Tuesday, 1 October 2013

#hashtag hipsters: a guest post



This week my bloggery offering is a guest post: 

‘How to be a Hipster’

by Lily Bloomfield, aged 15

(Psst, Lily won her Year 10 Speech Competition with this speech, it will have you roflol. Mega thanks Lily. pics via tumblr)


They’re everywhere, like a virus, a feared infection that just won’t go away. Every corner you turn there they are, their LA Lakers snapbacks placed precariously upon their heads; with a pack like mentality one will always be hot on the heels of another. The dreaded…. Hipsters.

With your Instagram news feed filled with filtered photos of Starbucks coffee cups and heavily hashtagged captions and your Tumblr dashboard overflowing with hand triangles, pouting girls and endless jars of Nutella. Have you ever felt the urge to be one of them? To live their idolized lifestyle? Well today with this super simple how to guide, in 3 easy steps I will have informed you on how to fulfill your Hipster wants and needs.

The first step is to makeover your appearance. Hipsters are confined to a strict set of clothing but when you acquire the basic garments your good to go. The typical go-to hipster outfit starts of with makeup. The classic phrase “I think you got a bit of face on your make up”, is one uttered fairly often when hipsters are around. But because you are embracing a hipster lifestyle now, you simply let it rise above you.

Next up your sick snapback, preferably promoting a sports team like the Bulls, The Hornets, or the Lakers. Now your high ponytail. Height is key in this situation because too low and you’re borderline normal, yikes, definitely not a good thing.  The next is a crop top; either neutral tones or covered in completely outlandish prints and colours.

This fashion item is perfect for showing off your toned, tanned stomach and your long dangly bellybutton piercing. Dreamcatcher belly button piercings are highly rated in the hipster world so these would not go amiss.

Now for the bottom half. You have varying choices in this area so it’s really up to your personal preference, just never stray to far from the hipster sidewalk. Denim, high waisted short shorts are ideal for this situation.  And if its -30 degrees, outside even better! Skinny jeans are your second option, make sure they are tight, hugging your every bump and curve.

Galaxy print is highly recommended and the US flag will never fail you. Triple hipster points if you’re not actually from the US! Inability to sit down whilst wearing skinny jeans and loss of circulation is totally normal and should not be of any concern.  Vans footwear is your go-to shoe right now. They will never fail you no matter the circumstances.

Second step for being a hipster is how you handle yourself on social networking sites. Stumble across any blog on Tumblr filled with: images of jars of Nutella, tanned girls in bikinis frolicking in the snow, various hand gestures such as (LA sign, peace sign and triangle sign), deep emotional quotes on totally random and irrelevant images and multi coloured vans, and you have found the hipster blog. No shortage of these blogs around, you should be able to pick this blog style up in no time.

On to Facebook, statuses at any given time or place are highly commended, for example “OMG just saw like the biggest spider ever #freakingout” is perfect. Make sure to inform all of your Facebook friends of what you are doing all the time, don’t spare any nitty gritty details either! Updates at 15 to 30 minute intervals are the key. When updating ones profile picture, alas another highly edited selfie, make sure to insert a completely long and irrelevant quote into the caption box. Instagram is probably the most difficult social networking site to master. The wrong angle or filter on a photo can cause severe impact, with an unavoidable loss of followers.

Finally, here are some other handy tips to shoot you into the hipster stratosphere. Where appropriate always use glitter. Take selfies anywhere and everywhere, popular faces include (duck face, the cheesy smile, and the tongue out to the side face).

Have emotional insight on every subject, try to be the Dalai Lama of this day and age, eat Nutella for breakfast, lunch, dinner, supper, afternoon tea morning tea and pretty much every meal in between. Always be showing a small portion of skin in these (gesture areas), practice your pout anywhere and anytime, aim to be as duck like as physically possible, do not fight the urge to #hashtag everything within your power, nothing should be left untagged.

Be highly ignorant to the outside temperature, anyone who argues with you saying its outrageous to wear small amounts of clothing when it’s snowing outside is either your mother or someone who is not worth your time. When it comes to clothing if you can’t match, then clash outrageously.

Always randomly inject words like swag, playa, skuxx, dox, shot, bro and cuz into everyday conversation. Anyone who doesn’t know the definition of these words is evidently not worth your time. Yolo is your life long motto, (and for those of you not down with the hipster lingo it means you only live once).

And there you have it, after updating your appearance, your approach to social media sites, and with the guidance of my helpful tips and tricks, I am positive that you’ll be the ultimate hipster in absolutely no time at all.

Peace out guys. Yolo swag forever.


2 comments:

  1. Yvette Carol says:

    Right, that's that cleared up! And there I was lost and wondering how on earth I become a hipster :-) Well done, Lily!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it! I have a 13 year old Lily and I think she's a Hipster in training...well, she certainly enjoys a jar or two of Nutella a day! Good one Lily! x

    ReplyDelete

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