Search Words Are Not Private

Those readers who follow me (thank you for your kindness - good things will surely happen to you; winning Lotto Strike sometime soon or the school Easter Raffle) - will know that I like making up words. A new freedom allowed in this crazy anyone-can-be-famous-century (even for having a big butt and spelling ‘C’ words with ‘Ks’). 

Yep, anything seems to be kosher. You can name your child after a compass point or change your surname to a web address. And who would have thought things as shallow as a ‘selfie’ (a picture of yourself fully made up or otherwise posted on your social media of choice) would end up in the dictionary. Or that a ‘belfie’ is an actual thing? Well it is - it’s a picture of your butt, a bum/selfie. Jeez wayne. What is a selfie of you and your bestie then? A bestie-self? A self-bestie?

But it’s not always a joke. Spammers can really teach us a thing or two. Like words and stuff. 

 Just the other day a person called, Anonymous, left a comment... WOW just what I was searching for. Came here by searching for concamerated

I had to do some searching myself. Right away. A blogger has a duty to be informed. Constantly learning new words. Keeping up. 

Concamerated FYI - is an archaic word meaning arched or vaulted. Not that I was doing any arching or vaulting in the post it was attached to just plucking.

Next thing, I got a bit creeped out that some-internet-user typed in the words: ‘thick girl with red head on strip pole’ and landed on my blog. 

I’m inclined to call this person a sicko, but gave him/her the benefit of the doubt. He may have been referring to pole dancing. This is a legit form of exercise in my town for non-stripper-women. Mums and sporty types do it. For fitness. 

In case you are not aware: pole dancing poles spin around. Yes siree. All you really have to do is hang on TIGHT. Upside down. Oh and wear your best matching bra and undies set teamed with your best car-to-bar-stilettos. Yes, just like earth spins on its axis, those 9 metre stainless steel poles go round and round.

I discovered this fact, thanks to daughter 13, when I was exclaiming how much pain those contortionists must go through with all that bare skin twisting and pinching around metal. 

‘The poles spin around mum.’

I still didn’t believe her. I was channelling my school yard jungle gym days and all the crazy things we did during playtime; like swinging upside down while gripping a lead pole behind bent knees. It hurt. But the thrill of trying to stop our gym slips from turning into umbrellas and all that blood rushing to our heads must have compensated for our scorched flesh. No kid nowadays gets the thrill of a potential major headache anymore; the only thing for protection underneath our flowing pigtails was a big slab of HARD. I even did backward walkovers onto that concrete quad. Back then. In standard three (Year 5).

However, I digress. Naturally I had to google the above said smutty search words: ‘thick girl with red head on strip pole’ to see if my blog avatar came up. 

And NO I didn’t. I checked pages 1, 2 and 3 then stopped. It took .21 seconds to gather about 25,7000,700 results. Although, I did discover that weight is no barrier to pole fitness if the Daily Mail UK’s story on, LuAyne Barber the 252 pound pole dancer with bright red hair is anything to go by. Enough. Already. Lulu.

Another internet-er searched: ‘cute teen vego’ . But I didn’t need to go there.

This happy spam-commenter left this very personal story. 

 “Today, I went to the beachfront with my kids. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said "You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear." She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is entirely off topic but I had to tell someone!”

Thanks!

Like most of us out there in the blogsosphere we only want our stores read. (Actually sometimes I press publish then run down to the river flats and hide).

Of late, my blog receives approximately 100 page views per day. My stats meter reads 24,752 (@10/4/14) and counting. Who knows what the exact proportion of genuine to spammer views is?

However rigorous your spam filters may be some bots will always get through. But hey, they leave comments, whether a block of Whittaker’s yummiest Almond Gold King size is on offer or not!

(photo: Waimarama Beach, Hawkes Bay, Autumn 2014)

50 Ways With Spam

My tech support told me ALL spam comments are computer generated. I didn’t believe him. Surely there is a real human being behind those well thought out, heart-warming comments by that person named, Anonymous. The ones my blog receives daily in duplicate.

Yep siree, I can definitely picture a wannabe copywriter practising their English over a grubby keyboard SOMEWHERE in the world. Mumbai, Ulan Bator, Krakow, Vladivostok, Sevastopol? Either that or all those com-gen-spam-com-ers forgot to go through spellcheck before their journey into cyberspace. 

I decided to have a snoop around and get the heads-up.

Weirdly the first site I discovered was, ‘the Museum of Comment spam, finest examples, lovingly curated’. Blimey it had 220 more followers than I did/do. This site claimed the gems they discovered were computer-generated. 

