My Mum Was a Slave To Elizabeth Arden

Not my mum. Farrah Fawcett

My mum was a slave to Elizabeth Arden. I grew up on the smell of Eight Hour Cream and its multitude of cosmetic services and cure-alls. During my corporate life, I spent a fortune on their hard-sell, age-freezing promises. I slathered their expensive unguents, most often on not really perfectly clean, nor seldom exfoliated skin, to no avail. Over my thirties, I grew crows feet and laugh lines and tram tracks (two vertical lines between my eyes) and brown spots just as the New Zealand sun and my genetic make-up planned. Then I gave up on EA and their marketing hype. And moved on.

However, an approaching middle-middle, middlest of middle-age birthdays 55 (and a gift voucher) drew me in the Elizabeth Arden counter at H & J’s department store, on a cool yet sunny Wednesday morning this week. Ten minutes later out I marched with EA’s ‘Ceramide Premiere Intense Moisture and Renewal Overnight Regeneration Cream’. All 50 mls of it, for the price of a one way Jet Star seat-only ticket from Queenstown to Sydney. Along with a pottle of EA Ceramide capsules that I chivvied out of the keen-but-I-don’t-work-on-this-counter-Jo-will-be-in-soon sales assistant. All the while, my entire neck and the backs of my hands glistened with the Prevage serum I'd greedily purged from the testers. As you do.

I couldn’t wait for night to fall. When I would cleanse, exfoliate, tone and massage, in upward motions, my new wonder pharmaceutical in cream form onto my face and neck. Women-friends please be reminded here to anoint the back of your neck as you do the front! I’ve omitted this small action my whole life. Up until I sat in talk after talk at a recent writer’s conference and studied the backs of female necks realising, bother it, so had everyone else.

That night I slept as I usually do. Waking at intervals. Not because of night sweats. Because. No. I don’t get them any more thanks to HRT. (That’s another story.) I wake because of partner disturbance eg. SNORING. Or my own mind mulling something over and over and not shutting itself up. In the morning, I caressed my checks in the dim dawn light. They felt smooth. Hydrated. As promised. But was I regenerated?

Later that morning, I caught my reflection in my Mac desktop on the black Spotify screen. I was listening to This is Billie Eilish. God, I love her. Anyways. Fuck me. I had regenerated. Oh yes I had revivified alright. I had spawned overnight some added extras. Hells Bells. It appeared I had gained creases. Two extra lines, aka wrinkles ran beside my deep nasio labial folds, like double pleats on the wool skirt I made in Manual back in 1979. Waaaaaaaaaa. I screamed. They heard me in Invercargill. And baaaaaed back. I'm not making this up.

But. No. Really. What’s. One. To. Do. Aside from eat Bluff oysters, tis the season, and hold one’s chin back with thumb and forefinger in thoughtful writer's pose for the rest of one’s life. While telling EA very firmly, this test-group-of-one is through.

All this nonsense and foolish splashing of gifted-cash on impossible hopes. Along with ageing disgracefully. Drink up. And attending a Barre Warrior class thinking I’d actually be able to walk the next day. Lead me to want to pen one of those Jane’s Must Have Cosmetics Hacks. So I did. Some of these potions were advised to moi in the first place. They, therefore, have cred.

1. For the most fun in a tube. And recommended by Lorde’s mum, poet Sonja Yelich @sonjayelich1, as the best in the business this:

Sexy Mother Pucker. Cautions: this lipgloss will almost immediately plump, buzz, tingle and zing.

And it does. Soap & Glory’s bestselling extreme plumping lipgloss is available from Kmart. I bought mine in the US about five years ago and it’s still buzzing and plumping. I’m not sure if you can get it in NZ. But it’s worth a try. 

2.benefit BAD gal Bang! Mascara Recommended by gorgeous daughters, Lily 20 and Eloise 18.

BBG Bang! promises: Bigger, Badder volumizing. And the bestest thing about this mascara is that it does both the above without ugly clumps. And I’ve been on the lookout for decades. (Around $NZD26.00)

3.LiLash Purified Eyelash Serum. Recommended by the lovely ladies at Spring Spa, Queenstown.

I’ve been doing a bit of lash farming lately. I’ve done this before with disastrous results. But this time I used LiLash . And well look, mate, I’m just your average doe-eyed matron without the red bits. Batter-mine! Babes. (Around $NZD100 but I use a single stroke above the top lashline every 2nd night. At this rate, one tube will last me a year.) 

4. Sukin’s Body Contouring Crème Recommended by yours truly.

Finally, a body lotion that does the trick and more for around $17. I live in zero humidity and this rich cream is good for all over ze body. It absorbs like a dream. I doubt it will cure my bat wings, but hydration is key in these parts as winter approaches. Slap this on and those elbows and knees will squeal.

And for the record once I finish my pot of gold Ceramide Premiere, I’ll be going back to my old fave Antipodes, Avocado Pear Nourishing Night Cream. It smells divine, hydrates a treat and won’t break the piggy bank. (Around $NZD55, but if you wait for the 'Buy 2 products, get the 3rd free' and have a Living Rewards card. Winning!)

Happy International Women's Day y'all!
Jane xx