those feathers come from? Why did they drop so easily. Thousands of necks were rubbed by their pricky points. I wore baby pink, Daughter-one white, Daughter-two yellow along with a Harry’s House t-shirt worn as a dress. There was a lot of flesh on show. But also not. There were dads dressed to match their pre-teen daughters! OMG. Cute. Never has there been such a good time at an <i>underage </i>rage.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDyUGC01M0GWBC0hlQnz_DagLQKSgxLNAt1y34dNyx1WcXe1YoBAlVK3dVD54-nyKE5xgACZ-AGus6SU74jjkBbkbTYjmBkinQKKTCpFDkvS9ahkrqFkFxDp5ReX5_VBU6eAoCrNo2nAbSEjndP9XrVAKxy5yKKliVaUEiGJWvyZrn7kp4yLjkl6uHsQ/s972/334918909_591460742851576_8822081757351179039_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="972" data-original-width="959" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgDyUGC01M0GWBC0hlQnz_DagLQKSgxLNAt1y34dNyx1WcXe1YoBAlVK3dVD54-nyKE5xgACZ-AGus6SU74jjkBbkbTYjmBkinQKKTCpFDkvS9ahkrqFkFxDp5ReX5_VBU6eAoCrNo2nAbSEjndP9XrVAKxy5yKKliVaUEiGJWvyZrn7kp4yLjkl6uHsQ/s320/334918909_591460742851576_8822081757351179039_n.jpg" width="316" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Best Dressed</td></tr></tbody></table></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Harry has been accused of gay-baiting with his feminine attire. I’m not really up with his love life except for Olivia Wilde but to me his clothes are just an exploration of freedom and fuck you. The pearls, the painted nails, the high heels, the fluffy jumpers, the mesh vests and chiffon tie neck blouses. He’s the Bowie of the 2020’s and we need him. All the pigeon holing that’s done nowadays is such an offensive yawn. Funny that his last name is Styles because the guy rocks loads of the stuff. His stage show from Rear Floor (not even the arse arse end of the stadium) was a bit Sweetwaters tbf. Main stage video back drop, two side panels wide enough for one hooman at a time. I had no idea he had a t-boned stage that he danced along eyeing up those crying teens doing the thumbs up and heart-hand signs to make sure they weren’t about to perish. But me and my gals had room to move our booties and throw our hands in the air on the spongy plastic floor covering the pitch underneath. I clocked up 21,000 steps that night. The nek day I felt as though I’d been out clubbing, downing tequila shots. I hadn’t. All it took was one pink drink and the infectious happiness of crowd. The One Directioners who’d grown up with Harry, those that fell in love and remained loyal from his first Watermelon lapping album. Guy’s won Grammys. Guy’s going places. Yet he still thanked us, the crowd, over and over. Thank you Auckland and surrounding areas, he repeated. I’ve been cumming to Noo Zeeeeland for 11 years now. He did the Census. He sang, Tutira Mai Nga Iwi. He had fruit thrown at him. A banana. An Apple. His vocalist and percussionist ironically is a kiwi named Niall. She did a headstand which turned into a walk over and looked insanely painful. Harry’s hot. His band’s hot. For what the show lacked in fireworks and a drone light show, it made it up for it with eye candy, a still night and the full moon coming out on cue.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">The next day at a hip café in Grey Lynn the manager asked me where I’d been, pointing at the mauve wrist tag I still hadn’t removed. Harry Styles, I said. Oh, I was at Pavement that night, shows how different we are. She then went on to state how her kids did like him but they grew out of him and he should stay off the big screen and what was that last movie he did the one with Florence Pugh? <i>Don’t Worry Darling</i>, Daughter-two said, me and my friends loved it. I said, I loved the concert. I wanted to say, Hon you need to swap those black Docs for your pink ones, swap the denim cut-offs and grey T for a sequinned mini, pop along to a LOVEONTOUR concert, and dance like nobody's watching. Harry Styles snobs seem torn – like people who keep reading turgid literary tomes on the train when they really want to read a rip-roaring women’s fiction. Let your hair down, I say. Or put it up, and run up a pink one-piece, wrap fairy lights around your Stetson and get on down.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicJFEFiNQZuKLzqjrVayp2bpz6MxRIleTQlonUIvKm1_hiDy9je_uR6BEB0NrH67Qt2lnQpnOnOxhoETtN0ZrXsZeaKGDPXz8VUTexCfxKlta7tNqJ-RIG01w3liBv8fdXuAZF3knezhPve1zTVJs4dYrX2YXP_tWp-pK5zShJvvlEtmnH9h1YQJgBWQ/s2048/334975402_538232118450110_4065768687371628825_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicJFEFiNQZuKLzqjrVayp2bpz6MxRIleTQlonUIvKm1_hiDy9je_uR6BEB0NrH67Qt2lnQpnOnOxhoETtN0ZrXsZeaKGDPXz8VUTexCfxKlta7tNqJ-RIG01w3liBv8fdXuAZF3knezhPve1zTVJs4dYrX2YXP_tWp-pK5zShJvvlEtmnH9h1YQJgBWQ/s320/334975402_538232118450110_4065768687371628825_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Over-excited author with gorgeous daughters</td></tr></tbody></table><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">More than one middle-aged woman has already weighed in on the Harry Styles cool. Alison Mau, SST with her piece titled, “Why I’m Bananas for Harry’s style”, said it all. I discovered several lady friends had been there celebrating life on Tuesday with their chillin (not that ours need chaperoning anymore.) Pip. Claire. Sally.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Later a friend in Millers Flat asked if Harry waved at me. I replied, Ha no … but honestly it was the happiest gathering of 40,000+ singing and dancing people that I’ve ever been at. I didn’t get taken to pop concerts by my mum when I was a tween. I would’ve happily swooned to The Bee Gees, Fleetwood Mac, The Beatles, Leo Sayer ... Alison M said the crowd ranged from 7 to 70. Hurry back Harry!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Until nek time, girlfriends.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"> </p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">I’m Harry.</p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica;">* https://www.tiktok.com/@briacameron/video/7207779831314910465?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7190920291958277633</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-80983288651032216232022-11-02T13:09:00.008+13:002022-11-08T08:36:41.635+13:00Behind The Scenes with Famous Kiwi Author - Christine Leunens<p></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGwNzl0hBmEpy4cw7EuRQDVcYN-S-q8caYv6wuCYxgPsHdgUytHYTaNQwOB1pQKaDBpAjLqDnp9GZ524TyqhBJPcPWGSxsMETtM_sVGDs-_v8UCveC9qDkgaheHHxmDuUPnUU_cL8I-Iufq7XRhMLWHZeJcWxLPhrWTD_jgEdNgPn2L9CvPg-xItUYIw/s1874/CD%20Leunens%2017%20Apr%20-%20smile%20(2).JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1874" data-original-width="1419" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGwNzl0hBmEpy4cw7EuRQDVcYN-S-q8caYv6wuCYxgPsHdgUytHYTaNQwOB1pQKaDBpAjLqDnp9GZ524TyqhBJPcPWGSxsMETtM_sVGDs-_v8UCveC9qDkgaheHHxmDuUPnUU_cL8I-Iufq7XRhMLWHZeJcWxLPhrWTD_jgEdNgPn2L9CvPg-xItUYIw/s320/CD%20Leunens%2017%20Apr%20-%20smile%20(2).JPG" width="242" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Christine Leunens, author</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px;">Ahead of our 'conversation' at the Queenstown Writer’s Festival 2022, Christine Leunens, internationally bestselling author, and screenwriter, generously answers some nitty gritty, behind-the-scenes questions.</span><p></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;">1.What do you read for pleasure? What are you reading right now?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Mostly literary and historical fiction. Dr Monty Soutar’s <i>K</i></span><span class="s3" style="font-family: Times; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><i>ā</i></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>wai: For Such a Time As This</i>.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">2.You were born in the US to an Italian mum and Belgian dad, what languages did you speak at home, and which language do you write in? </span><span class="s4" style="color: #6cacdd; font-kerning: none;">English, because my mother needed to learn and practice her English.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">3.Where do you write, do you have a special room, routine, do you write every day?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I have an office space, rather than a room, sort of open and vulnerable to invasion from other family members. My routine is undergoing a major overhaul, as I try and fit in fitness, which does get comical at times.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">4.When and where did you learn to play the violin?</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I joined a youth orchestra when I was around ten years old, and the conductor handed us each an instrument, some sheet music and got us all to just start playing, explaining as we went along. It seems kind of surreal today.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">5.What books did you read as a child, were you a bookworm?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I read everything I could get my hands on in the public library. I started with children’s series but then moved to adult fiction when I probably too young - Albert Camus’ <i>The Stranger</i>, and the Bront</span><span class="s5" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">ë</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"> sisters, not fully understanding what was going on but feeling there was a strange adult world to navigate out there. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">6.Your paternal grandfather was a well renown Flemish painter and sculptor, Guillaume Leunens, was he an influence on your creative life?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">My grandfather was the one to predict that one day I would become a writer from the letters I used to write.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>He influenced me not just in art, but also made me keenly aware of the many challenges artists face in life.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">7.Do you remember your high school English teacher?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Of course. Every time I start a sentence with a “but” or end one with a preposition.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">8.Did you keep diaries or write letters or stories as a child?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I used to write long letters to family and close friends when I was young.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">9.Did you have your sights set on becoming a model when you left school and moved to Paris?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I was studying a year at university in Montpellier, France, when I was approached by an agency and offered an apartment in Paris and what to me seemed like a very timely summer job. I had no idea it would soon have me travelling around the world and forever after preferring faces with no make-up.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">10.You lived on a French stud farm in France in your 20s, do you ride?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I used to, until an accident left me too afraid to anymore. Occasionally I have the odd dream of galloping through a forest and jumping a log the way I used to – without falling.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">11.Did you suggest Taika Waititi play Hitler (young Johannes imaginary friend) in Jojo Rabbit?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">In an email, “Hey, Taika, don’t take this the wrong way, but I could really see you as Hitler”. But it was when Searchlight suggested it that Taika took the idea seriously.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">13.Is attending the Oscars as glamorous and fun as it looks?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Absolutely, and a little daunting too. A few times I had a natural reflex to go to someone I recognised, only to realise, hey, wait, that’s such and such, and stopping in my tracks.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">14.What advice do you have for wannabe screenwriters?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Persist.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">15.Is the mother-in-law in “A Can of Sunshine” based on anyone you know?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Edith? Hm. I’m a bit of a Dr Frankenstein in that I tend to borrow a bit of this and that from various people I know to create a given character, but then somehow they come to life on their own and take on their own unique personality. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">16.What are the repeating themes in your books, if any?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">How someone can get themselves impossibly enmeshed in something that they never saw coming, with seemingly no way out. My characters also tend to get caught up with what’s happening in the wider world.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s6" style="color: black; font-kerning: none;">17.Which famous writers would you have around for dinner, and what would you serve? </span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Oscar Wilde. Kazuo Ishiguro. Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Homemade ravioli, insalata mista, spinach and ricotta, and strawberry tiramisu.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span>(I'd like to attend that dinner!)</p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><h4 style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><u>Short Shorts</u></b></span></h4><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Cook</span>/Wash the dishes</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Pasta</span>/Risotto</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Gnocchi/<span style="background-color: #fcff01;">F<span>ettuccine</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Chianti</span>/Marlborough sauvignon blanc <span style="color: #9fc5e8;">(Sorry, but I am after all Italian)</span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Coffee/<span style="background-color: #fcff01;">H<span>ot chocolate</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Book</span>/Movie</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Novel</span>/Memoir</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Classical music</span>/Pop<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Ballet</span>/Pilates</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Morning person/<span style="background-color: #fcff01;">N<span>ight owl</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Designer clothes/<span style="background-color: #fcff01;">J<span>eans & T-shirt</span></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Walk</span>/Ride a bike</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Meditate/<span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Sit on the beach</span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #6cacdd; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s6" style="color: black; font-kerning: none;"><span style="background-color: #fcff01;">Write/Read</span><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Both – for a writer one is like exhaling, the other one like inhaling.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>You can hear Christine Leunens in conversation with me (</b></span><b>Jane Bloomfield) about her latest novel - ‘In Amber’s Wake’, and what goes on behind the writing scenes in Hollywood, <a href="https://www.eventfinda.co.nz/2022/christine-leunens-and-jane-bloomfield/queenstown" target="_blank">on Sunday 13th November @ 5pm.</a></b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><br /></b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><b>The Queenstown Writers Festival takes place 11 -13 November, 2022.</b></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><b>For more information on the full programme: <a href="https://www.qtwritersfestival.nz/programme/" target="_blank">click me.</a></b></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-75748299123483155902022-08-12T14:58:00.005+12:002022-08-18T08:56:38.465+12:00Anhedonia And The Crystal Healer - A Self-Help Story<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrq0yxa-utNelyVC9umX2ml1bjSqD4vKhMCqHflj6zpbUzDBMFjFnQSc81Upj0rBdJrWpQIp82JM7HgoIDCRjY_UQp_j9_VXP-MyZmcLQbOpVvmiGEiRyfSszMO_rtof1jO_0sDmbr4fiawURKB-MmO4GXsdWzpEM4GuhlxCypVvBzHl7aC4DkSICHyA/s1286/298376752_454036406591071_8995550589669084959_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1286" data-original-width="960" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrq0yxa-utNelyVC9umX2ml1bjSqD4vKhMCqHflj6zpbUzDBMFjFnQSc81Upj0rBdJrWpQIp82JM7HgoIDCRjY_UQp_j9_VXP-MyZmcLQbOpVvmiGEiRyfSszMO_rtof1jO_0sDmbr4fiawURKB-MmO4GXsdWzpEM4GuhlxCypVvBzHl7aC4DkSICHyA/w149-h200/298376752_454036406591071_8995550589669084959_n.jpg" width="149" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Hey, Menopausal Lady-Friends if you’ve been flatlining lately over the things that used to make you <i>dance</i>! A walk on a windswept beach. Lunch with your girls. Fresh nails. Fresh kicks. Baking cakes. Arranging flowers. Online sale shopping …? You may be suffering from a little know syndrome called <b>Anhedonia</b>.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’d never heard of it either until the other day, when I uplifted an Australian Women’s Weekly from Koru, as you do. Towards the back of the mag in the health section, under the sadly titled - <i>Menopause</i> “Feeling Flat? This Could Be Why” there it was - Anhedonia, derived from Greek meaning - <i>without pleasure</i>. It appears that along with the many delights attached to oestrogen levels dropping you may/can also say goodbye to happy levels of the feel-good chemicals dopamine and serotonin, and hello to Anhedonia.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’ve certainly been flatlining since well before Covid raised its ugly head (and have been wondering why?) What could be the cause of this loss of enjoyment, and feeling generally numb? I’ve been on HRT for three years, a daily dose of synthetic oestrogen but still oestrogen. It certainly fixes a lot of menopausal things but the more I think about it - not my happy metre. Is it general mid-life boredom? Adult children leaving the nest? <i>Failed</i> children’s author syndrome (my last book came out in 2017.) Maybe I’m just a sad person. Naw. I certainly dance and sing when nobody’s watching. But I’d love to mine me some enthusiasm.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Sufferers report not being able to feel much of anything.’ Jeepers stir my arsenic tea. Cures include: <i>Plan something fun!</i> (Go to a theme park!) <i>Share your feelings </i>(I don’t have a life coach, who would listen!) <i>Rediscover touch – walk on the lawn barefoot</i> (it’s winter.) <i>Give yourself a 15-minute facial massage every morning to boost oxytocin levels</i> (personally I’d prefer to spend fifteen minutes doing something else personal.) <i>Try HRT or eat phytoestrogens</i> – nuts, seeds, soya products. I do.*</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It’s not really ‘an inability to experience pleasure’ I have it’s just that like - <i>hearts</i> on an IG post – the joy is short-lived. I can certainly smell the frangipanis and I’ve been experiencing new things - Ayurvedic massage for one. And old things – riding a motorized two-wheeled vehicle (thankfully my trusty Lombok scooter was automatic, I have accomplished a wheel stand on a farm bike in first gear, aged 15.