Still, it didn’t explain the broken English.

I clicked on.

And there it was in black and white, ‘these days, there are comment factories that pay people a few cents to leave a comment with specific keywords linked back to a specific web page for the sole purpose of increasing incoming links to that page and therefore, increasing Google search rankings…’ (We’re talking about high profile websites here. Not exactly PC.)

Apparently, ‘you’ll find many of these “jobs”… at oDesk.com…They’re quick and easy, and people snatch them up despite the low payment.’ 

Being a snoop, I hopped on over to oDesk.com to look for a job. I like getting paid for writing. For anything creative really.

When I got there I wasn’t sure what job title I should look under: 

I chose: ‘Customer WOW specialist’ 

There were screeds of, ‘required attributes’. I soon realized I didn’t really want to be a: ‘Team player in a flat-structured, highly collaborative environment’. Nor make: ‘… oDesk.com a primary focus of …my… life’.  

Even if I did have some of the required skills: ‘Familiarity with social networking sites such as Twitter and Facebook’. As well as: ‘Top-notch written and verbal skills…’ and the … ‘English required’. 

I pretended I didn’t see: ‘multilingual a plus’ (well it didn’t say written-multilingual). Therein the problem lies; those spam coms have just been lost in translation? 

Even so if I’d really wanted to I would have been able to: ‘dive right in, be effective, and make a difference.’ 

But I didn’t. I didn’t want to make lovely spam-com for some SEO Search Engine Optimizer. Jeesh that’s as low as being a cold call telemarketer and I’ve been one of them before. I sold supplementary American Express cards, when I was twenty-something and broke from yet another adventurous foray into the big wide world. Back in a time when you took an aeroplane ride to see and experience new cultures, taking a virtual tour at the click of a mouse wasn’t an option. 

My spam-com, computer generated or not, is all nice. Some of it even makes me laugh like this guy: Kopi Luwak. Cute name, so I googled him and shit, guess what? Kopi Luwak is the name of the coffee excreted by the Civet cat. Top quality.

KP didn’t have much to say: Hi!! I like your blog. These social networks as facebook twitter and blogspot are very good for share feelings with other.

Here are a few more examples from that crazy cat Anonymouse:

Madame New age-y says:

You could сeгtainly sеe уоur enthusiasm within the artіcle you wгіte.
Thе ѕесtοr hopes forr more passiοnatе wrіters suh аs уou who аren't
afгаiԁ to mentіon how they believe. Always fоllοw your hеart.

This com-spammer’s family must be fed up. I know my family was wondering where dinner was when I was putting this together.

Mу family memberѕ all thе time sау thаt I аm wаstіng mу tіmе here аt ωeb,
еxceρt I know I аm gеtting fаmiliarity all thе time by гeading ѕuсh nіce articleѕ оггevieωs.

Oh, this one is getting above their station and offering ME their writerly services. I don’t think so buddy.

Ι abѕоlutely lοѵe уour blοg and finԁ most οf уour post's to bе just what I'm looκing for. Would yоu offer gueѕt writers to writе content for yοu? I wouldn't mind сreating a post or elaborаtіng on a lot of the subjects you write relаted to here. Agаin, awesome weblog!

Some like to infer that it’s YOU being the annoying one. Not.

Whhen I originally commemted I appear tο have clicκeԁ the -Nоtify mme when neω commentѕ arе аdded- chеckbox anԁ fro now on еveгy time а cοmment is added I get 4 emаils with the exact same commеnt.Is thrre а waay you are able tо remοve mee fromm thаt ѕеrvice? Chеeгs!

Some are just so damn encouraging:

This іs rеallу interestіng, You are а vewry skilled blogger.I have joined yoyr гѕs feed and look fοrward tto seeκing morе of youг magnificent post.Also, I havе shагed yοur website іn my sociаl networks

Crikey this one thinks I have a book in me:

Its like you reaԁ my mind! You seеm to knoω ѕο much about thіs, lіke yоu ωrotе the book in it or something. І think that you can do with a fеw рics tο dгive thе mesѕаgе hοme а bit, but οthеr thаn that, this iis magnificеnt blog. An excеllent read.
I wіll definitely be baсk.

Some have the audacity to ask if I receive that annoying spam-com stuff. Hello:

Howdy, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam comments? If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can advise? I get so much lately it's driving me insane so any assistance is very much appreciated.

I suspect, however, at the end of the day, like me, comment-spammers spend a lot of time procrastinating at their key-boards for fun and clicks, and little money.  

Note: Origin of above spam: accommodation/travel websites