I first met Emily Writes in the bar of the Spiegeltent at the Hawkes Bay Writers Festival last month. I bought her a rosé. And tried to keep my cool. I drank a 0.05% Heineken.
For many, Emily needs no introduction. Her first blog post I am grateful now fuck off went viral back in March 2015. It reached more than a million people in just a few days and her writing career literally went ballistic overnight. Emily has since published two books, bestselling Rants in the Dark (2017), which has been reprinted three times and is also a play. And Is It Bedtime Yet (2018) an anthology of stories from herself and other kiwi mums. She works as parenting-editor for The Spinoff and she shills sex toys for Adulttoymegastore.
For many, Emily needs no introduction. Her first blog post I am grateful now fuck off went viral back in March 2015. It reached more than a million people in just a few days and her writing career literally went ballistic overnight. Emily has since published two books, bestselling Rants in the Dark (2017), which has been reprinted three times and is also a play. And Is It Bedtime Yet (2018) an anthology of stories from herself and other kiwi mums. She works as parenting-editor for The Spinoff and she shills sex toys for Adulttoymegastore.
Another equally popular post and the one that introduced me to Emily’s fab work was: I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines. This, no holes barred piece featuring Alexander Skarsgard’s ‘magnificent holy abs’ showcased Emily’s sharp, witty, irreverent and quite horny writing to the world. I read this and had to immediately (and just quietly) google ‘the ‘V’ for a quick male anatomy tutorial. Next, I promptly bought movie tickets.
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| Alexander Skarsgard. The tallest Tarzan eva. He's 6 ft 4 |
Prior to our conversation at the Queenstown Writers Festival, I asked Emily to complete a short, one-sentence review on some items which appear in Rants in the Dark. Cross your legs, ladies and do not have a mouthful of coffee! Begin.
Amber beads:
You need this very cute choking
hazard with no scientific basis for any of the claims behind it – a steal for
only $49.99!
Paleo:
Do you want giant poops? Here’s your
chance.
Swaddling
If you’re asking me if I googled
“Swaddles for adults” I did!
Sleep regressions:
A wonderful made-up thing that sells
many books about how to get your child to sleep.
Idris Elba:
God’s gift to tired mothers.
(Idris is so hot rn no zine on the internet will let me download an image of him. Acting or dj'ing!? ps. If I win Powerball, I'm taking Emily Writes to Miami to see ID in action. Dj'ing, homies! We may need valium. Or a defrib on standby.)
Quinoa:
I thought you pronounced it Quin Oh
Ah and nobody corrected me!
Luncheon Sausage:
The only thing my child will eat.
Thomas the Tank Engine:
An imperialist anti-union narc
responsible for the genocide of countless carriages and trains.
Natural parenting:
I am the most natural of all the
natural parents. I don’t even use sheets I just blow on my child all night.
Midwives:
Angels. Pay them more.
Maisy:
What language does the mouse speak?
Because let’s be real it’s sex noises.
 |
| I read Maisy a bazillion times to my kids but never noticed she was a mouse until Emily pointed this out. |
Even shorter, short questions. Emily has
highlighted her answers and clearly stated her preferences:
Rosé Rosé all day! /
Chardonnay
Chocolate
/
Camembert
I could sooner choose a favourite child.
Idris
Elba / Alexander Skarsgard I cannot pick between my 2 husbands.
Postman Pat
/
The Wiggles Kill them
both.
Soft play / Toddler yoga
Cheezels / Parsnip crisps
Sling / Front pack
Thor Ragnarok / Tarzan
Breathing exercises / Epidural Whatever you need to get you through!
ACDC / Beyoncé
I’m a bogan with a Beyoncé
tattoo, what can I say? We are multitudes!
Tattoo / Piercing
Frozen / The Lego Movie
Netflix / Book/Kindle
PAW Patrol / My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic I hate them equally
The Rock / Alice Cooper Seen him live four times!
Bourbon & Coke / Mojito
Emily has a huge heart, as well
as her laugh-out-loud writing, she is
the mum of two small boys, is a tireless advocate for children’s and women’s
rights, and does volunteer work for many child-centred community groups.
Thanks so much, Emily!
***Catch Emily at the Queenstown Writers Festival Saturday 9th November 2019 @ 4pm. Wine will be available.