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">However, this flatness did lead me book in to Leah the crystal healer, for a second time. I’m new to self-help. I’ve never sought therapy, although I probably should have after my brother died and during bouts of post-natal depression. I’ve always hung on to the notion that – with time, it will pass. Now I’ve given in to the fact that people want to help, and similar to seeking acupuncture when you’re so racked with morning sickness you can barely stand – it’s a kind person you give money to who’s trained to listen. And help. (Plus I'm writing magic realism atm.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">As expected, while I told my writer friends I was going to my crystal healer on the Monday, after the kid lit conference, their eyes glazed over and such was/is the membrane thinness of my fear of failure soul, I was suddenly filled with doubt.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">So when Leah brushed me off with an email on Monday morning saying she’d forgotten she was taking her son to the orthodontist and could I do Tuesday?</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I thought beggar my chakras – it’s a sign.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">There had been a lot of signs over the weekend, at the hui.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Whale sightings.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Spring rain in the park.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Evening light over one tree hill.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Early morning coppers knocking on the front and back doors.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Taxiing to the viaduct to find the restaurant was a kilometre away on Fort Street. I needed to get my <i>steps</i> up.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m going home this afternoon, I cried.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Leah embraced me in a soft hug and started wafting my energy fields towards her with open palms, as I relaxed into her soft sofa.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I don’t know what my gift is, she said, but I see things</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I unloaded. I’m not blocked. It’s not writer’s block it’s just …</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Fear, she said</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My pupils dilated.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m feeling your luck change late August, early September but it’s going to be different, not your normal publisher</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A movie deal, I blurted out (in utter jest FYI) Disney Hyperion. I have two MG novels on submission. I’ve had 4 rejections.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m seeing number 9</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I have a lucky number. It’s never been 9.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Her hands, warm on my temples. How can someone have such warm hands?</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m on my back under the blankie, two heavy crystals in my hands, one on my heart chakra and a lighter crystal on my third-eye-chakra (forehead.) I’m breathing into my belly and breathing out into my root chakra, rooting myself into the earth of possibilities.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Every solid tree needs good rootage.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Now I’m above my head, my crown chakra, I’m trying with all my might to channel my guides.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Leah is calling all the unblocking guides she knows. Jesus and Mary are mentioned. We’ve never discussed religion.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I see Tapu my paternal grandfather. He’s always my first guide to appear. It’s a photo of him smiling, wearing his dog collar. He was a vicar. The Archdeacon of Hawke’s Bay, in fact.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I call my ancestors to guide me forward out of my funk, as per Leah’s instructions.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m in a church, stepping up and out through the arched stain glass window of saints above the altar. I float up through the sky, it’s dark now, an empty galaxy peppered with stars.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Where is Jane-Star? I ask. <i>I am universe!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">(I always thought this was the title of Vasanti’s book.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I see Josephine, my paternal great grandmother. She’s dressed in Victorian high-necked black taffeta, standing outside her ivy encased house in England. She’s holding a smiling, black dog.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I see Robert, my dead brother. Always fleetingly.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My hand reaches out to them.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Leah moves to my feet, her hot hands are magical. I shift my meditation to the earth and plant my toes in peaty, damp soil.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’d been in conversation over the weekend about the strange metaphor of humans as trees. Rooted in one place. Suddenly I’m not a tree I’m a thickening vine, an ivy. A strong trunk twists and pushes my body up towards the cosmos.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A strange unexpected shift follows:</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I am now sitting on a wooden throne, my vine my pedestal.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Josephine hands me the little black dog, I hold her on my lap.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Tapu places the ecclesiastical seal into the palm of my hand, then he removes his purple stole and drapes it around my neck. My neck!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Holy crap! People are looking up to me and giving me rich gifts like some phat maharajah-ess.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I am holy. I am cool. I am not pond carp.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I think of the matau my friend Michael gave me for my 40</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>th</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> birthday. Only wise old sages can wear them. It’s carved by a HB carver my home town (one of many) I feel too unworthy to wear it. Most of the time.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m encouraged to ask for more female guides. Curiously, I see my dead great aunt, a ringleted child in a white pinafore. Betty died tragically, aged 10. I’ve since discovered things about Betty I did not know via Papers Past – an utter Pandora’s box if you know where to look.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">---</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Leah promised she would re-energize me! I saw myself on a pogo stick pogoing up Queen street. I handed over my hundy and skipped out. The Auckland day was grey but backlit with hope. It was not raining. I sat on a bench by the ferry terminal overlooking the harbour and the tall cityscape beyond. Red-eyed seagulls squawked. Strangers talked.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">An old dude with orange dyed white hair hanging under his ears stops beside me as I tap these fragments of memory into my laptop.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">'Want a chat?’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘No!’ I replied promptly (you really own yourself after a sesh with Leah.) ‘Try the next bench, I’m writing down my thoughts.’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Good luck with that!’ he grumbled. His plimsolls were a thin pale blue.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">There was a log floating towards the driftwood hewn beach by the terminal. A mum wouldn’t let her two boys take their shoes off. They stomped away, complaining of her killjoy, keep clean attitude.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>She shouted after them, I saw a dinosaur.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I saw a crocodile.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A grey haired woman in Lululemon walked past, and commented. ‘Good plan.’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m not sure who she was talking to but I replied. ‘It’s going well.’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Leah said, be open. The more open you are the more you will receive.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Believe me, I’m open for anything. Anhedonia be gone.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">*The AWW article, by Brit journalist Tanith Carey was first pubbed by the Daily Mail online, Sept 21. It’s led to her penning a self-help book titled, “Feeling ‘Blah’?” out April 23, with the helpful by-line “Why Anhedonia Has Left You Joyless and How to Recapture Life’s High". I won’t be buying the book but I have some plans lined up to save me from flatlining until I meet my pine box. </span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-33175182201093562712022-08-05T16:01:00.024+12:002023-01-24T17:05:53.284+13:00My Bali High: Part Three - 'Forget Meditation, Wellness Seekers, You Need This Oil Slick of an Ayurvedic Massage'<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCaPdVcGkEWgZYfjFG8CUimb6gpHqlPhYfUtITHwgai8mOhPBduPyUa3vbKvx_RKawIWdlkYYzyDfG4CgV4dJCiOvOucqghaZnAoUmuveYQucwrLKgPVEZ_pK1Lb0iHYREVVo_UMc6qHMYLClUmjNv9WxjzJdky4sTIZO0tzc3-eUFB1xE2UB3RCDfEQ/s2048/295499141_453501809754736_980386142068619127_n%20(1).jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCaPdVcGkEWgZYfjFG8CUimb6gpHqlPhYfUtITHwgai8mOhPBduPyUa3vbKvx_RKawIWdlkYYzyDfG4CgV4dJCiOvOucqghaZnAoUmuveYQucwrLKgPVEZ_pK1Lb0iHYREVVo_UMc6qHMYLClUmjNv9WxjzJdky4sTIZO0tzc3-eUFB1xE2UB3RCDfEQ/s320/295499141_453501809754736_980386142068619127_n%20(1).jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">One thing I had my heart set on doing while in Bali, aside from eating Gado Gado in a beach hut while gazing over pearl-white sand at the turquoise Indian Ocean beyond, was to experience some Ayurvedic treatments. I’d heard of a treatment where warm oil is poured continually onto your forehead <i>while you are transported to places you’ve never been before!</i> I was willing to put myself on some plastic sheeting to get me some of that good juju. It cures insomnia.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Ayurveda means – the science of life – in Sanskrit. It’s considered by its people to be the oldest healing science in the world and claims to ensure a long, healthy, happy life by working on the body’s imbalances. Ayurvedic massages combine these 5,000-year-old principles and pressure points. (They were doing this hot oily schizz 5,000 years ago!!) Balance my doshas.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After much research my gf and I found a wellness resort offering holistic ayurvedic treatments, in Ubud. An email exchange began with Amrta Siddhi, they quoted in USD and requested we prepay the full amount with a local bank account or PayPal. Their spare website didn’t have a comments section. We sent our cash hoping they were who they said they were. </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZMW-vZYoL5-rVGTwkFsX8GAN_SWMg_0dNTxW-AgdAT6WmubWHkRI8FU557JTHbkQV50V9GwqKejkWOMkiUKlQoNN8e83ZKaOCK7VUeGIHcKaFnudxBVFKsFPUq0qlFStqqVnY7zBYBpjDhuY1aH6QO5bitnJgSdO1m44aAqieBvX7kh8N_EJqKxmaZA/s2048/296306228_472548330906299_7169302300800606787_n.jpg"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZMW-vZYoL5-rVGTwkFsX8GAN_SWMg_0dNTxW-AgdAT6WmubWHkRI8FU557JTHbkQV50V9GwqKejkWOMkiUKlQoNN8e83ZKaOCK7VUeGIHcKaFnudxBVFKsFPUq0qlFStqqVnY7zBYBpjDhuY1aH6QO5bitnJgSdO1m44aAqieBvX7kh8N_EJqKxmaZA/s320/296306228_472548330906299_7169302300800606787_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Their driveway gave nothing away.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I started with the river of warmed oil on the forehead.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Ketut, my gentle therapist announced that to get the best benefit from Shirodhara you have to have at least three treatments. Let me tell you plainly – once was certainly enough for this Ayurvedic adventure seeker.</p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After a firm face massage, with some intense action around my eye sockets and a good ear tweakage, a weighted eye pad was put in place. All my available senses heightened. Oil glug glugged from tin pot into copper urn and the contraption was slid into position. Without warning a filmy warmth spread over my third-eye-chakra. I started to write the ensuring sensations in my head but told myself to be present. Mindful. I lost count of how many times the oil pot was refilled. The oil varying in temperature was the only indication. My neck and the top of my shoulders were needled with deft knuckles but the main jam was the constant oil baptism. The oil had a pungent odour I couldn’t identify – an earthy, mustardy, catch under your fingernail’s lingering pong.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I willed the 45 minute process to hurry up. The oil was too hot at times and my forehead flamed, while my face flushed red. A thirst crawled in my throat and the back of my head tickled and twitched as oil pooled under my head. Ketut tied my longish hair up with a rubberband. I said nothing about the uncomfortable temperature because that's how I roll when I’m in the hands of an intimate stranger. I lie back and take it.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The folder in reception claims <b>Shirodhara</b> is “an absolute must-try!” and “everybody should at least once experience this unique treatment”. The Kseerabala oil she used is made with a base of sesame oil and milk, a long list of herbs and various amounts of boiling and straining. It’s supposed to “remove mental stress, deeply relax your nervous system and nourish your hair and sense organs”. My hair was certainly nourished, it was an oil slick for days. I washed it afterwards as per Ketut’s instructions. ‘The bottle marked shampoo first before hot water, or it won’t come out’. I woke up the next morning, looking like Neil from the ‘Young Ones’.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Shirodhara </b>was not the Ayurvedic game-changing sleeping pill this insomniac was after. But I achieved my research purposes. I want one of my fictional characters to pay too much for an over promising, painstaking treatment only to detest it to the point of panic attack. Mission accomplished! But I’d love to speak to someone who’s enjoyed it! Anyone?</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">However, this was a two-treatment day! I heard my gf giggle in the next room. Next up, we'd chosen <b>Pizhychil – '</b>Relax and enjoy while warm, medicated oil is continuously poured onto your body and massaged into your skin with well-coordinated rhythmic strokes …’ Oh <b>Pizhychil</b>! I would travel the world and swim many pirate infested seas for you! I have never experienced anything so divinely innocent yet as satisfying sensorially as snoozing on a sunny Sunday afternoon (with a friend), in a massage.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">With my brown cotton Tarzan thong tied low and tucked into place, I dropped my sarong …<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">And so, began my exquisite anointment, on the soles of my feet! Squee. I’m face down on the sloping wooden table, which looks a bit like the rack in the tower of London without the tie up and stretch you bits. My head is wedged into the tissue lined, child-sized face pillow. The table has shallow grooves chiselled along its long, sloping edges, which allow the poured oil to drain down into a bowl beneath the end of table to be re-heated on the handy electric plate plugged into the wall nearby. At times when the oil felt rawther hot, I hoped they did a quick drip-on-the-wrist temperature check before they poured another bowlful over me. Lying on a wooden slab akin to a mortician’s table sounds uncomfortable but remarkably it was not.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqx6pJfnOOoRji3M_4RHxuQjsOC7Y8hGJ810VqxTspWffuxz_Sj0xJLrP7y6PPGZTHJK9zEU8ogapA8bymKVJnmi_dvL9NkpFyXa8dY8c2vE9fCN1PY-aepFw_a5LRxo0P8iNC4WWdxt8G1kGANLndPy06WveVulbosiCxBoJARUqM_XGwZ1WtVT3oTQ/s2048/296549020_602544117926051_7507801564403639827_n.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqx6pJfnOOoRji3M_4RHxuQjsOC7Y8hGJ810VqxTspWffuxz_Sj0xJLrP7y6PPGZTHJK9zEU8ogapA8bymKVJnmi_dvL9NkpFyXa8dY8c2vE9fCN1PY-aepFw_a5LRxo0P8iNC4WWdxt8G1kGANLndPy06WveVulbosiCxBoJARUqM_XGwZ1WtVT3oTQ/s320/296549020_602544117926051_7507801564403639827_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The rack, I mean slab</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Ketut was using a different oil – Sahacharadi. It had a more pleasant scent but again, this Ayurvedic concoction has an impressively long ingredient list of herbs and spices with a base of sesame oil and cow’s milk. (Curious because there is no dairy industry here.) I doubt very much any vegans partaking in this delight know they are being treated with animal unguents.) I tried not to think how many times the oil had, or had not, been recycled. Strained.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After my feet are anointed, the long flap of my Tarzan-thong is drawn out and folded into a neat towel and placed over my, for want of a better word, crack. No doubt to act as a form of butt everything plug. It worked a treat. Next warm oil is swirled over my right buttock, down my thigh and calf and the super relaxing, divine rhythm of the oiliest massage known to womankind commenced proper. I willed it to never stop. Buttock, thigh, calf were followed by lower back. Shoulder. Arms. It’s like sloshing/swimming in the happiest of warm swimming pool/therapeutic oil slick baths imaginable, on the happiest of planets where the daily indulgence of prolonged tactile pleasure is encouraged. Necessary. Vital. Is always on the menu, and like the consumption of coffee and champagne the inhabitants of Planet O never tire of it. In fact, they are the most content mammals with two legs. It’s not til I’m instructed to roll over onto my back that I realised there were two masseuses in the room attending my full-body, Ayurvedic baptism.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I once had a massage in Austria with my Finnish friend Minna, back when I would rather pull my fingernails off than de-robe and have my body touched by a professional. If the masseuse was male that only added to my discomfort. My Austrian masseuse was a small man but still a man. When he instructed me to drop my towel, I felt he took too long checking out my naked back view before I was instructed to lie face down on the bed. In this instance, a rolled towel was placed over my crackola. He kept telling me I was tense and to relax, it was no good my glutes were tensed left and right for the duration of the event. I was convinced he was copping a look down into regions he shouldn’t and wished I could've evaporated.