My grandad on my mum’s side, Buster, was a keen Hawkes Bay racegoer. I still have his racing binoculars in their handy leather case. A wedding present from my gran, which cost a cool sixty pounds way back a long time ago. Like Buster, I’ve often enjoyed a flutter on race day. Two bucks each way on a fine steed named Lady Jaynee or Sir (insert bf name) and I was as happy as a filly.
But on Monday, I went all out. Under the current feeling of doom pervading every New Zealander, I felt a glow of optimism. Something good was about to fall from the heavens. On me! I’d been sniffing around on Twitter. I had the hot tip. A kiwi horse from Rotorua. Owned and trained by a smooth looking dude with a moustache and a beige hat. The father of great crime writer JP Pomare. The horse was my favourite horse colour – chesnut. It even had a cool name - Ocean Billy.
I told The H and Lily. Hey, I’ve got a hot tip on the Melbourne Cup. Before I couldn’t even name drop OB I was told he’d been on the nooz the night before. Everyone already knew. Lily said, get in quick. She should know the system. She dated a bookie in Sydney who handsomely substituted his student allowance working the big meets.
I didn’t even have to walk over the sticky carpet at the Pig & Whistle, I could bet online! All I needed was a TAB account. 500 hours later this Boomer managed to make one. It didn’t take much, my mother’s maiden name, ID facial verification, microchip in my forehead, my right forearm, 5000 passwords, 50 pin numbers, and I was in. Only I’d locked myself out and had to reset. And re-enter my credit card details 50,000 times. You have to be in credit to bet, you see. When I finally selected my bet amount and hit pay, another warning triangle flashed at me. Good god almighty, I was a loser before I’d even lost. The winning stake on Ocean Billy had already dropped from $51 for a win, to $41. I gambled anyway.
Tuesday 2nd November 2021, as fellow Melbourne Cuppettes sloshed on their fake tan, Showpo Dresses, Kmart hats and started preparing to get totally shit-faced at a Covid free venue by commencing pre-drinking, I received an email from my new best friend the TAB. Informing me of ‘The Shark’s Top Four’. There set out under four, easy to follow punter headlines. BEST. NEXT. VALUE. ROUGHIE. Horses and jockeys were listed and their stakes. I should note at this point I was HIGHLY alarmed not to see mention of my sure-bet-baby Ocean Billy. However, VALUE (with a Silverfern) caught my eye Verry Ellegant paying a decent $17. Well, I scratched my fascinator and logged into my account. Thanks to the handy feature on Chrome – save password. I hovered. I dithered. I thought no, I’m addicted to a lot of things but I’d already spent more than I ever had on a horse in the hope I’d reap the returns which would be more than what I’ve earned from my writing this year. $4,400 to put you in the picture. It was tough, but I drew the line I would not put $10 bucks each way on the sexy Kiwi mare very, Verry Elleegant. More fool me.
At 5pm I turned on TVOne. We all watched the race. I’d chilled champagne to celebrate my winnings. What a dick. My horse lost. No, I wasn’t the punter who put a heady $27,000 on the nose of Ocean Billy. While the totalizer quivered at the thought of paying out close to one million buckeroos. Nevertheless, I felt a huge disappointment and a certain shame as I turned off the telly and took the dog for a walk by the river.
Moreover, I didn’t even realise until the next day that sweet, three-white socked Ocean Billy game 23rd. Dead last! If I’d pressed ‘place bet’ on the clear winner Verry Elleegant I would have covered my foolish gamble and taken home a hundy.
Kiwi jockey, James McDonald rode an extremely elegant race. He pulled the dark bay mare out from the pack at the 500m mark and bolted down the field to win by a whopping three and a half lengths. The pairs’ first Melbourne Cup win. Woohoo
But that’s gambling for you. I guess I’ll have a flutter nek year. Unless I lose my password.
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