Emily Writes Reviews: Amber Beads, Idris Elba, Epidurals etc

I first met Emily Writes in the bar of the Spiegeltent at the Hawkes Bay Writers Festival last month. I bought her a rosé. And tried to keep my cool. I drank a 0.05% Heineken.

For many, Emily needs no introduction. Her first blog post I am grateful now fuck off went viral back in March 2015. It reached more than a million people in just a few days and her writing career literally went ballistic overnight. Emily has since published two books, bestselling Rants in the Dark (2017), which has been reprinted three times and is also a play. And Is It Bedtime Yet (2018) an anthology of stories from herself and other kiwi mums. She works as parenting-editor for The Spinoff and she shills sex toys for Adulttoymegastore.

Another equally popular post and the one that introduced me to Emily’s fab work was: I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines. This, no holes barred piece featuring Alexander Skarsgard’s ‘magnificent holy abs’ showcased Emily’s sharp, witty, irreverent and quite horny writing to the world. I read this and had to immediately (and just quietly) google ‘the ‘V’ for a quick male anatomy tutorial. Next, I promptly bought movie tickets.

Alexander Skarsgard. The tallest Tarzan eva. He's 6 ft 4

Prior to our conversation at the Queenstown Writers Festival, I asked Emily to complete a short, one-sentence review on some items which appear in Rants in the Dark. Cross your legs, ladies and do not have a mouthful of coffee! Begin.

Amber beads:

You need this very cute choking hazard with no scientific basis for any of the claims behind it – a steal for only $49.99!

Paleo:

Do you want giant poops? Here’s your chance.

Swaddling

If you’re asking me if I googled “Swaddles for adults” I did!

Sleep regressions:

A wonderful made-up thing that sells many books about how to get your child to sleep.

Idris Elba:

God’s gift to tired mothers.

(Idris is so hot rn no zine on the internet will let me download an image of him. Acting or dj'ing!? ps. If I win Powerball, I'm taking Emily Writes to Miami to see ID in action. Dj'ing, homies! We may need valium. Or a defrib on standby.)

Quinoa:

I thought you pronounced it Quin Oh Ah and nobody corrected me!

Luncheon Sausage:

The only thing my child will eat.

Thomas the Tank Engine:

An imperialist anti-union narc responsible for the genocide of countless carriages and trains.

Natural parenting:

I am the most natural of all the natural parents. I don’t even use sheets I just blow on my child all night.

Midwives:

Angels. Pay them more.

Maisy:

What language does the mouse speak? Because let’s be real it’s sex noises.

I read Maisy a bazillion times to my kids but never noticed she was a mouse until Emily pointed this out.

Even shorter, short questions. Emily has highlighted her answers and clearly stated her preferences:

Rosé      Rosé all day!  /   Chardonnay

Chocolate                     /   Camembert    I could sooner choose a favourite child.

Idris Elba         /    Alexander Skarsgard  I cannot pick between my 2 husbands.

Postman Pat                  /          The Wiggles               Kill them both.

Soft play                       /           Toddler yoga 

Cheezels                      /           Parsnip crisps

Sling                            /           Front pack

Thor Ragnarok            /           Tarzan

Breathing exercises     /        Epidural           Whatever you need to get you through!

ACDC                       /           Beyoncé           

I’m a bogan with a Beyoncé tattoo, what can I say? We are multitudes!

Tattoo                         /           Piercing

Frozen                        /           The Lego Movie

Netflix                        /           Book/Kindle

PAW Patrol            /      My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic     I hate them equally

The Rock                    /           Alice Cooper                  Seen him live four times!

Bourbon & Coke        /           Mojito

Emily has a huge heart, as well as her laugh-out-loud writing, she is the mum of two small boys, is a tireless advocate for children’s and women’s rights, and does volunteer work for many child-centred community groups.

Thanks so much, Emily!

***Catch Emily at the Queenstown Writers Festival Saturday 9^th November 2019 @ 4pm. Wine will be available.