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">So how I got to the point of two women massaging my oiled breasts I do not know. But I had. They did not mention they were going in but I wouldn’t have stopped them such were my off the scale relaxation levels. Oil was poured onto my stomach and soft hands worked in a circular motion over my digestive organs. I was thankful we’d not had lunch (they tell you not to eat or drink anything stimulating three hours prior.) Then zip those hands were circling my ladies, in a steady figure of eight. I might have smiled. I feared I might have also been doing some sort of mini Mexican wave a deux in appreciation. Next, oil was poured over my shoulders and collarbones and pooled in my clavicle. Oh my gracious, oil goddesses of goodness that was next level special! </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If anyone travelling to Bali wants to treat themselves to an out-of-this-world tactile experience, I strongly recommend a jaunt to Ubud, and Amrta Siddhi, you'll be smiling for days! We were.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi91QdkSmgILwXWNldXhXLYBXuIVp2wDEbuBZANaymcZuAFTibTKCU-SFzYl_r0DF2zMLyv7mhyjRXqYqA6lkYAqeIh5MPiwehNfRNkO6zRGkVbpUNfWe9uxnHYlHJGJWZO08Dh_gzDuxTLNACiQ_Tzuh7F-iD1tpAXSVFjigU-7fghVS1PuRW6_jiDqA/s2048/296633363_601622418149533_594866927622840809_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi91QdkSmgILwXWNldXhXLYBXuIVp2wDEbuBZANaymcZuAFTibTKCU-SFzYl_r0DF2zMLyv7mhyjRXqYqA6lkYAqeIh5MPiwehNfRNkO6zRGkVbpUNfWe9uxnHYlHJGJWZO08Dh_gzDuxTLNACiQ_Tzuh7F-iD1tpAXSVFjigU-7fghVS1PuRW6_jiDqA/s320/296633363_601622418149533_594866927622840809_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span><p></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-26534732288175439562022-08-03T13:02:00.013+12:002022-08-05T09:17:02.458+12:00My Bali High, Part Two: Walking in Kuta Lombok With Dogs (a retrospective)<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2bA2PYNb7MbXIsA6iTt8yjBBtIoRSgcOVpnvbR_XwiW7QQYkho42IzwpziYMTPXQA0po8761NLqo1ybldF2D-fwLNletLNKgzfWEcdcykkaJT2X9TL4rSOcHGwnKUch2u5BiCCLNqQGnY1Jj5lhUDPUFvdKRn5gmhPhAhm26VbzML_R2byJtgRPwdRg/s2048/bali%20dog.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2bA2PYNb7MbXIsA6iTt8yjBBtIoRSgcOVpnvbR_XwiW7QQYkho42IzwpziYMTPXQA0po8761NLqo1ybldF2D-fwLNletLNKgzfWEcdcykkaJT2X9TL4rSOcHGwnKUch2u5BiCCLNqQGnY1Jj5lhUDPUFvdKRn5gmhPhAhm26VbzML_R2byJtgRPwdRg/s320/bali%20dog.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After a few days of moving as fast as a tortoise from bed to beach sun lounger on Gili T, my inbuilt walk-o-meter was getting twitchy. Not just to lope along to limber up my limbs but to take a good gander at the new hood, Kuta Lombok. I’m a nosey parker, I like to look around, observe. But everyone in KL travels by scooter, even for short short trips. Quick and convenient, but for me my focus when charging about on my scooby was avoiding dying by-oncoming-white-line-straddling vehicle, not drinking in the surrounding visuals.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It’s a writer’s tic, observing place, people, animals, smells, sounds. I know I crave it. At the recent kid lit Hui, author Mandy Hager referenced ‘paying attention’ in her keynote. And interestingly as she stated, if you are paying attention on one particular thing, say whales or dogs, suddenly all you see are dogs. There are a lot of dogs on the streets and beaches of Lombok*.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">One morning, I announced I was going to walk to the moneychanger, my host was aghast. It’s miles away! She exclaimed as she backed her scooter out of the corral. Scurity advised, it will take you seven minutes. I’d already coffeed at the local French Bakery where my Eat Pray Bali cleanse faltered somewhat as I breakfasted on Nutella croissants and full UHT milk flat whites, instead of acai bowels with fresh mango and coconut shavings, while I typed on my laptop like the cliched white middle-aged lady writer in a café typing on her laptop, that I was (and loving every minute of it.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ticus626b9qo5GFYP2t8RzaU-8SFaUx1UKqV0sR9qLSheSdHeMCFhvTumJOFqQ2sAWE4Y6eGFEzKP3iD8b0A5DgKZVATcVJkpjn6HIevUFYq3FZ30Yd9klydLnitGtbKb2IaYKNTq4BlIwa1xJg7Rp4SckoV29mj2x00T5LBMRqbzLozAaQRAes9kA/s2048/bali%20cafe.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8ticus626b9qo5GFYP2t8RzaU-8SFaUx1UKqV0sR9qLSheSdHeMCFhvTumJOFqQ2sAWE4Y6eGFEzKP3iD8b0A5DgKZVATcVJkpjn6HIevUFYq3FZ30Yd9klydLnitGtbKb2IaYKNTq4BlIwa1xJg7Rp4SckoV29mj2x00T5LBMRqbzLozAaQRAes9kA/s320/bali%20cafe.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It was nine o clock, the sun already hot. I should have taken a hat. And a thick stick.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">With eyes peeled, pearls on, I checked the time, clutched my handbag and set off. Deep pink Bougainvillea spilled over walls and bobbed hello but the narrow lane was empty of humans, except me. Disturbingly, the first mammal I spied was a dead blonde dog in a monsoon drain. I looked swiftly away and did not breath. It seemed a bad omen. Wild dogs roam the streets here in packs. They are probably good guard dogs and for the most part seem well fed from scavenging. Muslims are afraid of dogs. Curiously the population is largely Muslim.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">One of the cool things about the Kuta Lombok township is the way the gated guest homes pop up in front and in between the local Sasak houses and farmyards. I saw a woman on her haunches chucking corn in the shade of a low wooden bungalow, its supports covered in coconuts like gold balloons might at a kitsch wedding. The adjacent field grazed plump chestnut cows and calves flicking at lazy flies. Smiling school aged kids chased chickens or ground their nuts to paste on bikes with ridiculously high seats around dirt yards. One of the uncool things is how leaves and fallen vegetations are swept daily into piles under splendid trees, then set alight. Only any old, single-use plastic packaging ends up on the pyre too and an acrid smoke and a fine ash rains down.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Seven minutes exactly later, I was the only customer at the money changer. He pointed to the rate on a board made with plastic numerals. It could have been last weeks for all I knew. I left with my cross body, Deadly Ponies stuffed with wads of Indo rupiah (approx. 1 million equals 100 NZD.) Funny red money, until it runs out.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLTOwptOo7JHoDlL8Ek3rxClqTUWufMoB-WXIeJpVQBmCwyjtjhqnYSchZ8BkrTsDfKg0381S0CvWQZrpVl06bPrZ9llNZyH3cbRp1pUUjsSICmvYaJQLkzIZK94cnt21lFUXHYhrgfqSWyZ6nd5Z14ZJ1yqflLZwWwO2vdHEv4z9PnBJQi3SOmst81A/s2048/bali%20petunia.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLTOwptOo7JHoDlL8Ek3rxClqTUWufMoB-WXIeJpVQBmCwyjtjhqnYSchZ8BkrTsDfKg0381S0CvWQZrpVl06bPrZ9llNZyH3cbRp1pUUjsSICmvYaJQLkzIZK94cnt21lFUXHYhrgfqSWyZ6nd5Z14ZJ1yqflLZwWwO2vdHEv4z9PnBJQi3SOmst81A/s320/bali%20petunia.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anyone game to describe this fine specimen please do so in the comments!</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I saw:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+A crazy looking flower. A sort of white petunia on a red ginger plant</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+An empty looking backpackers offering build-your-own breakfast plate. The photo of the banana fringed acai bowl on the vinyl hoarding tied to the wall looked healthy, tempting! But the fact the place looked like it had been bereft of customers since 2018 did not.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+I tried to photograph the intricate choreography of two crimson red butterflies but failed.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Soon after, three ash blond dogs strutted out to greet me. A bitch, a boy, a bitch. Short, curved tails in the air, puckered pink brown stars winking. The most threatening of sphincter cyclopes. My heart sunk into my toe sandal, I thought jaysus these dogs mean business. They were at least twice the size of your usual four legged Lombok local. Dogs are territorial, they do things to foreign invaders and walkers are pretty much foreign invaders in these parts. Fuck me I hope they don’t show me who’s head honcho here, and bite. I increased my pace. They increased theirs. I worried for rabies (humans die from rabies.) Errant ticks. The dog intent on sticking to my heels sniffed the tender backs of my knees and growled. I squirmed but kept my cool. I did not know fuck-off in Indonesian and they did not understand my politely feeble English, ‘shoo’. Your cool. I did not look them in the eye or break into a run. I’ve been bitten by a Rottweiler before, I know dog bites.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN8sTAQshguTZCxyLGPFH65_zP8fa_1X1FOibYmcuZuN-V1-CGGEvcVkWPikQw906vdcX_tXjISTEyHqk2MUVcqUJVr1NUW_tt1DXGIP2PemBC0oUkD96G7sZfsy2ps58I2PvWUXx4-aK1mYdEEYCBhGfx-kkvLcI3TniZAHfRP4T8wWYkZRh71IqDQ/s2048/bali%20dog%20arsehold.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsN8sTAQshguTZCxyLGPFH65_zP8fa_1X1FOibYmcuZuN-V1-CGGEvcVkWPikQw906vdcX_tXjISTEyHqk2MUVcqUJVr1NUW_tt1DXGIP2PemBC0oUkD96G7sZfsy2ps58I2PvWUXx4-aK1mYdEEYCBhGfx-kkvLcI3TniZAHfRP4T8wWYkZRh71IqDQ/s320/bali%20dog%20arsehold.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">When a fourth, same-sized but ginger dog, shackles raised, appeared at the next alleyway, I thought shit a brick – dog fight. But my posse kept their calm! So I decided the best way to handle this intense canine situation was to treat my furry outriders as my boss as scurity trio. My heavies. We moved on, the ginge backed off. My trio were certainly in for the long haul, little buggers they can smell a bread-buying-woman a mile off. They followed me all the way to the French bakery turn-off, then they winked and bailed. It wasn’t their turf. They were just escorting me to buy a baguette all along. Sending it. I did not receive a tendon crushing bite around my ankles and need to go to hospital for a rabies shot (not actually available in Bali although rabies is.)<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I turned for home.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>I saw:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+Another kid on a bike (grinding his nuts into a butter)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+Two brothers eating lollies who said hello and didn’t ask for money</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+Two fancy pants cocky-tailed roosters, one white, one green, and their lady hens</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+A grey striped cat on a stone wall with the correct length tail, long</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+Three durian high in a durian tree<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+A kid on a stoop with a black kitten</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">+A pink frangipani tree smelling so sweet</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was back at the Villa Caroline, sweaty but rabies free. Loaded with cash. Ready for a bready breakfast with nut butter, and a trip to the beach with my girl gang on my red scooter.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">*There is an organisation working to improve the lives of Kuta Lombok dogs. They welcome donations for their <a href="https://www.kuta-lombok-dogs.com/" style="background-color: #01ffff;" target="_blank">Sterilisation Programme</a></span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-62168611857781825862022-07-25T14:15:00.003+12:002022-07-25T21:53:50.703+12:00Tropical Islands Await - To Travel or Not To Travel?<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vZPCxF7DvubPYpl62QAsU4CFaWU0l7oDaEBCfjY_bDlDjxW3e-iudooG6zv0jK31rXbPNQfbW_d3ypTGEK0-pV8vBfj8jyUgmba7ESoWRDDXqZ3oDnD8mTNvL60rZYW5hsbGHRhYrK9P0RBXplUnVsfvJN-dyKn_lbnkiK2k3iKxtkHKED-ykCzteg/s959/jane%20pondok%20day%20one.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="638" data-original-width="959" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj7vZPCxF7DvubPYpl62QAsU4CFaWU0l7oDaEBCfjY_bDlDjxW3e-iudooG6zv0jK31rXbPNQfbW_d3ypTGEK0-pV8vBfj8jyUgmba7ESoWRDDXqZ3oDnD8mTNvL60rZYW5hsbGHRhYrK9P0RBXplUnVsfvJN-dyKn_lbnkiK2k3iKxtkHKED-ykCzteg/s320/jane%20pondok%20day%20one.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The dazed author poolside at Pondok Santi, Gili T, day 1</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Heading off solo to Bali trailing a pandemic and post an earlier failed family trip to the tropical isles, did seem slightly nutz in several middle of the night awake periods. After having been on our way to the airport in a green taxi when positive PCR tests times four landed I was already scarred with the failed traveller brush. But some of the redic Indonesian pre-departure tests and insurance requirements had been eased so I thought I’d give it a bash. My gf in her Kuta Lombok villa kept WhatsApping with pictures of frangipani edged back yard pools, tanned ankles and colourful dugouts in sweeping turquoise ocean bays. She was having surf lessons, reflexology massages, drinking coconut water fresh out of its chilled nut. Living the life. While I was licking my homebody wounds and enjoying a bout of three weeks post-Covid flu!</p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I bit the bullet and re-booked, and when I wasn’t worrying about all the things that might go wrong, my flight out of Queenstown being cancelled for instance, and do I have to fill in an Australian traveller declaration if I'm transit-ing? Or is my Peduli Lindungi App loaded correctly? I thought about important, fun, pre going on holiday things – when is the best time to fake tan? Can I wax before I fake tan? Will Yumi-lashes last in tepid sea water? Where are my rubber Berkies? And isn’t it about damn time I bust out my OTT, heavily be-jewelled, silk, leopard-safari-patterned Camilla kaftan (bought from an online recycle store by middle daughter for the pool party launch of my third Lily Max book – Sun! Surf! Action! Back in the summer of 2017.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My doesn’t time fly.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was flying out of Queenstown on a Thursday so naturally, I started packing on Sunday. While I chose a selection of swimwear hurriedly bought at Quicksilver prior to the original trip I had the occasional moment … What if my bag gets left in Melbourne (where I was to swap planes) I should probs put one swim set, one cotton dress, one pair of undies, a toothbrush etc in my carry on. Just in case. Seb-on-Safari had tweeted that Quant-Ass had lost his baggage and done little to rectify the matter. I was flying Qantas into Bali at 10.30pm, making my way to my hotel, overnighting, being up at 7am to be delivered to Pendang Bai for the Fast Boat to Gili T, an hour and half over the oft turbulent Lombok Strait, then three days later, I’d be over another stretch of water on Lombok, with an 1 hour and 45 minutes’ drive from the ferry to my gf’s villa in Kuta. There would be no way in hell my bag would ever catch me up. The short transit times in Melbourne before my connecting flights to Denpasar were already alarming. One hour only, and in a different terminal wtf. I live in the mountains, it's July. We have weather. I started to feel like the 18 year old I once was heading off on my OE to London town. My mum and stepdad drove up from Waipukurau to see me off. All my friends came to the airport to see me off. Even the ones who my unconfident self did not know where my friends. We drank gin with piped tonic in a circle in the airport bar until it was time for me to get on the plane. I cried all the way to Singapore, thinking what the actual af am I doing leaving the land of milk and honey. Who even am I? The elderly couple next to me wolfed down their dinners with complimentary New Zealand whines but they did not offer me a hanky. Nor pat my hand. I was alone and lonely before I’d even arrived and felt the true meaning of those L-words.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Meanwhile, I signed up for SmartTraveller Aus and frequently checked the travel alerts for Bali. I already knew proof of negative PCR tests on arrival had been lifted, as had full Covid insurance covering hospitalisation and evacuation. A completed online customs declaration for Bali was now required (this turned out to be a time saver whee!) I was expecting to be temperature checked on arrival. I prayed I wouldn’t have a poorly timed middle-aged hot flush and be sent to a quarantine hotel. Then SmartTraveller told me quarantining had been lifted and self-isolation only was required if positive. Good news! However, women travelling alone were cautioned to be extra cautious, and especially to not take taxis. Alone. So I was a little alarmed when my arrival hotel informed me they had no spare drivers to pick me up at 11pm. The night before my departure I had enough required paperwork/printed documents to wallpaper a large water closet. I had a few hundy USD to cover my cash-only Visa purchase on arrival. I had my passport with years before expiry date, tickets, travel insurance, hotel address, ferry transfer, ferry ticket. Five long, floaty (but quite old) evening dresses. Pretty leather sandals bought last time I was in Bali four years ago, once worn. My one-only bottle of liquor. My … You name it I had it. Everything but the expectation of a person holding a placard with my name on it at Denpasar airport ...</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">By the following day, my personal pickup was sorted, thanks to my gf. I cannot tell you what a relief it was to find her driver Komang, amongst the masses of male drivers in the sweaty arrival hall. JANE written in faint blue biro on a piece of A4 paper. Hours of no leg room (and I’m 5ft 3), being marooned in a dead end corner of Melbourne airport for half an hour, our only contact to our required terminal a phone-on-the-wall, my Indo Covid App producing a red hazard triangle when scanned, the hour long Visa queue etc all floofed off my memory bank when I was on my way to the Artotel Sanur with a friendly face.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">To anyone thinking of venturing out in the big wide world but too afraid …? If you can, I advise you to get amongst it. The real world does await and once the hoops have been jumped the refresh will do you the world of good.* This was my Eat, Pray without the love journey and once I landed on Gili Trewangan, slightly dazed from the sedative effects of 2 x Sea Legs, I squealed to the second friendly driver holding a placard with my name on it. <i>‘I’m here!’ </i>And from then on, I was as relaxed as a tortoise and made sure I enjoyed every hot minute of it.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My warm welcome had only just begun ...</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9U-eV8HgwUDUmV9x6AmBOc6S_cxyKNW6liAaHebzSlNzTSNlGjMbvlcIEcD7RMR0KwMKtfN5gowxnyYbC17b5Nt8JvDBvnxxr1iK3_8wexDUH_fYzo_fNmCjN0qTSHOzKPLIjI7I2Vok1RmYyGkcuukxRc2owthT_wIrWRDXIK3elSJMZGzz_avkdAg/s960/Welcome%20drink.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9U-eV8HgwUDUmV9x6AmBOc6S_cxyKNW6liAaHebzSlNzTSNlGjMbvlcIEcD7RMR0KwMKtfN5gowxnyYbC17b5Nt8JvDBvnxxr1iK3_8wexDUH_fYzo_fNmCjN0qTSHOzKPLIjI7I2Vok1RmYyGkcuukxRc2owthT_wIrWRDXIK3elSJMZGzz_avkdAg/s320/Welcome%20drink.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">'Welcome Drink' Pondok Santi Estate, Gili T</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">*Just check and double check all travel requirements and complete them before you arrive at the airport. Also, screenshot all the barcodes of all the Apps you fill in, there is never any airport WIFI.