Friday 24 November 2023

Napoleon Rode a Grey Stallion Called Marengo

 

Napoleon Crossing the Alps on Marengo


Napoleon Rode a Grey Stallion Called Marengo*

 

Grey horses are magical and also not, think thoroughbreds

how many times have you put money on Silver Shadow and not collected?

Pegasus was grey - he could flap his wings and fly as well as gallop

spying a grey horse in a field brings good luck

(so does a breeching whale looking you in the eye)

many a possessed storybook child has taken flight on a mystery grey horse

appearing in an apparition beyond the rose garden’s picket fence

sixth senses aligning follow me mount me

effortlessly under the willow tree

ride me bareback to heaven clutching my flowing mane

the first pony I called my own was a grey mare named Wendy

I was eight, she was 14.2 hands high, almost a horse

 

 

Napoleon’s grey Arab stallion, Marengo, was 14.2

apparently, he rode like a butcher

slouched with his toes lower than his heels

slipping around on the saddle so much he wore holes in his breeches

He rode for pleasure as well as necessity

I’ve seen Napoleon’s bed in Versailles

he was really short for a guy who ate so much chicken

there’s no mention of war horse Marengo on the Imperial stable records

a mystery in itself and many oil paintings

but I guess if a grey horse finds you in Egypt, ride it

ride it like a butcher to battle and back 

to Joséphine and Chicken Marengo

only three percent of horses are grey



Jane Bloomfield
Collection 2023

*I honest to Josephine had no idea Ridly Scott was about to drop his Napoleon epic 23/11/23, when I wrote this Napoleon poem a few weeks ago. Great minds, eh!! Jane x

Wednesday 8 November 2023

Megan Nicol Reed Reviews Gwyneth's Xmas Wishlist, Kim's Nipple Bra & The Royal Family

 

Megan Nicol Reed

Well-known columnist, Megan Nicol Reed hit the fiction bestseller list on the release of her debut novel, One of Those Mothers, in March this year. Described as ‘Domestic noir up there with the best of them … a page-turner in all the right was,’ by NY Times bestselling author Jacqueline Bublitz, the book went on to receive rave reviews. Readers will be pleased to know Megan, dubbed New Zealand’s Lianne Moriarty and ‘new queen of the twist’, is currently working on her next novel.

 

Ahead of our conversation at the Queenstown Writers Festival, 10am, Sunday 12th November, Megan answers some Quickfire Questions and Reviews - Gwyneth Paltrow’s Xmas Wishlist 2023, The Royal Family, The Barbie Movie etc.

 

Quickfire Questions:


English Breakfast or green tea

Literary award winner or sassy women’s fiction – can I have both?

Mads Mikkelsen or Tom Hardy – neither or maybe both, argh…

Jennifer Coolidge or Susan Sarandon – Can’t choose! Love the two of them equally!

French Champagne or orange green-skin wine

Truffled popcorn or Cheezels

Venison steak or mushroom risotto

Shop in-store or shop online – but, tragically, adore both 

Sex Education or The Beckhams or Love Island Australia

Kale matcha mushroom powder smoothie or Krispy Kreme Donut

Wellness Detox Retreat or family beach bach holidayalthough have often felt like I needed a retreat after a family holiday 

HRT or Wild Yam cream

Friends over for dinner or restaurant meet-upbut both have their attractions and their downfalls

Wall Pilates or walking the dog in the dog park – but both actually feature quite prominently in my life 

Range Rover or small hybrid

Pottery mug or fine china

Duvet or duvet with top-sheet

Perfectionist or dreamer

 

 

One-sentence (brilliantly hilarious) Review/comments:

 

The Royal family: My inner socialist loathes what they represent, while the pleb in me isn’t too bovvered. 

 

New mum, Gillian Anderson in Series Three, Sex Education: I’m yet to watch the third season but I do so love Gillian Anderson, in fact, I’ve always fancied I look a teensy bit like her!

 

Gwyneth’s Paltrow’s Xmas Wishlist 2023 (inc. 24 karat gold, 24K vibrator): It takes guts to be that tone-deaf. 

 

One tip for a happy marriage: You don’t need to share each other’s interests, but your values should be in synch, oh, and keep shagging. 

 

Kim Kardashian’s just released Skims Nipple Bra: I was reserving judgement but after Googling an image of it worn under a white t-shirt, I have to say that while I’ve channelled many different looks in my time, sex doll is not one of them. 

 

The worst thing about aging as a woman: Realising how many years you wasted hating on your perfectly lovely body.

 

Describe yourself as a real estate ad: Compact with a lot going on upstairs.

 

Helicopter parents: When it comes to my kids, I’m always looking for that sweet spot between over- and under-parenting, but in truth I can be guilty of being a smother mother.

 

Name suppression rules in New Zealand: At the risk of sounding like an advocate for the Sensible Sentencing Trust, I suspect name suppression is too freely granted in NZ.

 

Dogs: My love for our dog, now aged 10, is coloured by the trauma she caused me as the naughtiest puppy in the world.

 

GANNI Boots: I once bought a pair of very expensive Ganni gumboots online and after three crippling outings, I was forced to cut my losses and drop them off at the Recycle Boutique.

 

The Barbie Movie: My daughter had seen all the videos on TikTok, and pictured us holding hands and quietly sobbing during the real women montage, but much to her dismay I slept through it. 

 

Don't miss Megan in conversation with yours truly Sunday, 12 November, 10am, at Te Atamira, Remarkables Shopping Area. Jump here for tix to our bottomless brunch. Catch you there! Jane x

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