Saturday, 4 October 2014

Don't Try This At Home

When they first gave race horses hoof enhancement supplements it made l o n g hairs grow on their bellies. I can attest, that if you apply lash-growth-potions too liberally late at night after a few vinos to your eyelashes they will turn into an unclipped box hedge and your eyelids, we’re talking the skin part here, will resemble a baby Woolrest underlay.

Sorry I do like to exaggerate. A bit. However, the previous lengthy-without-correct-placement-of-commas-sentence is quite-a-lot-and-mostly true. You may not look like you’re wearing a sheepskin rug on your eyelids, but you will sprout a patch of down like the top of a new born babe’s ears atop your new falsie-length lashes. For those that live in my town DO NOT start looking at my eyelids to check whether I’ve mutated into hobbit. Please. Thank you. It’s all fallen out now. Anyways.

More importantly, if you only apply this DIY growth accelerator as per the packet directions – one swipe of the brush ladies – just one swipe. Each night. Your lashes will lengthen. All of their own accord. Without the nasty aforementioned side effects which I forgot to say includes - red rimmed under eye circles so prominent you will look like you’ve been on a three day P bender. And if your lashes have only ever been stumpy and un-perm-able, these new cow eyed lengths are a sight to behold. Believe me.

Lash-growth-potions vary in price from $70 - $200. Mine was purchased over the counter at my friendly Unichem pharmacy for $68.99 and kicked in after three weeks. I did have to buy a second 2.92ml of serum due to young female member of my household wanting to join the lash farm experiment. My DIY enhancement programme went smoothly at first, it was the once-a-week-maintenance application where I got a bit sloppy. 

However, when my first lash-babies were in the corral I painted-em up. I framed my fading blue peepers like they’ve never been framed before with liberal lashings from the new and fresh wand of the blackest black mascara I’ve ever purchased. ‘Blacquer’, courtesy of fashion designer turned cosmetic manufacturer – Marc Jacobs (stocked at Sephora FYI). Man did I coat em with his shiny goo. Then I threw on a swipe of brown powder over the sparse prairie grass that used to be my eyebrows. Et Voila- I was that twenty year old, ready to hit Xenon and bop like Boy George.

If only for a second.

According to my sources. Google. We women spend a cool $USD4,000 alone on mascara in our lifetimes. Quite a hefty portion of the $USD30,345 total we spend on cosmetics. 

I’m happy to say I’ve tested a few beauty enhancement potions and procedures over the years and growing-your-own-hair has definitely been one of the more satisfying. Although, I caution AGAIN over zealous use of lash growth potions. As well as causing itching and burning, it can aid FALL OUT. 

Two days after aforementioned errant woolly growth I noticed gaps in the box hedging. At least 2 mls of lower lashes vamous. Departed. Flown the fecking coup. I wasn’t bothered. Mind the gap. I just mascara’d a few nearby lashes together. Dotted on some eyeliner (actually it was brow powder). And avoided the serum.

Then I searched for instant answers as you do. Tippy type. And discovered it takes 8 long tedious weeks to grow an eyelash, from its root down to the tip of its unenhanced self. 8 weeks. 

Next, I discovered that should I become more desirous of delirious lashes aka a Kardashian, or a drag queen, I can fork out $USD275 for fox hair eyelash extensions. Yes siree, with a two hour sleep thrown in, while a technician wearing, you’d have to imagine massive magnifying glasses, glues add-on hairs to my existing lashes. Woo. That is quite a lash-commitment and requires ‘refills’ every  2 – 3 weeks for $USD95 a pop, not forgetting the time. Some of the comments mentioned lashes getting weaker due to the weight of the extensions, growing sparse, leaving BIG gaps. I’m going back to growing them, said one. Jeepers creepers.

Sassy feminist, Caitlin Moran, when talking about her beauty regime in a recent UK Times column (which btw you purchase a 30 day trial of for just 1 quid, just saying) SAID in light of the fact that the worldwide cosmetic industry is worth 19 trillion pounds per annum that, ‘Everyone looks their best ten minutes after sex, wearing an old baggy shirt and eating cereal’.

I guess she won’t be bothering with Flash – Amplifying Eyelash Serum, anytime soon. I notice that I have not dared apply mine in a while.

ps. If you want to laugh again at my expense, I have plenty more in-the-pursuit-of-beauty FAILS where that came from (my bathroom). Stay tuned. Oh and thanks for reading. Ex ex ex.
pps. photo is not mine


  1. but what about the small animals eyeing up your woolrest peepers for a quick kip??

  2. Bloody love this post. Made me laugh out loud, you write like a dream and Moran is so right! I found Revita Lash really worked fo rme but I did get some side effects like red eyes and it was a bit random with which lashes actually lengthened, I've heard great things on rapid lash too! Thanks for this x

    1. Thank you SO much Vicki you gorgeous woman! Comments like this make me keep on blogging.


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