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQD1WpOWrMJWNIK2w2Kb2Suacie_wkV8x5TiZcNQNgolc3AwBEKJZmoabODPwqa8Eu5622HTvQrM89d77kgCuOTO6cxNUmX1fXYzwlh_3QUfckb6ORqfU2dAiFInoRPfskjGfgTRezFh4MHYiQbDG0Z4vLu2lROmmEIH0V24hGgYsi58UmrqafAx-ABA/s960/Welcome%20home%20PDS.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQD1WpOWrMJWNIK2w2Kb2Suacie_wkV8x5TiZcNQNgolc3AwBEKJZmoabODPwqa8Eu5622HTvQrM89d77kgCuOTO6cxNUmX1fXYzwlh_3QUfckb6ORqfU2dAiFInoRPfskjGfgTRezFh4MHYiQbDG0Z4vLu2lROmmEIH0V24hGgYsi58UmrqafAx-ABA/s320/Welcome%20home%20PDS.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.pondoksanti.com/?gclid=Cj0KCQjw2_OWBhDqARIsAAUNTTFjff5R7jwD25uy4WJjei0ku7a0IOpyqRXBLHvx2X6suaS0NrL4atUaAtEFEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds" target="_blank">All about Pondok Santi Estate</a></div><p></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-50362970583831190522022-05-25T15:03:00.003+12:002022-05-25T15:07:18.919+12:00A Reversal of Freedoms - Riding Side-Saddle<p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1kBYViofdZBYiwWeLQ5W5kbw1RsxB9TC4ISgO23--i77tG6JpF8lNkvC1NFNbIhk4Pgub4RovmEJ9AZx0bOj1UhvjXySGZ96BbLITiqXQz2lp5hJ6iWN0Uta1P1F8Vrz50Emw73XmHg8LyVQ_UTh63o8N-oKPN_ELBME1RS1dvMgkw_m1iYUcslOHmQ/s2048/jane%20nobby%20riding%20side%20s.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1kBYViofdZBYiwWeLQ5W5kbw1RsxB9TC4ISgO23--i77tG6JpF8lNkvC1NFNbIhk4Pgub4RovmEJ9AZx0bOj1UhvjXySGZ96BbLITiqXQz2lp5hJ6iWN0Uta1P1F8Vrz50Emw73XmHg8LyVQ_UTh63o8N-oKPN_ELBME1RS1dvMgkw_m1iYUcslOHmQ/w400-h300/jane%20nobby%20riding%20side%20s.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Nobby, show name Majestic - my first love</td></tr></tbody></table><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My latest children’s novel (just out on submission!) is neo-Victorian and involves the riding of horses to get places. It’s been a lot of fun drawing on my riding past to write of the reversal of freedoms. My MC, Petulia Picklewhip must ditch her side-saddle and learn to ride astride in order to take part in a perilous, mountain journey. At the same age, 12, I did the opposite and ditched my astride saddle to learn to ride in the curious position of sitting sideways on a horse.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">This pic is me in 1976 at our farm in Takapau. I’m not looking too happy. The Victorian riding habit, top hat and veil (adding to my scowl) I’m wearing plus the side saddle was due back at the museum so Mum had just dragged me off my Sunday bed, no doubt reading Black Beauty or similar, to take this spiffing photo. The habit’s waist measured a too slim 17 inches and the whale-boning cinching my ribcage pinched like a witch. </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzKvljqR3NAtZdNJ3dkhUyVL2dpfnk9ztZe7S9gLD_EjtYi3AK2nOjTK1LGHjk8jD_Mt33dblny7hE-D6Ja--GJSzfPkbhfRmxic7sDH_pxHz4tZz0i9Fgyu9BxJSmgEL6VZN5hDzbEtpE4nMUm7aAo6dS79ecW8xad44sBKwPoXX8flgcJscfwRDNKA/s2048/Jane%20nobby%20side%20s%20scowl.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzKvljqR3NAtZdNJ3dkhUyVL2dpfnk9ztZe7S9gLD_EjtYi3AK2nOjTK1LGHjk8jD_Mt33dblny7hE-D6Ja--GJSzfPkbhfRmxic7sDH_pxHz4tZz0i9Fgyu9BxJSmgEL6VZN5hDzbEtpE4nMUm7aAo6dS79ecW8xad44sBKwPoXX8flgcJscfwRDNKA/w400-h300/Jane%20nobby%20side%20s%20scowl.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My mum said my only word from 12 - 13 was NO.</td></tr></tbody></table><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The Takapau Centennial had just been celebrated. It was a huge community affair with every club, school, and business preparing for months to give our little farming town in the middle of the windswept Takapau plains a big pat on the back for surviving. For our part, the <i>Central Hawkes Bay Pony Club</i> challenged several of their young riders to learn to ride side-saddle for the town parade. What seemed incredibly ridiculous and old fashioned at the start was actually good fun once you got the hang of it. And whereas in Victorian times, young ladies got to the point of abhorring this restrictive form of riding, for myself, along with my gymkhana Jill buddies it offered a certain freedom to learn a fashion so ridiculous, yet to us, new.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">In early Europe, it was deemed unladylike for a woman to straddle a horse. Apparently, “it was initially conceived as a way to protect the hymen of aristocratic girls, and thus their appearance of being virgins.” Hmmmm no doubt on long overland trips to arranged marriages to chinless suitors sitting on pots of gold. But good god almighty did anyone check? I guess one advantage was that it was a way to wear a flouncy skirted long dress on a horse and not get it entirely grubby. A few rad femmes in history rode astride, Marie Antoinette and Catherine the Great of Russia, for starters.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My riding buddies and I learned to canter, gallop and jump sparred fences, all the things we did together over the rolling hills of our respective sheep farms of a weekend. The key is keeping your shoulders perfectly square. However, constantly reminding yourself to keep your right shoulder back does not initially feel natural when you’re perched sideways on a hard hoofed animal. Thankfully you hook your top right knee over the saddle horn, and your left leg goes underneath with your foot in the stirrup. You carry a riding crop in your right hand and use that in place of your missing right leg against the horse’s flank, should you need it. The riding skirt I’m wearing was an odd shape, but with your knee in the angled knee-thingy and once sat on your horse it draped nicely.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I bought my first horse at forty-six after a very long break from riding and I can attest that my young riding self was totally gung-ho compared to my middle-aged one. Even perched in that somewhat precarious position, I don’t think fear came into it, back then. If I fell off in the early stages of learning to ride side-saddle, I cannot remember. On the day of the centennial parade, I was paired up with a red-coated, white breeched, shiny black booted <i>gentleman</i>. He was actually an older boy, the fifteen-year-old brother of a friend from pony club, and he was none too pleased to be teamed up with twelve-year-old me. Or maybe he was mad my chestnut pony did not pair well with his big-bottomed bay. Anyhoo, he took on a superior air the whole time, said absolutely zero and skedaddled as soon as we completed a couple of rounds of the town’s main road.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Clearly, he had not watched the 1976 equivalent of Bridgerton. In a frightfully scandalous scene in the latest series, Kate Sharma (the cloaked woman) is seen riding a horse through the woods, in the early morning. Alone. Astride. Only to be chased by the aghast, tortured eldest eligible son, Anthony Bridgerton. We witness a Victorian meet-cute of what turns out to be an almost unrequited (until the final ep) love interest. Fetch my smelling salts. Anthony’s breeches shrink as wild woman Kate gallops away and he cannot catch up. To add insult to injury he must watch her effortlessly jump over a hedge and disappear into the damp English countryside.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHgRKo5Tm5-W1v_kLKAjZao_UWGKDYcrWADlvIHrU5a9ajmqgnJ3JESSeE2X5_VgT9BuaI52H89ymwytj7LcM2tk012dvD8fcReLwYctMgV1exDIIhKR4lBJ4Kb7bRptIdMnCm10g_5U1qV3pNdwRODv8-PSsoBB2BVb6f0fiN7kA6jY5UyNCJFkDBQ/s2048/side%20saddle%20show.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvHgRKo5Tm5-W1v_kLKAjZao_UWGKDYcrWADlvIHrU5a9ajmqgnJ3JESSeE2X5_VgT9BuaI52H89ymwytj7LcM2tk012dvD8fcReLwYctMgV1exDIIhKR4lBJ4Kb7bRptIdMnCm10g_5U1qV3pNdwRODv8-PSsoBB2BVb6f0fiN7kA6jY5UyNCJFkDBQ/w400-h300/side%20saddle%20show.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Most excellent grainy shot of the author and Margot</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Our pony club instructor must have been impressed with our progress as after the centennial we put a team of four riders together for the Waipukurau A & P Show’s much-coveted, team event. We came second! Whether the novelty of four young riders perched on over one-hundred-year-old side-saddles, wearing restrictive habits had something to do with it, I do not know.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px;">Once the gear was returned the freedom of riding astride saddle, or bareback resumed. </span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px;">Meanwhile, back in book land, does young Petulia reach her final destination … well hopefully one day we’ll find out. In paperback.</span> </p><p>Jane x</p><p><br /></p><p><br /><br /></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-62616786347558257382021-12-17T18:10:00.001+13:002021-12-17T18:10:32.524+13:00What Really Happened at the Crystal Healers<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi8rSX_A2mtoOPYC5OcXCxSjt4s2CB4N-Vywy_U6UdFzBjSKux3720cSqr6Nko6FQ3BYOAQdz8bHEs2-CEYwDxzRnNElDrqG8PinPyQqV6xiT91nxx_NPqyg5edTAbzRDTF6_VBWa8ILF925JRF6DQ2rV9JImyHn9EIkRZmDY6krzlf6b1H7bCop4NrUQ=s696" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="465" data-original-width="696" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEi8rSX_A2mtoOPYC5OcXCxSjt4s2CB4N-Vywy_U6UdFzBjSKux3720cSqr6Nko6FQ3BYOAQdz8bHEs2-CEYwDxzRnNElDrqG8PinPyQqV6xiT91nxx_NPqyg5edTAbzRDTF6_VBWa8ILF925JRF6DQ2rV9JImyHn9EIkRZmDY6krzlf6b1H7bCop4NrUQ=w320-h214" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><b style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>“People say you don’t find witchcraft, witchcraft finds you.” Terry Pratchett</b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;">Hasn’t 2021 been an awesome year! Chur! I’ve achieved very little. And I’ve achieved a lot. I wrote over 91,000 fictional words/2 books. I cast a lot of spells, and I carried my crystals down to the river. I tried my hardest to learn to meditate. I welcomed long-gone children back home. My empty nest and my heart filleth with love. I baked no sourdough. I did pick eleventy trillion peonies and plant the equivalent in Snapdragons. And earlier this year I plucked up the courage to get in touch with my chakras. I have told no lies in the following recount of:<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></p><h1 style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px; text-align: center;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘What Really Happened at the Crystal Healers’</b></span></h1><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m not really in tune with my four chakras I told Pandora (while dying to ask her if her mother had really named her Pandora Patchouli!) There are seven chakras Pandora informed me. Then she rattled off their Sanskrit names and pointed to each chakra point in her body, from crown chakra to root chakra. Reminding me of an air hostess, double handed-ly, pointing out the exits. Inwards.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Prostrate on Pandora’s ‘work table’</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> my feet anchored on what looked like a lump of obsidian</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> I felt as relaxed as a sleeping cat. I nary twitched. A loose weave cotton blanket was placed over me and then the contents of multiple crystal mines, by the feel. No, not really. The only heavy crystal was over my solar-plexus-chakra. I did wonder if this lump of quartz on my stomach added to its gurgles. These turned into a waterfall soon after Pandora felt <i>strong vibrations</i> and <i>a sense of deep sadness</i> within me. I’m going to draw out the negative energy, she said, and started this incredible breathing. She had an impossibly long out-breath. I opened my eyes. Pandora’s were closed. Her hands were sweeping over my body in short and long ushering movements. During the course of the session, she held my feet and firmly patted my left thigh and my left hip. It felt intimate. But it was when she had her hands cradling my head that it all started pouring out. That sadness. I was asked to call my <i>guides</i> when I’d breathed myself up and out of my crown chakra into outer outer space. I tried and tried. I longed to meet them. Who are you I implored? But it was just me floating up there in an infinite void of black.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Then I started to see things. Conjure up memories. I saw myself as a happy child in my great-grandmother’s walled garden</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> high on Napier hill above the grey-green Pacific ocean. I was six. My dress was flowery. Homemade. My hair surfer blonde and pixie-chopped. I saw my dead brother. Then he disappeared. Pandora told me it was my time to receive love. I smelt my great grandmother’s shortbread and the leaky gas in her dark kitchen. As a child, love is unconditional. No one knows the person you’ll become in adulthood. The time when every human starts to feel unloved in varying degrees. Questions love given. I am loved</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> I reminded myself. Tears streamed from my eyes</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">.</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> They ran through Pandora’s fingertips down into my ears. She did not dry them. My body was as still as an actor playing freshly dead in a movie. All the same. I shook inside and swallowed back the salty tears now in my mouth. Curiously when Pandora’s hands released my head, my heart instantly ached something wicked. An axe could have been stuck in it. Holy healing powers, was I having a heart attack? I felt for the crystals on my heart chakra, they were two, and small.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">When I sat up at the end of the session, I was exhausted, drained. I asked, Who <i>are</i> my guides? (You have one male and one female.) Well, I met my dude. But my female remains elusive. I often end up in the ocean looking for her so I’m guessing she’s one tough as, don’t mess with me mermaid.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Pandora told me to be kind to myself for the next 72 hours. Drink lots of water. Don’t interact with arseholes. Your sleep may be disrupted for the next two nights. You’ll have one good sleep. And one disrupted sleep. The world might seem brighter. One hundred percent hi-res. I walked outside expecting to be hit by asteroids but wasn’t. I sat down at the wharf and wrote six pages of nothing much in my journal. I tried to surreptitiously take a photo of an unkempt couple with a scruffy dog in a pram. The lady saw me and told me to <i>fuck off</i> with a vengeful grimace. Arsehole, I mouthed back. That evening I took the ferry to a friend’s book launch in Ponsonby. The women’s book shop was packed and glowing with the joy of a new publication. Author and friends went to dinner afterwards. At one point, I regaled details of my crystal healing experience. And laughed on the inside as their eyes glazed over at my spiritual levitations.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The next morning, I was a ball of energy. My chakras were on fire. Especially my sacral c. Good lord, Pandora did not warn me that I’d be boasting in the comments section. I decided I’d fit in some fitness before werk. I jogged to the nearest park. Yes, I jogged. A track zigzagged through trees around the park’s periphery. It was one of those city parks with fitness stations. I participated in every single one of them. There were ten dotted along the circuit. I even threw in my own versions of outdoor gym work. I was bouncing. A set of lunges. Sets of triceps dips on a park bench. I even planked for one minute on a patch of grass partially behind a shrub. (I timed myself on my phone’s stopwatch.) When I got home, I flipped out my yoga mat and did four sets of four: roll downs, plank, press-ups, downward dogs, roll-ups. Four. Sets.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The next day I could barely move. My obliques ached. My hamstrings snapped. My abs would not laugh. What a div. I meditated at lunchtime. The sun shone onto my flowery duvet and me. I breathed my way up through my third eye, through my crown, way up through the sky, and into that black space. I saw my grandfather again. He wore his vicar attire. White dog collar, robes. He smiled his thin-lipped smile. He died when I was six. I did not know him well. But I got the feeling he’d hung around.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m not a religious person but I do believe in some sort of spirit world. I have a growing collection of crystals. I leave them on the window sill, in the full moon. I take them down to the river to bathe. I meditate (but mostly fall asleep.) Anything, that gets you through.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Merry Christmas, friends! Love & light in 2022</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 20px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Jane x</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-27448749185748884672021-11-08T14:27:00.007+13:002021-11-22T17:47:52.110+13:00The Witches In the Willows<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhven_26MfTpgFzIAGzT0txeshSJsiSuq6txqL9v00z4Od2j7OFrBrQPupEB5v88AdhJAUAfbA8Rd_NppZON7M32NUPDuSBLHX1AVwRxsIt3p3dTRAmnktBYaxCniVxL5T0VdU2eHwkOLxi/s960/The+Waymouths.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhven_26MfTpgFzIAGzT0txeshSJsiSuq6txqL9v00z4Od2j7OFrBrQPupEB5v88AdhJAUAfbA8Rd_NppZON7M32NUPDuSBLHX1AVwRxsIt3p3dTRAmnktBYaxCniVxL5T0VdU2eHwkOLxi/w400-h300/The+Waymouths.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Family of Witches<br />(Close relations of mine)</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px; text-align: center; text-indent: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i><br /></i></b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px; text-align: center; text-indent: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b><i>The Beginning Before</i></b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><u>(A prologue-in-progress)</u></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It was love at first sight when Petulia Picklewhip’s parents, Pablo and Sophia-Paloma spied each other across the lawn. The Priory’s feted <i>Cauldron Casserole Fiesta</i> was boiling at full bubble. The day was brilliantly sunny. But as soon as the couple ogled each other, lightning flashed, tree tips fizzed and a shower of warm rain sprinkled down. A purple rainbow even appeared, in a perfect arch over the experimental topiary garden.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Pablo was a well-known wizard of twenty-five years.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Sophia-Paloma was a well-known witch of twenty-one.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">That afternoon, Motherwitch McMinty won <i>‘Best Potion’</i> for the 500</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 11.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>th</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> year in a row, with her <i>Bewitching Belladonna Youthful Forever Formula</i>. Meanwhile, Pablo and Sophia-Paloma were concocting a spell to make the cherry tree they were sitting under in the Bonsai garden, burst into blossom. Pink, papery petals soon unfolded and they discovered their lifelong ambitions were the same! They both wanted to make <i>good</i> witchcraft. The world as they knew it was becoming increasingly filled with untidy, land grabbing witches. Forests were being cut down willy nilly. Crystal lakes were being polluted. Witch-castle prices were through the turrets! False nonsense by the way of misinforwitchmation was being spread across the land.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">While the couple chatted, Pablo studied Sophia-Paloma’s features. Her long hair was as shiny and as black as a raven’s. Her eyes were the softest silver-grey. Her skin the softest ivory. Her high-necked, black taffeta gown was <i>extremely</i> flattering. And she smelt fantastic. She was wearing the latest and most hypnotic witch-fragrance on the market – <i>Poisonne</i> by Cauldron Klein.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">At the same time, Sophia-Paloma studied Pablo. She admired his dark hair, slicked back into a wizard-bun. His smiling moustache waxed into two, upturned tips. His ruby red lips, which revealed a mouthful of pearly-white, slightly pointy teeth, when he talked. (Pablo had a slight lisp, <i>witch</i> she also thought cute.) His eyes were as green as green glass bottles. Pablo wore a snappy black suit and a white shirt with a very stiff collar. His boots were black lace-ups with sharp pointy toes. In fact, everything about Pablo was sharp! Especially his wit. That was razor-sharp!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The priory bell rang. It was time for supper – share plates of meaty cauldron-casseroles.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Pablo fashioned a ring from a piece of gold thread and the skull of a blackbird that he found in his pocket. He slipped it on Sophia-Paloma’s ring finger. ‘Will you be my best-witch-wife?’<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A smile crept over Sophia-Paloma’s face, and the apples of her cheeks turned a rosy blush. ‘If you will be my best-wizard-husband?’ she replied.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They held hands and said together, ‘I will!’ While unicorns pooed glitter in a far-off unicornverse.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘We’ll live a long happy life together casting make-better spells on all the wicked people,’ beamed Sophia. (She’d recently won Kindest-Eco-Witch-of-the-Year.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘And we’ll have a happy family with lots of little witches and wizards running about,’ said Pablo. (He was an only wizard-child and had longed for siblings to turn into moths.)</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Then they kissed, a very polite but very electric witch-kiss. The sky went dark. Cloud-sized, golden fireworks crackled and fluttered out of the sky. Hand in hand, they ran back to the crowd to share their magical news.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They had set a date for their wedding. It would take place in exactly one year’s time. On exactly the same day. The sixth day of the sixth month, June 1866.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Sophia-Paloma already knew their first child would be a girl, and they would name her Petulia Paloma.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Unfortunately, Motherwitch McMinty knew too …</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Baskerville; font-size: 17px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>PLEASE NOTE: This work of fiction (like all writing) is protected by copyright. This simply means do not copy it in any shape or form. If you do your hair will fall out! Or you may turn into a mouse. You have been warned.</b></span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-81780769644484253382021-11-04T12:57:00.006+13:002021-11-10T07:46:08.642+13:00Always Back a Kiwi Horse - Melbourne Cup 2021<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOcLMUTfwu76qEmNmDdkamyvJoD8dt0mutCV9J5KzBWVY4uUvE3qlkOmFRspfuspL3QeOzmDJSh5ezQWtl0YRNGVSr580zVsiCK3p9cx0M0FmVN-Whk3f44kXly8OOBM9nAsNxobBjNaou/s840/melbourne-cup-melbourne-cup-2017-horses.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="685" data-original-width="840" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOcLMUTfwu76qEmNmDdkamyvJoD8dt0mutCV9J5KzBWVY4uUvE3qlkOmFRspfuspL3QeOzmDJSh5ezQWtl0YRNGVSr580zVsiCK3p9cx0M0FmVN-Whk3f44kXly8OOBM9nAsNxobBjNaou/s320/melbourne-cup-melbourne-cup-2017-horses.png" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; text-align: left;">The last time I thought I’d take a flutter on the Melbourne Cup my daughters were in primary school and my son kindergarten. At around about 3.15pm on a warm November afternoon, I determinedly dragged them into the first TAB pub I found in downtown Queenstown. With my sweet blond boy child on the hip and girls holding my skirts, I scanned the crowd sinking jugs at leaners, pencil stubs poised over racing books, and instantly realised they were not my people, and left.</span></div><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px; text-align: justify;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My grandad on my mum’s side, Buster, was a keen Hawkes Bay racegoer. I still have his racing binoculars in their handy leather case. A wedding present from my gran, which cost a cool sixty pounds way back a long time ago. Like Buster, I’ve often enjoyed a flutter on race day. Two bucks each way on a fine steed named Lady Jaynee or Sir (insert bf name) and I was as happy as a filly.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">But on Monday, I went all out. Under the current feeling of doom pervading every New Zealander, I felt a glow of optimism. Something good was about to fall from the heavens. On me! I’d been sniffing around on Twitter. I had the hot tip. A kiwi horse from Rotorua. Owned and trained by a smooth looking dude with a moustache and a beige hat. The father of great crime writer <a href="https://www.newsroom.co.nz/readingroom/melbourne-cup-tip-kiwi-authors-dads-horse" style="background-color: #9fc5e8;" target="_blank">JP Pomare</a>. The horse was my favourite horse colour – chesnut. It even had a cool name - Ocean Billy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I told The H and Lily. Hey, I’ve got a hot tip on the Melbourne Cup. Before I couldn’t even name drop OB I was told he’d been on the nooz the night before. Everyone already knew. Lily said, get in quick. She should know the system. She dated a bookie in Sydney who handsomely substituted his student allowance working the big meets.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I didn’t even have to walk over the sticky carpet at the Pig & Whistle, I could bet online! All I needed was a TAB account. 500 hours later this Boomer managed to make one. It didn’t take much, my mother’s maiden name, ID facial verification, microchip in my forehead, my right forearm, 5000 passwords, 50 pin numbers, and I was in. Only I’d locked myself out and had to reset. And re-enter my credit card details 50,000 times. You have to be in credit to bet, you see. When I finally selected my bet amount and hit pay, another warning triangle flashed at me. Good god almighty, I was a loser before I’d even lost. The winning stake on Ocean Billy had already dropped from $51 for a win, to $41. I gambled anyway.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Tuesday 2</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 10px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>nd</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> November 2021, as fellow Melbourne Cuppettes sloshed on their fake tan, Showpo Dresses, Kmart hats and started preparing to get totally shit-faced at a Covid free venue by commencing pre-drinking, I received an email from my new best friend the TAB. Informing me of ‘The Shark’s Top Four’. There set out under four, easy to follow punter headlines. BEST. NEXT. VALUE. ROUGHIE. Horses and jockeys were listed and their stakes. I should note at this point I was HIGHLY alarmed not to see mention of my sure-bet-baby Ocean Billy. However, VALUE (with a Silverfern) caught my eye Verry Ellegant paying a decent $17. Well, I scratched my fascinator and logged into my account. Thanks to the handy feature on Chrome – save password. I hovered. I dithered. I thought no, I’m addicted to a lot of things but I’d already spent more than I ever had on a horse in the hope I’d reap the returns which would be more than what I’ve earned from my writing this year. $4,400 to put you in the picture. It was tough, but I drew the line I would not put $10 bucks each way on the sexy Kiwi mare very, Verry Elleegant. More fool me.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">At 5pm I turned on TVOne. We all watched the race. I’d chilled champagne to celebrate my winnings. What a dick. My horse lost. No, I wasn’t the punter who put a heady $27,000 on the nose of Ocean Billy. While the totalizer quivered at the thought of paying out close to one million buckeroos. Nevertheless, I felt a huge disappointment and a certain shame as I turned off the telly and took the dog for a walk by the river.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Moreover, I didn’t even realise until the next day that sweet, three-white socked Ocean Billy game 23</span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 10px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>rd.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> Dead last! If I’d pressed ‘place bet’ on the clear winner Verry Elleegant I would have covered my foolish gamble and taken home a hundy.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Kiwi jockey, James McDonald rode an extremely elegant race. He pulled the dark bay mare out from the pack at the 500m mark and bolted down the field to win by a whopping three and a half lengths. The pairs’ first Melbourne Cup win. Woohoo</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 18px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 15px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">But that’s gambling for you. I guess I’ll have a flutter nek year. Unless I lose my password.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-7113007989312363782021-08-13T13:07:00.004+12:002021-11-10T07:47:34.177+13:00How Do You Take Your Coffee?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VPZy8YT_Jfk/YRXFfYhKbEI/AAAAAAAADtA/eMsr9hgxARQU9CJQU3wE_obUxo-A4lzmgCLcBGAsYHQ/s2048/church%2527sbrogues.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="2048" height="225" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VPZy8YT_Jfk/YRXFfYhKbEI/AAAAAAAADtA/eMsr9hgxARQU9CJQU3wE_obUxo-A4lzmgCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/church%2527sbrogues.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px;">Even when my dad’s Alzheimer’s was progressing like a boss, he continued to prepare a breakfast tray for his ‘wife’ and deliver it to her in bed, each morning around eight. I put wife in inverted commas because they never actually got married but they referred to each other in the correct spousal terms. This was my dad’s third wife. All three had sing-song, three-syllabled names ending in a cheerful ee. My mum was the first wife. And the best. Felicity.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The breakfast tray continued as did many daily habits, but it was always going to be a tricky game of remember-what’s-on-the-tray. In time, the boiled egg came without a spoon. Or with the spoon came and without the egg. Only the egg cup. As far as I know, the egg was always cooked. But one thing remained a stalwart, the mini Bodum of coffee, freshly brewed, piping hot.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Everyone loves their morning cuppa, eh? The H was reading an article out to me the other day. “The Top Reasons For Divorce”. The info was drawn from a bunch of divorce lawyers. Where are you reading that?! I asked (and why, more to the point.) One dude’s reason for divorcing his wife was that she asked him each morning how he took his coffee. For a long, no doubt crap-morning-cuppa-filled, seven years. I know there’s a minefield of milks around these days but it can’t be that hard. Bovine. Almond. Oat. Soy. Coconut. Rice. Macadamia. Warmed. A splash. Half and half. Black.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">One time, I went to look after dad while his ‘wife’ (we’ll call her Verity) went away for a well-earned holiday. Dad still prepared her elaborate breakfast tray by 8 am. Each morning as I appeared in their sunny kitchen, Dad looked at me with curious eyes, as though freshly arrived. Verity’s away I reminded him. I’m here looking after you, Dad.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Oh yes, so you are, he’d say.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">After breakfast, I go with him on his first walk of the day. We’d ambled east along the Pohutukawa-edged clifftop with the sea green-blue and glistening in the background. Then inland passed houses and back home via Penguin Place. Dad’s cat came with us. We walked as slowly as a three-legged tortoise. Stopping to listen to Tuis or if a car approached to herd SmudgeBum the cat into the safety of the gutter until it had passed. Miraculously that cat was never run over.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">But not long after my stay, dad fell off the cliff in front of his house. How he didn’t die instantly is a miracle. He was throwing over some leaf litter he’d collected. Being a gardener from way back there were probably a couple of weeds in his clutch too. He managed to slip down a wide clay crack, between tree roots and land on a rock ledge above the tide. He knocked himself unconscious, didn’t remember a thing, and never once complained of the pain of his injuries. He dragged the local volunteer fire brigade from their dinner, won a ride in a Westpac rescue helicopter, and had his escapade noted in the New Zealand Herald. He also won a seven week stay in North Shore hospital's geriatric ward. And a one-way ticket to a rest home.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I ate expensive deli sandwiches with dad in the ward’s day room, telling him we were in a café. Are we the only table? he’d asked. Fraught family meetings were held in that room when deciding on Dad’s next move, once his ribs, neck vertebra, concussion, and lacerations had healed sufficiently. At the first meeting, I suggested he and Verity move into a villa in an aged care residential whatnot, so they could stay living together. That went down like a tonne of ammonium nitrate under the sky tower. He had become a liability. Verity could no longer cope. No extra carers had ever been employed to take the load off. Most of his wanderings off up to the village to check the post box at the store several times a day were safe. Until they weren’t. He was a familiar sight. His white hair, browning above his ears because he refused to shower. His corduroys smelling of urine and losing their pile around his fly because of it. Try telling any old dude he needs Poise-for-boys or adult diapers then ensure he wears them. It’s a fragile line between dignity and loss of freedoms. Independence.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The hospital aged care facilitator did some basic life-skills-test with dad in that room. What the fuck they were supposed to achieve I do not know. <i>Dexterity: 8/10.</i> Dad’s results basically dictated that he’d never set foot in his seaside home again. One test was making coffee. Dad failed. The facilitator told me, he put a heaped dessert spoonful of coffee into the mug! She scoffed as though he was clearly deranged. I told her right back, that’s because he and Verity don’t drink instant coffee. He thought he was making real coffee, with fresh grounds. In a mini Bodum. He just got the vessel mixed up. She was not impressed. Her Moccona clearly had lost its Mmmmm.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Dad was always a creature of habit. In his working life in London, he wore Church’s brown brogues. He had two pairs which he wore on alternate days. I was never quite sure why he didn’t just wear one pair out and then buy a new pair. It’s like driving a car way below the empty mark to save petrol. Many of his shoe rituals probably started when he was a naval officer in New Zealand. One of the most vivid memories of my childhood was dad sitting on the edge of the parental bed tugging on his long white naval socks. Firstly, he would pepper in between his toes with athlete’s foot powder. Next, came these white, inside-out sock snakes. He would peel them on over his feet and up his calves. Tanned despite the sock-wearing. A thick rubber band, hidden by a wide turndown, held the socks in place just under the knee. The shoes were white also. Sort of white-washed leather. Strange that my father wore white shoes without realising their possible nuances; he was a major homophobe. At the same age, my future husband’s mother was warning him to never trust men in white shoes. We grew up with a lot of ignorant schizz in the 70s.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I saw my dad in the nude once. I was both mortified and impressed by the size of his (what I later found out when mum read my sister and me a small green book titled <i>Where Do Babies Come From)</i> was his penis. I think at the time I thought it was some form of mini elephant trunk. A trouser snake. I might have smiled.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Once we were playing tennis in Malaysia, back when my dad had a job at the New Zealand High Commission in Singapore. Dad was a wasp magnet and highly allergic to them. He was getting hassled by a thirsty bunch of vespas. He hopped about the court, waving his tennis racket in defense. I helpfully yelled out, Dad, Dad you look like a fairy! He blew his top. I was hurt and confused, only thinking that what looked like playful antics required a compliment. His outburst probably coincided with the exact time that he was stung. Several times. Right above his eye, which blew up like a prize fighter’s post pummelling. My mother had to administer whiskies and water back in their hotel room. Later the kitchen provided a raw steak to draw out the sting. Not long after that, my parents divorced. It was nothing to do with coffee. Or milk. But another woman. My godmother.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">But that’s another story.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If there is a moral to this tale it would be – learn how to make your partner’s morning brew. Make it with love. Make it good.</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Jane xo</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-65023318240487078372021-07-22T16:14:00.014+12:002021-11-10T07:48:18.917+13:00Let's Talk About SLEEP, Baby! & Calm App<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiadTCDt7mLFu-KQ9FMljvQBagVCWbm9Wse7k5GaUwTSf0mY02HT8UB2y5D37AtJ37VaFsjo3yZoc9IyLsl9xt4G_vqWEhwgTBhLcXZfdNZbl4mp5ixR6XaeZ8pDew5tIOvayp04bSeevFt/s890/sleeping+beauty.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="534" data-original-width="890" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiadTCDt7mLFu-KQ9FMljvQBagVCWbm9Wse7k5GaUwTSf0mY02HT8UB2y5D37AtJ37VaFsjo3yZoc9IyLsl9xt4G_vqWEhwgTBhLcXZfdNZbl4mp5ixR6XaeZ8pDew5tIOvayp04bSeevFt/s320/sleeping+beauty.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">In a desperate quest to get more zzz’ds every night, I recently downloaded Calm. App. It’s been a total gamechanger for this ol sleepless pillow princess. So while I’m on a sleep-buzzed high I’ve reviewed my favourite sleep stories for you.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Let’s start with <b>Harry Styles’ - Dream With Me</b>. Hazz stepped up to voice a story after a heavy-fan-flex requested it during our first introduction to Lockdowns, 500 years ago now. DWM is the most listened to story and crashed the site when it was first released.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I can almost guarantee that as soon as you get horizontal, shut your eyes, don your noise-canceling headphones, and flick on <b>‘Dream With Me’</b> you’ll be seeing Mr. Styles in a Gucci loin cloth flying about the Sistine chapel playing cupid with a heart-bow-and arrow. I was. But honestly, his voice, with a backing track of wet violins and wetter piano is so oozy it can only be described as <i>sexy-whisper</i>!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m proudly a late adopter of most of the tech whizzes of our world. Tik Tok wot? I’ve nary listened to a podcast, nor a talking book but if you haven’t tried listening to a sleep story when you’re all alone and wide awake in the middle of the night; let me convince you in one word why you need it. Harry.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I had to google, “why did harry styles narrate a sleep story”. To grab a quote from the sweet boy of rock and good god almighty up popped 471,000 results in .54 seconds!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Harry said:</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #fb4c76; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>“SLEEP AND MEDITATION ARE A HUGE PART OF MY ROUTINE … FINDING A BALANCE HAS BEEN ENDLESSLY BENEFICIAL TO BOTH MY PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH. IT’S CHANGED MY LIFE! </i></span><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: underline;"><i>I’M SO HAPPY TO BE COLLABORATING WITH CALM AT A TIME WHEN THE WORLD NEEDS ALL THE HEALING IT CAN GET. TREAT PEOPLE WITH KINDNESS.”</i></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Also, every lusty wench and her apartment-bound cavoodle had already written about him. It.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p4" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Georgia; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 21px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The co-CEO of Calm states, “Harry’s mellifluous voice is the perfect tonic to calm a racing mind.”<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p5" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #2b2b2b; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s3" style="color: black; font-kerning: none;">While Elle magazine reported, </span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Turns out Styles' sometimes rhyming, always rhythmic delivery is counterproductive to the REM cycle.” </span><span class="s3" style="color: black; font-kerning: none;">Elle also noted, “Harry is terrible at putting me to sleep”.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">No doubt because every single gal or guy searching for a Tinder date is gonna get quite carried away with Harry’s ‘you’ and ‘me’ narrative. It begins.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Hello I’m Harry Styles”</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">And tonight, I’m going to help you drift off to sleep</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">With some soothing words and calming music</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A sleep story just for you!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">With all the business of your day I know how hard it can be to get to sleep</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">So thank you for choosing this story and ME to help you</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I wish you a wonderful night’s sleep</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">So make yourself comfortable take a deep breath in and then out</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">In and then out … and when you’re ready close your eyes”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Yeah baby they’re closed! I spent 50 bucks on an annual subscription and here I was instantly under the duvet with Harry Styles! He seems to lick his words at the end of every sentence.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Tonight, we’re going to think about (sexy pause) anything you’d <i>like</i>. 😜</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">So first let’s visualize some scenes to see us through the night.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Settle back and clear your mind, where heading somewhere special</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Beyond the world of consciousness to places more celestial.”</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">(watery music interlude)</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’d like you to imagine …”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Well, let’s not go there. He does hold your hand. And snuggle with you on a raft. There's even a log cabin with an open fire. I’m not going to let on about the bearskin rug. You will never tire of my<b> #1 </b>Harry but if he’s not your jam …</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">#2 <b>Cillian Murphy’s</b> gentle Irish brogue will lilt you in an imaginary locomotive across the verdant plains of leprechaun country in the aptly named <b>‘Crossing Ireland by Train’</b>. Not that this travelogue, circumnavigating the Emerald Isles reads clackety clack. Cillian’s dulcet tones are more of a meditation, a literary lullaby. He points out the landscapes that inspired the enchanted world of Narnia in the C S Lewis classic and quotes Wilde, Beckett and Joyce<i>. </i>This is your thinking women’s bedtime story. A mattress masterclass of sorts through an enchanted green, green land. By the end, you won’t give Peaky Blinders a thought nor see that rude Thomas Shelby haircut again. All hale, Kill-ian. I’ve never been to Ireland. But I feel I want to now. This story can only be described as a polite invitation.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">#3 <b>Matthew McConaughey</b> pants his way like a lanky rhinestone cowboy through <b>‘Wonder’. </b>To claim this is a “story about the mystery of the universe” is a bit of a push. With all these narrations, it’s all about the voice, not the content. While Matthew gets all hippy trippy about the infinite magnitude of the <i>cose-mose</i>, I find my subconscious drifts happily towards come-a-tose. There is probably a smirk on my face as I imagine Matthew chewing a piece of grass in his Wranglers beside the campfire. He’s just polished his cowboy boots, fed me beans with a spoon, and is reading to me as I lie exhausted after a day rustling wild horses on the range.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“Well, hello there I’m Matthew Mac-Con-nay-hay and tonight I’ll be reading a special sleep story called Wun-derrr. Before we begin, as you settle in under the covers with your head eeeeasing into the pillow and your body eeeeasing into the mattress I’d like you to let your mind drift with me…”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I should point out that it is a rare thing to find yourself awake on the conclusion of these readings. Like the child you once were, you will happily listen to them over and over. And never tire of their repetition.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">#4 <b>Idris Elba </b>reads<b> ‘Kingdom of the Sky’</b> a ‘trek across the mountains of Lesotho.’ If you know nothing about this “tiny jewell of a country, nestled in the breathtaking mountains of southern Africa” you might learn a few facts. However, alas, you will also find yourself seeing Idris (Idd-riss) as a middle school geography teacher, not the next James Bond. This is a wholesome Sunday night story of the geographical kind, for all ages.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If you’re not single or middle-aged, or for some strange reason you don’t feel comfortable nestling into your feather topper and deep breathing with a male movie star, there are alternatives.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I have enjoyed <b>‘Dr Doolittle’ with Stephen Lyons</b>. Stephen’s lively yet calming voice is bound to make you feel like a contented child being read to by a loving grandparent while under a lavender-scented eiderdown.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Former Great British Bake Off judge, <b>Dame Mary Berry </b>reads<b> ‘A Very Proper Tea Party’</b>. This very proper story makes Jane Austen read like a bodice ripper. I’m still alarmed that the host made herself a pot of Darjeeling and enjoyed a cup in the window seat before her guest arrived. WTH?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>‘Sienna the Sleep Sloth’ </b>with<b> David Walliams</b> just gave me creepy <i>Little Britain</i> vibes. For some reason, DW’s voice (which is either on fast-forward x 2, or he’s on diet pills) made me envisage a grown man with five o’clock shadow and a dad-bod snug within a wife beater and nappies. IKR! I shut him down pdq. I have no idea what the sloth got up to.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The library is varied and endless. In conclusion, Calm App is a great way to clear your mind and get more health-giving sleep. I’m a convert. Chucking on my headphones at 3am and listening to <b>“Softly Back To Sleep”</b> is a whole lot better than lying wide awake catastrophizing about my current worries. Even a soundscape like <b>“Bamboo Forest” </b>or <b>“Silk Waves”</b> can do the trick.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Lastly, in the hope of improving focus on my book writing projects, I’m eleven days in to <b>‘How To Meditate in 30 Days’</b> with <b>Jeff</b>. Jeff promises that once you master the art of meditation your concentration will be next-level! I’m so glad I found Jeff. My concentration is shot. But I’m learning how to shut out the voices in my head. Be present. Yeeha!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Jane x</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">ps. I’m not sponsored by Calm App lol. If you fill out a survey on their site you’ll receive a discount voucher within days. Or sign up for a free 7-day trial.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Do leave a comment if you have success, insomniacs.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Sweet future dreams! Nightie night!</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-91161961797619898572021-07-15T14:17:00.002+12:002021-11-10T07:49:14.665+13:00The Scriptwriter - A Road Movie Spoof<p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OOJtECnI3I0/YO-WjbAQYtI/AAAAAAAADsY/X8NT5UDvGLsH4ha5atq06s_CLIHK2XTTACLcBGAsYHQ/s679/Plymouth%2BBarracuda.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="506" data-original-width="679" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-OOJtECnI3I0/YO-WjbAQYtI/AAAAAAAADsY/X8NT5UDvGLsH4ha5atq06s_CLIHK2XTTACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Plymouth%2BBarracuda.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Plymouth Barracuda</td></tr></tbody></table><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></p><p><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px;">*I dreamt I was awarded a writer’s residency where the host was a highway motel.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;">Naturally, I packed my duffel bag and rocked up the next day to start it.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">But WTH did I discover/do there?!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Well, you could only describe it as some bougie sort of existential mind-altering experience worthy of … of submission to a Netflix production company keen on the splatter movie short-shorts genre.*</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It’s all about the script.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Setup:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Desert road movie.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Two misfits. Both creatives.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">An A-grade actor with dyed black hair and one of those scalloped, receding hairlines/American. Keen to act and produce a new work near a place with three snow-capped mountains and a road called, the <i>Desert Road</i>.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A writer who had her first book published aged 51. Peach-toned hair/Kiwi. Keen to complete a new, ambitious project - a movie script.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They meet at a highway-side motel of nondescript architecture.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">She’s come by Uber.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He drives a badass American muscle car. A Plymouth Barracuda ’71.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">There are three cars in the car park. They belong to no one.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A mountain range is visible in the distance. Tumbleweeds tumble out of the tundra.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The motel owner’s son, a poppy-out-eyed greasy-haired youth is behind the desk. He will defo have a sick part to play later.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If you haven’t worked out the name of the US actor by now, let me help you.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas Cage. All 6 ft of him.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">And the wannabe script-writer. Janet Bloomwayfieldmouth. 164 cm.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b></b></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Scene 1:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Actor and writer greet.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They don’t say much.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Until they’ve shared a bottle of vodka. Something cheap. Finlandia.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They discover they’re the same age. 57!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They get to work on their movie script.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">They sit on opposite sides of the bed in the poorly furnished motel room. They brainstorm like crazies.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Great visuals, genuinely droll snitches of dialogue, and kickass one-liners fly around the room.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Much like the overpowering patchouli-odor of the room deodorizer, which is giving Janet the sneezes.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas finds a box of coarse tissues in the bathroom for her.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The shiny brown quilt threatens to slip right off the bed.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The room is smoke-free but cigarette smoke seems to weep from the faux wood veneer headboard.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas sucks relentlessly on a grape-bubblegum vape. He explains he’s trying to give up the darts as he blows perfect smoke rings.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Janet tries without fail to find a window that opens. They both now have headaches.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas says, <i>We’ve done great work, Janet. Let’s take a break.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He lifts the non-cordless phone beside the bed and dials '1' for the restaurant. He orders 2 x spicy pepperoni pizzas and a bottle of Finlandia.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Scene 2:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas and Janet catch forty winks.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">There’s a knock on the door. RAT A TAT TAT. TAT.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas takes the safety off his Colt 44. He’s been in short, desert road movies before.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Janet opens the door. She hands over a fifty and casually says, <i>Keep the change</i>.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The greasy motel youth laughs like a hyena and asks, <i>Would you like extra sauce with that?</i> </span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He hands over the pizzas. </span>Then he pulls out a lady handgun and aims it at Janet’s face. He attempts to pull the trigger.</p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Pepperoni pizza and what could be brains now splatter the ugly quilt.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas steps out from behind the door and wastes the youth.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He gathers up the script from the bedside table and flicks through it.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It’s covered in Janet’s boarding school handwriting. He has no idea what it says. It must be in a native language.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He thrusts the still warm Colt down the back of his jeans. The barrel rests under his Calvins, between his butt crack. He harrumphs and kicks the youth out of the way. <i>Loser arsehole</i>.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 19px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Scene 3:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas puts Janet’s hands in prayer position over her heart.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He grabs his vinyl hold-all and the vodka. He leaves the pizza, it’s covered in carpet fluff.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The motel car park still has the three cars belonging to no one in it.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A tan, three-legged dog jogs, past sniffing the air.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Nicolas pulls the door of unit 66 shut.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He does a stunt jump into the open front window of the Cuda. Forgetting he’s on the wrong side. It’s a right-hand drive.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Overcome with emptiness and emotion he slugs half the bottle of Finlandia and grabs the packet of Dunhills from the glovebox.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Lights up and takes a deep drag. Then another.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">With the cig casually held in the corner of his mouth, he drops a spectac donut, peppering the motel sign with gravel.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Then he floors-it and fish-tails onto the highway.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">He wipes the tears from his eyes with the back of his hairy hand, almost burning himself on his cigarette.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Such a waste.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>That was a great project. Janet was great to work with.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><i>Oh well, writers are a dime a dozen.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Final Scene:</b></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The Plymouth Barracuda ’71, flies westwards, airborne.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Into the blinding sun.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Janet is at the door of unit 66, waving.</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-11249244712523718242021-06-28T15:43:00.011+12:002021-11-10T07:51:00.649+13:00How TO Live Now - not really a guidebook<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r63wC4axuVs/YNlFGARGVZI/AAAAAAAADrc/mQgTeB_1DdUPreziwwEfc5cMoN9EvPXhQCLcBGAsYHQ/s960/white%2Bmushroom.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-r63wC4axuVs/YNlFGARGVZI/AAAAAAAADrc/mQgTeB_1DdUPreziwwEfc5cMoN9EvPXhQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/white%2Bmushroom.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have no idea what it is either</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #2d2d2d; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #2d2d2d; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><p class="p1" style="color: black; font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I’m going to go out on a limb here, a long slippery bamboo pole, and say that life all of a sudden feels like it </span><span class="s2" style="color: #2d2d2d; font-kerning: none;">needs a guidebook. Something simply titled:</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p3" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: center;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“How TO Live Now”</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Because one day we're all g, the next we're in some form of lockdown thinking everyone we pass on the street is exhaling Delta-positive vapours. And fucken hell, is white vinegar in a spritz bottle suitable as a hand sanitizer? And is there a way I can manufacture toilet paper out of dock leaves in a flower press because someone with a really big bum has overnight spurned a Purex pandemic at Pak n Save and they’ve no rolls left? None.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Our fragile minds, which could be focussed on important things like what to eat for lunch and how to become a mega-rich Influencer overnight, have become Covid-News-dependent. Uncle Ash has lost his bloom. He’s looking tired on it. He needs a new suit. While Chris is hip and steady at the helm. I like Chris. But sorry travellers the Trans-Tasman bubble was a helium balloon waiting for a drunk kid at 21</span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 9.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>st</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> to suck the gas clean out of it. We locked down Auckland city twice when there was a community transmission. I know, I was there, enjoying the home-time immensely at the Michael King Writers Centre. I felt so full of potential back then. I do worry for Mr NSW Deltaman though. Did he have to go undercover, head for the Blue Mountains, get pandemic-spreader-police-protection? He did singlehandedly shut down a city. That could weigh heavy on a bloke. That sort of culpability would eat me up like … like a virus.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I heard of a wonder-woman named <a href="https://thespinoff.co.nz/books/25-06-2021/every-pudding-in-the-edmonds-cookbook-cooked-and-ranked/" target="_blank">Catherine</a> who prepared the entire pudding section of the Edmonds cookbook for her family. She then rated those 24 duffs in all their boarding school rice pudding nightmare-inducing runny custard glory. It’s quite the most brilliant pudding parody you will ever read. It gave me flashbacks of my dear sweet gran packing crustless, cream cheese and crystalised ginger sandwiches in my lunchbox. Back when I tried to complete a 7</span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 9.3px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>th</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> form at Havelock North High but failed. I spent most of my time wagging class, zooming through HN on my 10-speed to smoke cigarettes and bag apples with my friend Julie at her fruit stall. We were both recently freed from four years at Nga Tawa, and filling time until we became old enough for our chosen tertiary pursuits. Both of us doing grown up things we weren’t old enough to be doing. Anxiously waiting to age. Just like we’re all anxiously waiting for Covid to mutate and eat itself.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was at a come-as-your-favourite-movie-character party on Saturday night. I went as Estella-Cruella. My costume was a bit last minute. I could have been any old silver-haired dame. I really needed to blacken half my hair. There were about 500 Audrey Hepburn – Breakfast At Tiffany(s) in the room. One thirty-year-old Audrey really stood out. She was beautiful! Coolly sophisticated, understated. Dressed in a demure black vintage dress, a provocative slash of ivory skin exposed over delicate collar bones. The string of pearls. Her soft brown hair up in a chignon. A beaded headpiece in delicate silver filigree.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">An Audrey in rabbit fur and middle-years rocked over, she was looking for a joint to suck through her long, plastic cigarette holder. The end looked chewed. Her pearls held firm. We couldn’t help her. Young Audrey had men, not marijuana on her mind. She wanted to play “Would – Shouldn’t”. A game I’d not played before; where you pick a movie star you’d go all the way with but really shouldn’t. It took me a while to catch on. I had so many “Woulds”!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Help me out here, I asked. Who’s yours?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Kevin Spacey, she replied. You know in <i>“American Beauty”</i> … if I’d been a cheerleader, I totally would have.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">That’s crazy. We watched that movie last night, I said, guiltily.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Your turn, Audrey insisted. Who’s yours?</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was still struggling because my ‘Shouldn’ts’ were really ‘Wouldn’ts’. Then I thought, who’s a bad boy then? Okay, I’ve got one. Nicolas Cage/Leaving Las Vegas.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A ‘Sandra Bullock’ in a fringed black wig joined in. She was hopeless, she only had ‘Woulds’. Her partner came over. Who are you? Audrey asked. He wore a plaid shirt. He casually pulled a stalk of dried grass from his pocket, placed it in the corner of his mouth and chewed it a bit.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Audrey and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Plaid shirt guy put us out of our misery. Mathew McConaughey, he beamed.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Would! I said, as I snuck out. You know. The real deal.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Britney Spears. The H piped up on the way home. His voice was a little high.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">What? I asked.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Britney’s my Would/Shouldn’t.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was shocked, conflicted. She’s hot.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">However, it made me feel less guilty about my plan. I’ve got noise-cancelling headphones on order. My current insomnia is next level. Not because I’m worried about dying of Covid. Or never travelling internationally again. Or my unfinished book (lying.) Mostly, I just wake up at the slightest sound and cannot get back to sleep for two-hour lags. It must stop. I’m getting Calm App. I’m going to lie beside my intermittently, snoring man while listening to the dulcet tones of others. I’ve already taken the Calm App survey to customise my listening pleasure. Matthew. Idris. Harry. Cillian. I’m coming for ya. Pumped. And wide awake. Feel free to join me on this journey if you need some middle-of-the-night mindfulness. The first seven days are free! And hey, we're not exactly going anywhere else.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nsA4P_85eYM/YNpGP7gjcqI/AAAAAAAADrk/jwEfQONfBNABA83Zk81eiBV0qFNxbw1aQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1260/Screenshot%2B2021-06-29%2Bat%2B9.50.18%2BAM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1260" data-original-width="1240" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-nsA4P_85eYM/YNpGP7gjcqI/AAAAAAAADrk/jwEfQONfBNABA83Zk81eiBV0qFNxbw1aQCLcBGAsYHQ/s320/Screenshot%2B2021-06-29%2Bat%2B9.50.18%2BAM.png" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But we can travel across Ireland!</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If sleepy time tours don’t work, I’ll be up baking my way through the cakes in The Australian Women’s Weekly Cookbook.</span></p><p class="p2" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 16px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p4" style="font-size: 14px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Stay well, y’all. Xo</span></p></div><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); color: #2d2d2d; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-25491998692231473322021-05-13T15:16:00.014+12:002021-11-10T07:49:54.820+13:00Birds and Words and Writers Festivals<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C5tXvC4bf7g/YJyY1zmbT9I/AAAAAAAADpw/Lx8cssh_TCsZwclclKGMl2YBSTZV7smdACLcBGAsYHQ/s960/tairoa%2Blighthouse.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="960" data-original-width="960" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-C5tXvC4bf7g/YJyY1zmbT9I/AAAAAAAADpw/Lx8cssh_TCsZwclclKGMl2YBSTZV7smdACLcBGAsYHQ/s320/tairoa%2Blighthouse.jpg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Taiaroa Head Lighthouse</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; text-align: left;"><b>Anyone on the fence about attending the Auckland Readers and Writers Festival this weekend, listen up. Your JOMO may very soon to FOMO if you stay on the couch.</b></span></div><p></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">It was wall to wall, who’s-who of kiwi literati at the <i>Dunedin Writers & Readers Festival</i> last weekend. From Ockham winner and Burns Fellow, Becky M. To Ockham 2021 finalists Catherine C and Vincent O. Top crime writers Steve B and J Savage. To late-career maestros Witi and Brian. Along with children’s writers, emerging talents, slam poets, and two steampunk fanatics.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Keep the borders closed I say. Keep this reverence of Aotearoa’s literary genii going. <span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I divided my time over the weekend between my son, 18, a first-year at Otago Uni, and the DRF. More than once, I wished I could have been in several places at once. There were so many overlapping events going down. My Friday started buying threads at a skater shop, sushi at Hikari, and then hostel vitals at Spotlight. Later I attended <i>Nalini Singh’s Romance Workshop</i>, at the curiously titled <i>Otago Pioneer Women’s Hall</i>. The hall is more a green-carpeted room with a very large and handy kitchen and a smell of old. I kept wondering what those pioneer women did there as Nalini (disappointingly for this writer) explained that sex scenes <i>should take the story forward</i>, <i>like any scene</i>. I’m currently writing a popular fiction. I thought sex scenes were just a hot-interlude. I imagined those pioneer women made a lot of hot tea and scones in that kitchen.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">On Saturday morning, I swapped birds for words, roused the son, and we set off for the Royal Albatross Colony at Taiaroa heads. A mist hung over the Otago peninsula. It lifted now and then revealing the most incredible golden sweeping bays and rolling tides to the east. Stands of gnarly macrocarpas clung to the verge on the narrow twisty road. A plump kereru sat on a powerline in the otherwise unnoteworthy Portobello.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">We’d booked the 11am tour and arrived at ten to. Albatrosses have a three metre wingspan. One percent of their entire population returns to Taiaroa to breed annually (99% head for The Chathams.) Six Albatross chicks, hatched in January, sat a few metres apart on the cliff face below the observation hut. Stationary balls of white floof. A hefty seven kgs of it. A mum returned from sea. She landed, folded her wings origami style and ignored her chick, which was now snapping its long pink beak at her. The chick then became a mini Sesame St <i>Big Bird</i> as its oversized, grey webbed feet waddled toward her. Mum was clearly exhausted or had no tucker in her gullet. She vamoosed.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A teenage Albatross bombed the hut in air-show-fashion during our entire forty-five-minute visit. People hogged the front window and the binoculars. A smooth-faced couple in shiny, thin puffa coats hung back. They asked lots of questions but did not smile. I could not stop. Son and I felt as though we were in our very own Cirque-du-seabird-spectac!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I made it back to the Octagon (via an independent vape shop in St Kilda) with seconds to spare before my next literary sessions.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><br /></span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">At the wrap party that night, Brian Turner said, as a boy of about 15 he and his mates used to go out to the Taiaroa heads and watch the Albatrosses fly. I could only spout the facts I’d retained from our one-hour tour. Brian was probably putting his historical observations into eloquent stanzas. Albatrosses are gliders. They cover 1,000 kilometres a day! They can lay eggs until the age of seventy! They don't touch land for a year!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">We were back in the Otago Pioneer Women’s Hall. I was a gate-crasher of sorts. I wasn’t a presenter but a participant. I was with my publisher, Steve B. We’d chatted through the rain and ended up outside the ODT office and had to backtrack. The room was wall-to-wall smiles. Pretty much how I suspect the opening of the Auckland Writer’s Festival will be this evening.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Gareth Ward won <i>best shoe</i>. Later on, I thought he might fire up the jetpacks on those red patent leather babies and hover above the snack table still laden with hummus. Lou his better half won <i>best true story</i> about Neil Gaiman. Talia Marshall won <i>most fun person to go to a party with</i>, in the half-sentence I spoke with her. Becky Manawatu won <i>best reading</i> at a literary festival (I’m still having visions of that dimpling temple and that flying can opener.) Vanda, Rose, Catherine, and Elizabeth won <i>best hair</i>.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Sunday was Mother’s Day. The tide was full and the surf was pumping at St Clair. Son and I had our last supper at Starfish.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My car smelt sweetly of lucerne chaff on the way back to Queenstown. A trip, I realised I’ve been doing for twenty-three years since I moved to the SI, and still can’t get the towns in correct order. A three and half hour journey mostly made for momentous events. The births of my three children. My waters broke spectacularly in the far unit of the St Clair beach motel back in 1998. A tsunami of amniotic fluid complete with entire mucus plug on white towels. I left my second daughter’s placenta in the fridge in another motel on George Street, in 2000. It was an odd sort of payback as the motel had hurried me along into an induction. I was five days overdue. They had a booking for a rugby game at Carisbrooke. The placenta won itself a bus trip to Queenstown. I didn’t chance it with my son in 2003. I had a caesarean. Then I enjoyed a five-night holiday in Queen Mary high, yet nauseous on morphine.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Medical events aside, there have also been good times. School trips. Concerts. Pink. ID Fashion Show. A highlight was taking my mum to Fleetwood Mac in 2015. And there have been literary events. I got stalked by a tall, bald man at the first one I nervously attended alone, back in 1994 at the town hall. When I ignored his advances he took to sitting directly behind me at each session. So I brought a brown velvet hat from a hat shop on Princess Street and wore it with its brim down. The incident no doubt gave me material for the feeble short stories I was writing at the time. But it also killed my vibe.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 22px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Right now, I’m having major FOMO that I won’t be at the AWF this weekend. Catching up with writing buddies (mostly) and celebrating words. Especially Kyle Mewburn's memoir session <a href="https://www.writersfestival.co.nz/programmes/event/family-dynamics-grimshaw-mewburn-obrien/1389865/" style="background-color: #01ffff;" target="_blank">Family Dynamics</a> with Charlotte Grimshawe and Lil O'Brien.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">If you haven’t already made bookings - grab a friend, or your best hat and get thee along!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 18px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o1OYR3bHJgQ/YJ3Tyz6CzYI/AAAAAAAADp4/cE8JpphIfsQ6ao_d91QkuUR7aMUU0-7IQCLcBGAsYHQ/s1612/Screenshot%2B2021-05-14%2Bat%2B1.32.02%2BPM.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1074" data-original-width="1612" height="266" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-o1OYR3bHJgQ/YJ3Tyz6CzYI/AAAAAAAADp4/cE8JpphIfsQ6ao_d91QkuUR7aMUU0-7IQCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h266/Screenshot%2B2021-05-14%2Bat%2B1.32.02%2BPM.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and Mum in the mosh at Fleetwood Mac + a visitor from Hawkes Bay</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-74712426433372369812021-05-05T13:50:00.004+12:002021-05-06T09:24:58.970+12:00True Confessions of a Writer's Residency<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFEZIpTnZXDUvCfOpaBsOEfYZvM9ScA35X2bBCGC5YdRHflgt7Ns8lvJThQUdVlnYj596gs3IFG7tKYBIAikmZ2xlt8t_M-DqeXVRRH94gghTjsvVG7SAJeSVpbk0xbwmg5s9G_C7VigrQ/s640/victorian+girls.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="640" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFEZIpTnZXDUvCfOpaBsOEfYZvM9ScA35X2bBCGC5YdRHflgt7Ns8lvJThQUdVlnYj596gs3IFG7tKYBIAikmZ2xlt8t_M-DqeXVRRH94gghTjsvVG7SAJeSVpbk0xbwmg5s9G_C7VigrQ/w400-h300/victorian+girls.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">by Frank Bramley, England, 1891</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">A three-week writer’s residency is a bit of a fairy tale time for a writer. Well, it was for this middle-aged</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> mother of three. My youngest was setting off to his first year at uni. My husband was looking after the ranch. I was obligation-less. I’ve got three children’s novels under my belt. Followed by a three-year publication drought. But from the time you send in your residency application and receive your acceptance, a magnitude of only-author-dreams unfold. A beautiful hardback book in your hand. Gloss-embossed title in gold lettering on an eye-catching cover. Inside - delightful illustrations, exquisitely detailed chapter headings, and ellipses. An international publication contract in duplicate. An excited publisher. A dedicated PR department</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">.</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> A happy agent. Congratulatory (quietly envious) writing friends. Jumping to at least 1.5K Twitter followers. Dreams.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I was 923 words into my project, a new children’s novel, when I arrived at the Signalman’s House, Mt Victoria. My protagonist Pearl has been percolating steadily for the last two years. But I’d forgotten what colour her hair was.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The H and I had just hosted a three-day-event. His 60</span><span class="s3" style="font-kerning: none; font-size: 10.7px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"><sup>th</sup></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> birthday. I joked with one guest, ‘I’ll need to get my chakras realigned the minute I arrive in Devonport on Sunday.’ She told me to see Leah at Universal matters.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">On Monday, at the MK Centre when Tania showed me my room off the corridor</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> wallpapered with headshots of previous alumni, I commented, “There are all the <i>famous</i> writers!”</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px; text-align: justify;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">“You’ll be there soon!” she replied.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px; text-align: justify;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Me? No! Surely, they’ll realise I’m an imposter.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Eleanor Catton finished the first draft of her Booker Prize winner, <b>The Luminaries</b> during her three-month stint here! Don McGlashan was on the wall for heaven’s sake! He was often spied in New World, buying potatoes. I’m told</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I spent a bit of time in NW. There’s always a difference between yearning for solitude, alone time to fully immerse yourself, selfishly, luxuriously in writing to being handed-it-on-a-plate. Along with a healthy chunk of taxpayer money. I found myself befriending the banana singles in the vegetable section. They were always so nicely arranged. And blemish-free. I sought to meet <i>another</i> buying them. Not in a Blendr kind of way. Just. Where were all the lonely people?</span></p><p class="p3" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><a href="https://www.anzliterature.com/feature/fiction-writers-round-table-2021/" target="_blank">Catherine Chidgey, Ockham Fiction Finalist</a> said recently: “<i>Every time I start a new book, I can’t remember how to do it. A strange amnesia sets in. I think the euphoria of finishing a novel, for me, obliterates the memory of the sheer difficulty of the task, along with the memory of how I came up with solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems.”</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I didn’t achieve much on my first day, aside from eating a packet of Arnott’s Mint Slices and rearranging the writer’s hut. It’s a converted washhouse<i>. </i>The Signalman’s House was built in 1898. It’s a grand old wooden villa and now well-appointed. I couldn’t help but think of the women who’d toiled in that washhouse. Boiling up the coppers on sheet-day. Hands red raw. Backs aching. I wondered what other writers had done on the brown, faux suede sofa behind the desk. Napped? ‘My mind is </span><span class="s4" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: line-through;">blank</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> distracted, but absorbing the spirits’ of writers past and some really potent deodorizer sticks.’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The hut is afforded a lot of whiteboard space. I didn’t really know what to do with it all. By late afternoon it was tattooed with my black swirly scrawl. I wrote character bios. Back cover blurbology. Pacey plot points. New characters appeared from nowhere. I brainstormed names. I love names! The sky was still full of wet. The terracotta birdbath threatened to overflow. I still hadn’t started to write <i>Chapter Two</i>. Oddly, I’d written the final paragraph a while back but ‘The End’ was a Mars-sized distance away. The enormity of the situation had me shouting at Siri. I realised this was the wrong approach. We later became firm friends.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Aside from the first night, I had the large villa to myself for three weeks. I found myself re-snibbing the locks at night. Experimenting with my night-lighting. It was hot but I was too nervous to have the sash window by my bed opened a crack. The front bedroom is quite stately. I really wanted to move into it. Instead, in a rather juvenile statement I pinched coat hangers from it. Needs musts. I’d brought my entire collection of floaty summer dresses with me.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My state of mind dipped and sprung depending on my flow of words. I became fixated with my daily wordcount. I slept badly. Not unusual. But suddenly I was putting together months of thinking into scenes/action/dialogue/narrative. I realised if someone annoys you IRL they’re very like to end up as an antagonist in your WIP. More and more characters appeared. Where did you come from, I kept asking them?!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Meal prep was a distraction. I ate so many pita bread meals I wanted to toast those that remained and frisbee them over the back fence into the long grass. But the dude who tried to weedblow the entire maunga on Mondays would have found them.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My project is set in early Victorian times. My daily walks around the twee (in a good way) colonial village of Devonport with its beautifully restored white villas always provided ideas. Details. Sometimes I admired the cats of strangers. The cheery man, scraping paint off his window frames in Kerr Street, with his pair of Burmese sunbathing on the footpath. They came from a breeder in Rongapoi. He kept them in at night. But yes, by day, they were hunters.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I chatted with David Slack via Twitter. I’d inadvertently taken a pic of his roof, while taking my daily trot around the maunga. I said I’d like to come and borrow a cup of sugar. But level three lockdown. We could only tweet.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">One super sunny day I met my daughter Lily for a swim in a lovely Pohutukawa lined bay on the Rangitoto side of North Head. I recalled what Rachel King had said during her residency, ‘Anything apart from going straight to my desk was fatal.’ I could have easily become a beach bum. I was born in Takapuna. I’m a shore girl stuck in the mountains. I held fast. Even though <a href="https://kylemewburn.com/" target="_blank">Kyle Mewburn</a> reminded me, ‘It’s a writer’s residency, not a penal colony.’ I’d already set myself a goal of getting 2/3rds of a book written. 30,000 words. The tide was low and I swam out towards the channel. Only to auger in on top of a wide oyster-clad rock scraping my knees bloody.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">When Covid allowed I frequented The Vic. The cinema. I learned to turn on all the villa’s outside lights or prepare myself for the 200m walk up the hill in the pitch black. Sometimes I’d ring to check the start time of the main feature. Then bowl down the hill five minutes later. This evening’s viewing was period drama <i>Ammonite</i>. A love story of sorts. Saoirse Ronan sat on Kate Winslet’s face! It was pretty impressive sexinematography. You got to give it to the Brits with their <i>intimacy coaches</i></span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The next day. ‘How you feeling, Siri?’<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><b>I’m happy to be here, she chirped.</b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘You’re a GB, Siri.’<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"><b>Mmm is there something else I can help with?</b><span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Siri did you know that Saoirse sits on Kate’s face in the movie?’<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><b><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Sorry</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> I can’t search what something is about but I can search title, actors, directors and categories like horror or action.</span></b></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Siri’s tone had changed. She was on to me. No flies on Siri.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">I booked into Leah the crystal healer.</span><span class="s5" style="color: #2b2c2d; font-family: Arial; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> <i>Practitioners of crystal healing believe they can boost low energy, release blocked energy, and transform a body's </i><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aura_(paranormal)%22%20%5Co%20%22Aura%20(paranormal)"><span class="s6" style="color: #005cbb; font-kerning: none;"><i>aura</i></span></a></span><span class="s7" style="color: #005cbb; font-family: Arial; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; text-decoration-line: underline;"><i>.</i></span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> I don’t know much about this process, I told Leah when I arrived. But I’ve come with an open mind. Good. That’s all we need. Leah soon found an aura-of-a-deep-sadness within me. She worked had to banish it. A lot of breathing is involved over the hour session. It’s a certain form of meditation, blanketed in rocks. (Crystals placed over your seven chakra points.) My stomach gurgled. I cried. My heart literally ached. I opened my eyes occasionally to see Leah’s hands sweeping over my body as she chanted. At one point her phone rang. She answered it!</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">Afterwards, I sat on a bench by the wharf and wrote a bunch of nonsense in my journal. The air smelt salty but the light was not brighter. I was not lighter. I felt knackered actually. ‘Avoid negative people,’ Leah had said. I went to take a photo of a couple and their dog in a baby’s pram. Surreptitiously, of course. I can’t have been the first person to do this because the lady snarled <i>fuck off</i>. Hang on. I was riding the cosmic crystal zone, impervious to the bad vibes of others. The photo was blurry.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">The next day was a trip. I was the fitsbo, MA woman in lycra doing triceps dips on the benches on Mt Vic. After sprinting up the grassy summit tracks over and over. Back at the villa’s library, I planked, I crunched, I did push-ups. The next few days I was in agony. My obliques a fresh new hell. I’d also fallen into a major plot crater. The penny had dropped the night before over dinner. I'd been telling my writer friends about my crystal healing revelations, as their eyes glazed over.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">However, the brain works in mysterious ways and twelve agonising hours later it was fixed.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">My word count picked up. I reached my target. Probably in part thanks to my final week coinciding with a 7 day, #Level3 lockdown. As well as a batty group chat that spurred me on no end with writer friends <a href="http://www.suecopsey.com/www.suecopsey.com/Home.html" target="_blank">Sue Copsey</a> and <a href="http://melindaszymanik.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Melinda Szymanik</a>. And the nourishment of sharing takeaways from the exotic restaurants of Victoria road each evening with Lily. My pita bread fast swiftly rectified.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">When I packed my bags to leave, my brain felt like a cotton wool fro. My new and ambitious project (for me) now well underway. I felt elated</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">,</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;"> and at the same time deflated. A finished book is so much more than its first draft. It’s writing and rewriting. Taking on feedback and reworking. Writers do not read their work, as their readers do. It’s a certain blindness.</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">When I wrote ‘The End’ approximately two months and a total of 51,000 later, I knew parts of my work sings. I knew my three girl characters are bomb. I had a lot of fun with the magic and the other worldness. But I cannot decide if its total</span><span class="s2" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-kerning: none; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;">-</span><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">ness, its intended theme, its plot arc, action and pacing are perfectly, perfectly formed. I just lose sight and self-doubt takes over. I think for many writers that is a pretty normal thing.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">However, one thing I do know is that I’m prepared to work my butt flat until they do. Gotta keep the dream of that attractive hardcover alive!<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: Calibri; font-size: 16px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px 0px 12px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none;">ps. Without the luxury of being awarded the <a href="https://writerscentre.org.nz/" target="_blank">Michael King Writers Centre</a> Residency, none of the above would have been possible. Cheers!</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7856440432185169438.post-91657965340622395132021-04-30T12:10:00.005+12:002021-04-30T12:38:28.321+12:00Ask This Writer a Question & She Will Answer<p> <table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ttdCL_lBlcs/YItQz2zKsUI/AAAAAAAADpM/sBHs0mQnYEca9TLRAIdrKzZqT9Yfwi-SwCLcBGAsYHQ/s1310/Screenshot%2B2021-04-30%2Bat%2B12.31.20%2BPM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1232" data-original-width="1310" height="376" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ttdCL_lBlcs/YItQz2zKsUI/AAAAAAAADpM/sBHs0mQnYEca9TLRAIdrKzZqT9Yfwi-SwCLcBGAsYHQ/w400-h376/Screenshot%2B2021-04-30%2Bat%2B12.31.20%2BPM.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">mates</td></tr></tbody></table></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><p></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><b>Favourite thing about the Michael King Writer's residency?</b></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I had a lot of favourite things. One particular highlight for me was the Tuis in the birdbath! I wasted quite a bit of time watching this afternoon pool party from the writer’s hut. I even cleaned the window so I could take photos without disturbing their fun. One of my quests in life is trying a take a fantastic photo of our native birds. I now have many pool-shots to sort through. One day there were five Tuis in the bath at once, with two rosellas waiting nearby. Five!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: underline;"><b>What are you reading during your stay when you are not writing?</b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Buying books is an occupational hazard. I bought four while I was here. I also brought a pile with me to read when I was taking a break from writing. Because my project was a middle-grade novel I read two children’s books. ‘Skunk and Badger’ by Amy Timberlake, illustrated by Jon Klassen. And ‘The Extremely Inconvenient Adventures of Bronte Mettlestone’, by Jacyln Moriarty. I would recommend both these unusual tales for curious young readers.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I bought ‘The Strays of Paris,’ by Jane Smiley (from Paradox Books.) I love Jane Smiley. This book is written from the point of view of a racehorse who runs away and hooks up with a stray shorthaired pointer. The back cover blurb promises to <i>celebrate the intrinsic need for friendship, love and freedom</i>. It sounded like the-incredible-journey for grownups. The set-up is great. I’m only a couple of chapters in.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">UK author Meg Rosoff has always been a favourite author of mine. I bought her latest, ‘The Great Godden’ (from the Women’s Bookshop.) While at the very convivial book launch of my writer buddy, Sue Copsey. Sue writes fabulous, modern retellings of Tudor history under the pseudonym, Olivia Hayfield. ‘Sister To Sister’ her latest, has been on the bestseller list for weeks! It was a buzz to be in a great indie bookshop crowded with kiwi writers supporting kiwi writers.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Anyone who’s ever loved a drop-dead gorgeous, overly charming, yet allusive young man will appreciate TGG. Initially.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: underline;"><b>What do you like to do when not writing?</b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I was a florist once upon a time. I still grow peonies. I love foraging around hedgerows for interesting plant material to use in flower arrangements, or for making wreaths.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Walking is the perfect thinking time for me. I walk most days along the Shotover River, below our property in Queenstown, with our super energetic Huntaway. Often plot problems are solved or new characters pop into my head. I just hope no one can hear this<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>mad, striding woman talking to herself!</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">I did a lot of <i>research</i> walks around Devonport during my residency</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: underline;"><b>Describe what your ideal writing space looks like?</b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">The Writer’s Hut was the perfect writing space for me. At home, my studio is at the top of our house. It’s a very small space, accessed through a secret door. A bookcase. The room is cluttered with books, lots of treasures, my children’s art from forever, an oak desk, computer, chocolate (secreted in drawers) and an armchair for reading. I paper the walls with character bios and detailed maps of my WIPs setting. Each time I tidy and rearrange this space I cannot start work until its messy again.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s1" style="font-kerning: none; text-decoration-line: underline;"><b>What’s the strangest thing you’ve had to research online for your book?</b></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">My new children’s novel is set in speculative Victoria times so I did have to look up a lot of details.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Was writing paper scarce in 1879’.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘When were fireworks invented’.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Did they have pancakes in 19C Britain’.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘What is the tool used to press wax seals’. Answer: seal.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Term for feminist Victorian women.’</span></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">‘Victorian horse hoof polish with tar odour.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">This last search proved fruitless and led me to Twitter. Where a hearty discussion took place amongst many helpful, horsey people. Stockholm Tar. Neatsfoot oil.</span></p><p class="p2" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; min-height: 13px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;"></span><br /></p><p class="p1" style="-webkit-text-stroke-color: rgb(0, 0, 0); font-family: "Century Gothic"; font-size: 11px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="s2" style="font-kerning: none;">Sometimes faffing about on social media is not a waste of a writer’s time.</span></p>Jane Bloomfield: truth is stranger than fictionhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16152663420076316491noreply@blogger.com0